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What Am I Doing?
by Laura
Citation:   Laura. "What Am I Doing?: An Experience with Ecstasy (exp12055)". Jan 23, 2002.

  tablets oral MDMA


I remember watching the Sopranos a while ago, where Tony is talking to his mother, about how his pychiatrist says she has a 'Narcasistic Personality', meaning that she's incapable of experiencing true joy. This struck a chord in me- i didn't think I'd ever experienced true joy. Before I took exctacy.

In the book the Bell Jar there's a paragraph where she's remembering how the last time that she felt truly happy was when she was nine years old. Now this may sound exagerated, but until six weeks ago I had never known that feeling. Ever.

I'm 17 yrs old. I live in suburban London. My mother is a school teacher, and my father is a philosophy professor @ a University. I live in a nice house in a nice area. I'm pretty. I find it easy to make freinds. I find it hard to keep relationships though, and my entire life I've suffered from depression and mild a.d.d. I also have trouble facing unpleasant facts, and all my life have had an uncomfortable relationship with food, using it to block problems out.

I acted out @ an early age, expermenting with alchohol and weed, poppers etk. The first time I got drunk, I got d.r.u.n.k. I was thirteen. What I liked about it was how it took me out of myself, and made me into a different, happy, person. I'd love the way I'd find myself in the middle of a sentence, completely unaware of my problems, just enjoying the moment, the people. Looking back though, I lost a lot of my freinds over that six month peroid, because my behaviour was scaring them. I remember the September I was 13, I went to a freinds birthday party, and spent the whole night ignoring her, getting drunk on half a bottle of southern comfort with her older brother.

I was sick in the garden, and when reality came back, i felt worse than ever. She, and the others girls there, who I'd known for years, never looked @ me the same. After that night alcohol stopped working to make me a different person, as I stopped forgetting my problems. This meant that I stopped trying to drink as much as I possibly could, and I rarely drink now. I've been drunk maybe 15 times in my life. I've never been offered coke or speed, and I've never bothered to find them. I like weed, and how it makes me feel, but I can take it or leave it. I never fell in love with it. Infact, drugs and alcohol have never been a big deal before, or had a more then little effect on my life.

I took my first two pills on the last friday of November 2001, on Camden Lock. It was the best night of my life. We didn't even go to a club. I spent most of the best night of my life with my head on my knees and my coat wrapped around me outside an off-licence in Camden Town.

Now I've thought about this a lot, and I still can't figure it out. Most people when they give their freind their first pill, give them half a tab, or a tab. But the guy I was with, Fran gave me TWO. I was flying.

I had what was I think the worst night of my life a week later. The night I did the pills I ended up pulling Fran. We'd kissed the night before, when we were drinking in a group, and we'd agreed it didn't really work. Also he was attracted to a good freind of mine. Now I have no idea why he did this, but while we were pilling he told me he'd been attracted to me for a long time, and he really liked me, and wanted to go out with me. Now I wasn't even attracted to him, but... the pills. We ended up making up names for our kids and, well, you know what I'm talking about. We didn't sleep together because I didn't want to.

A week later, after being avoided by him, missing most of my lessons, faking a suicide attempt, binge eating, and crying a lot I finally worked out it was a come down. I didn't get another opportunity to take e again for another month - but looking back on it, it never crossed my mind that I wouldn't take it again. Life was good, Christmas was good, or rather it should have been, but it was all so drab and emotionless, and i knew @ the back of my mind life wasn't coming close to that night. I remember sitting in a beautiful candle lit church the night before christmas eve, looking @ the lights, and thinking that i would trade anything in the world for a hit of e.

I did my second set of pills on the 28th of Dec @ a club in Camden. I did two within an hour of each other. Fran showed up, and I ignored him- until the pills kicked in. Then it was all 'why were you ignoring me, can we be freinds please?', I also ended up pulling another guy called Luke, who I knew really liked me, but who I'd never even fancied before, but, fuck, we were coming up together, it was great. Looking back on it, the situation with Fran was bringing me down, and I kept talking about it to Luke on the way back, no doubt annoying him. For some reason I annoyed Vanessa- the girl whose 18th b-day it was, and Abby- Lukes (recent) ex girlfreind- I didn't even think about this @ the time though.

New Years eve was crap. Because we couldn't get pills. If we had, I'm sure it would have been the best New Years Eve of my life. Oh, and it turned out that Fran, who went with us to try and buy more pills, had 5 on him the whole time. Never trust a drug addict, right?

I did pills again the first Friday back @ school. With Luke and Fran. The situation brought me down again, although I didn't realise it at the time. I did realise something else though - you know when you're falling in love with someone. How your freinds notice that you're talking about them all the time. How you get that funny anticipation feeling in your stomach when you see them. How you love everything about them. You like the way they taste, and smell, and you could talk about them all day, without getting bored. How when you're with them you think 'I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but here, with any one else but you', and when you're not with them you want to save the memory, and any momento's from that night... well i'd already fallen in love with ecstacy. and nothing, nothing could compare.

Just the bitter taste, the feeling of your stomach contracting, and the first delicious wave when you're COMING UP!, yeh, i'm so totally in love, and i only did my first pill 6/7 weeks ago. Oh, I threw up about 6 times that night, infront of most of my 'freinds', and a couple ex boyfreinds. I had my first experience of being told 'After seeing you I'm never doing a pill', which, when you're on e , is exactly the opposite of what you want to hear. Also, Luke 'lost' two pills, and Fran accepted two of my pills, invited us to his house, tryed to kiss me infront of Luke, and acted like a bitch the rest of the night. I may have been being quite annoying though.

I had my fourth (and so far last) experience of pills about a week ago. I did four and one half in one night. Fran snorted one, sweated scarily, and (i think) seriously suggested taking me to a squat party and paying someone to kill me. (did I mention I'd half seriously tried to slit my left wrist a few days before, and had some nasty razor scabs). Also he told me I was a spoilt brat , thought to much of myself, and he hated me... I think I may have said I hated him for giving me my first pill, and that I'd never forgive him... I can't think why though, because now I'm craving a hit pills are the most beautiful thing in the world.

I was up all night. No, i mean i was UP, all night. Fran, Luke, and another 'freind' were up with me for like 1 hour, maybe Jo was up for 2 1/2 max, but then they all came down, and things started getting weird. I was tripping out and hearing my name everywhere. I was taking my shirt of and quoting the line from trainspotting, you know where the girl is taking a hit of heroin and she's like 'beat's any fucking cock in the world'. I was...well, I was practically an ecstacy virgin who'd just done four and a half pills. (I read that the actual trip, where you're going moment to moment, forgetting all your problems like they just fell off you, and getting the spine thing last 1-3 hours... but with me it's different, because the initial come down , for the rest of the night, where you're feeling MELLOW and GOOD, to me the fact that you can sit and chill and just feel GOOD is worth celebrating it's so rare.)

Since that night all my freinds have been acting like I'm and axe murderer or something. I'm just about to be kicked out of my maths course, and seeing as I want to do computer science at uni this is a disaster. My whole future hangs on passing my re sit mid term, and instead of studying I'm shouting at my family, stuffing myself with crappy food, and looking @ websites about ecstacy. I kind of left home a couple nights ago, and I'm scaring my parents.

At the moment I feel like every ecstacy, or hard drug story is like a love story, and mad crazy love only lasts for two years. Then it stops being fun, and the pain and crazziness outways the rest of it, and there's only bland emptiness ahead. In every group that's based around drugs there's always one casualty, someone who od's or shit. and everyone's like, 'bad luck'... but they were probably the lucky one, cause they died when it was still fun, and they spared themselves the misery of years and years of grey.

So I'm thinking I'm going to carry on trying to make the best of things, and keep experimenting with e until... I think I always knew it, but I don't think I'm going to live past twenty one. But maybe this is just come down talk.

Am I going to do four or five in one night again? yes. i know i will. i can't work out what the worst thing about ecstacy is, if it's that you've been given a glimpse of this magic place, and next to it everything else just seems crap, or if it's the way you start to doubt yourself, your perceptions, your abilities.... you know what the stupid thing is? I'm still glad, so so glad, that i took that first pill. mmm, yum.

Exp Year: 2001ExpID: 12055
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Jan 23, 2002Views: 20,496
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MDMA (3) : Various (28), Post Trip Problems (8), Depression (15), Glowing Experiences (4), Addiction & Habituation (10), Retrospective / Summary (11)

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