Citation: Cassandra. "The Chase and Depression: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp13429)". Erowid.org. Jun 16, 2006. erowid.org/exp/13429
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It's been about six months now since the last time I used ecstasy. I tried it for the first time in winter of 2000. At first I loved the feeling; it felt like the most wonderful thing that I'd ever experienced, it brought me incredibly close to my boyfriend as well as to myself. The first time, unfortunately, was the best, and I spent the next year and a half chasing the pot of gold that I thought was at the end of the ecstasy-rainbow.
Every weekend after that first one, I spent eating as many pills as I could get my hands on, sometimes getting extremely ill (feeling extremely hot, dehydrated, nauseous, shaky, trouble urinating). My boyfriend and I began splitting 10-pacs (5 pills each) and trying as hard as we could to feel good again. Most of our sessions were spent wishing we hadn't eaten so many pills and disappointed by their less than expected results.
The 'crash' as it is called is somehow much worse for me than most people, however. I long for more pills, going as far as to spend my last dime to get more, or promising friendsí money from my next paycheck for more. I was pathetic. The week afterward was comparable to that of pms. I was moody, crying all the time over nothing. Feeling helpless, useless, and weak.
After I slowed down my usage and eventually stopped, it still gives me shudders to even think about the feelings that I was experiencing. I have only recently began to listen to my techno cd's again as the listening of them used to make me physically ill as I was reminded of the countless nights wasted on the drug. I don't deny having some great times during the use, but it definitely was not worth the after effects. I still suffer mildly from depression which I blame solely on the drug and my inability to control it.
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