DOSE: T+ 0:59	300 mg	oral	MDMA	(capsule)
T+ 4:00	75 mg	oral	MDMA	(capsule)

BODY WEIGHT:

230 lb

We set the mood. Valentines Day weekend with some of our best friends, camping outdoors for a couple days and then home to the basement to roll. This would be my first experience with MDMA. We had pure stuff, fine white powder encapsulated in transparent gel.

When I was younger, I had experimented with mixing double doses of certain antidepressants and antianxiety drugs like Paxil and Prozac with low-core amphetamines like dexadrine and aderall. The effect was a mild rush combined with warm erotic itchiness. I was expecting this experience to be similar, just more potent. Boy was I ever off.

For a few months prior, I had been in a bit of a mental funk. Things were going well externally, no problems at home or with my job. We had recently closed on a new house and were very happy. However, I felt stifled, sort of stretched out. Almost a restless feeling similar to nicotine withdrawal, except constant. Laughter was difficult (except when libated with cannabis), and I seemed to be forgetting more and more every day that I had the potential to be content. The camping trip was what I needed, some time outdoors to regroup. It was to be a very cold weekend, so my initiated friends felt it best not to roll outdoors, but to wait until we got back home. They could not have been more correct.

After getting home and getting cleaned up, we started the gas heater in my basement and turned on some music. Then my friend W took out the favors. There were 21 capsules, split between the six of us. I stared at mine for a little while, not knowing exactly what to think.

Immediately I began to feel some hesitation. I'm a relatively anxious person to begin with, and I also have a daughter (under the care of my mother for the weekend). I wasn't sure if I had room in my life for a new drug. J, who can talk me into anything for which I am most thankful, showed me online information and layed out the initial effects. I'm the type of person who loves experience but hates surprises, so this allayed some of my concerns. After a little jostling, I took the pill, and waited.

Two of my friends hit first, about 30 minutes after ingesting, and immediately vomited. Initially, this concerned me, until I realized that W was having difficulty aiming his vomit because it was continually interrupted by short bursts of laughter and praise of the guy who sold the stuff to him. He seemed to be having a great time, fully embracing his nausea.

I was warned that I might start feeling a lightness in my stomach that might evolve into nausea, but this never happened. I did feel a rising lightness, I simply felt like I was less affected by gravity than I had been in the past, both physically and emotionally. Immediately I knew that I had nothing to fear, and waves of relief began to flow over me. This relief very quickly escalated into an overall unadulterated joy, a complete sense of emotional balance, and I hadn't even come close to peaking yet.


The first observation I made was that I could hear the Led Zeppelin playing in the background as if I was at a live show. Every note, every chord, every beat seemed not to be coming from my stereo, but just seemed to be hanging in the air, as if it had always been there but I had simply passed it by before now. I was beaming, a wide, warm, goofy grin. My fiance H looked at my eyes and let the rest of the room know that I was really feeling the effects.

Suddenly, it was as if I could never run out of things to say. Thoughts and ideas that had buried themselves were coming to mind left and right, my mind was racing with a kind of creative energy I hadn't felt since childhood. I knew that I was capable and had the potential to do anything that I felt passionate about, simply because of the passion, and I wanted everyone else to know what was going on in my mind. To my delight, everyone was wholly receptive of my ideas, and I took great joy in listening to their rebuttals, suggestions, and criticisms (something I could never deal well with in the past).

More than anything though, there was an underlying feeling that for once I was not alone in my vessel, I realized that my body, although important, was just a transciever for my soul, and that my soul was infinite and eternal and everywhere, I could see myself making connections with objects that may have had no value in the past. I suddenly wondered what my carpet felt like being a carpet, what my walls felt like being walls, if they were happy in their station, and if not, what would they seek to improve.

And then, the clincher. I looked at my current state and sense of self, the anger, the frustrations, the anxieties, and I realized that I didn't need them, that I could cast them off, that always having my opinion heard was not necessary, that everyone didn't always have to agree with what I said. It took looking backwards at myself in a complete state of enhancement, beauty, love, and peace to realize how badly I wanted to feel that way all the time, and how capable I was of doing so. So I vowed that I would cast these demons away, and to this day they have still not come back.

After about 4 hours of wonderful conversation, cohesion, and camraderie, I began to feel this awareness shrinking. I didn't want to let go of this feeling, but I knew that I would be bringing these newfound insights with me. Instead of letting myself go at that point, I decided to take another pill. The first dose had been 150 mg, so I split another pill with H, broke it open, and put the powder on the back of my tongue and slowly let it down.

It tasted acrid, but hell I didn't care. I had realized that I could mold my environment to suit my mood, vs changing my mood to suit my environment.

This is when I really began to transcend. The faces of my friends seemed warped, not just the facial disfiguration from the jaw clenching and pupil dilation, but they seemed to become higher beings. I felt as if I was sitting in the court of some upper echelon of Yoda's 'luminous beings', not really angels, but more like heavenly nobles. W had a look about him of pride, the metaphor I used at the time was that of a farmer observing his land from a mountaintop. The closest I can come to defining this part of the trip is discovering your spiritual avatar, what you might appear as on the astral plane. Not a power animal or a spirit guardian, but a personal, spiritual manifestation of self.

It was in this state that I began to make some of my most profound associations.

First, I realized that there is no such thing as individual consciousness. We are given the illusion of our own consciousness, because physically we can only percieve the world around us through our own eyes. However, all energies flow from a common fountain, and this stream makes its way through millions of beings, so its constantly shared and redistributed. I knew that words were nothing more than a debilitating facade, that there was really no need for spoken word, if people could only look inside and read from each other's shared energy.

Second, I realized that there were many things I could improve about myself. My weight, my behavior, my mood. I was able to self-criticize without any feelings of anger or bitterness, and self-criticism has been something I've done by absolute best to avoid in the past.

Finally, and most importantly, I realized just how much H and my daughter meant to me, that I did not want to ever have to live without them, and I spent hours after eating another half capsule explaining this to her from every angle, always reciprocated with discourse indicating that she felt the same way, and we were more tuned to each other in that night than we had been since our inception. We made love in the truest sense of the word, our bodies, souls, and energies encircling every aspect of each other, total and complete synchronicity and cohesion. Time was gone, there was no such thing as time, time was an invention by men too blind to see that everything is constantly happening at once, forever. Even as I'm writing this I am quite literally trembling in remembrance of it.

Sleep came quickly and without problems, dreams were lucid and vivid, I could control every one of them. The next day I was told that I would feel unpleasantly 'ate up,' but in all actuality I felt as if I was lying in the afterglow of an orgasm. I was cozy, warm, and benevolent.

Be careful, as I have heard that there are many fake pills out there with compounds which can really make you sick. Its quite unfortunate, these chemicals are giving a dangerous name to what is truly a gentle, effective, and peaceful substance. What amazed me most afterwards about this drug (and I've heard much different accounts from others) was my unwillingness to do this drug again for a while. For the first time, I truly did not want to abuse or disrespect a substance. I'm not that kind of person at all. Usually when I find a drug I like I milk it as long as I can and as frequently as possible. MDMA changed all of that, I don’t want to abuse it in exactly the same way as I don't want to tear pages out of the Old Testament.

Kind of a long description but it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface, I could go on for hours about this substance that I've only tried once, it really is that powerful. I am a better person as a result of using it, and that’s not something I can say for most drugs.

Exp Year: 2002	ExpID: 13716
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Mar 8, 2005	Views: 8,168
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