Citation: Doug. "Everything Is Great, Except Tomorrow: An Experience with Cocaine & Crack (exp13748)". Erowid.org. Mar 5, 2019. erowid.org/exp/13748
||(powder / crystals)
I Am Addicted
I feel silly writing this, I never thought cocaine addiction would happen to me. I never thought about cocaine for the first 35 years of my life. Then one night I went over to a friends house, and he had a friend over smoking crack. The guy gave me some and I took it home and was up all night. It was wonderful, until I came down the next day, and of course didn't have any more.
After that, my friend introduced me to some dealers of powder cocaine at a bar near his house, and so for the last six months I've been going there 2-3 times a month. There was one bad binge near Christmas where I did coke and crack for four days straight; otherwise, I've just done powdered cocaine.
I've been stuggling with it for several months now. I've developed this ritual. First, I do things that will trigger cravings (like looking at pictures of coke). Then I head to the bar where I know I can get it with exactly $85 (80 for coke, $2 for toll and $3 for a bud). I order a beer, chat with the regulars, find the dealer, buy a gram (always exchanging on the down low), chat some more, then head out the door. I usually run to the car, incredibly excited, and the ride home always seems like it takes forever.
For some reason, whenever I get it, I get an attack of diarrhea (too much information) right when I get home. Then I start chopping it up with a razor blade. Nothing else works to make it fine, and to make it last as long as possible. I try to do two really big lines; the first lines are always the best (it's like coming home). Then after two more lines, I head out to a porn store and float around, totally turned on, buying as much as I can. I also sometimes get nitrous oxide. Then I go home and jack off for hours and hours until I cum. I love it.
I love the sensation of snorting it, and the exhilirated high, the feeling that everything is really really great and that I've found true happiness. I try to do two medium sized lines every half hour, so I never go to far down, and also so I don't string it out until six am. It also makes me incredibly horny, so jack off for 6 hours until I come. The next day is always awful. Not only is there the withdrawal (depression, anxiety, paranoia, hunger, cravings) but there is the knowledge that I've failed again, and the embarassment that my friends will know I've relapsed. I've already lost two good friends over this, and suffered horrible money problems, and yet here I sit at work schemeing about going to that bar and then going to a strip club. But what about tomorrow? The thing I learned is that anyone can become addicted-I become addicted maybe after six times, and will probably use again tonight, despite everything. So in the end with coke, the despair and self hatred is much worse then the high could ever be.
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