DOSE:

1 hit

oral

LSD

(blotter / tab)

BODY WEIGHT:

150 lb

It began like any other powerful episode does. I began to drift in and out of lucidity, sometimes anxious about the loss of control, sometimes exhilarated about the loss of control, sometimes euphoric in absolute madness, a madness aware of- and somewhat directed. As the night wore on, I entered new places that I had perceived- something that I am not sure I can any longer, but rather it is something I assume after a certain point.

I began to realise the place I was headed was a very exciting, new and strange place. It had no familiarity, yet it was as if I found something so obvious that I had never truly looked before but it was as if I had always known. It is not explanatory but it fills with the need to express further the actuality of what occurred. Near as I can figure it, when I allowed and accepted where I was going to do for me exactly what I wanted it to do- allow me to feel as though I was truly able to catch a glimpse of a not-material reality. A world that is not based on even language, for as I try to decipher what I was learning, I quickly quickly that I was doing so in the alphabet- A’s, B’s- all of which are part of the very reality that I was annihilating. The identity itself- the ego- began to tear. The fabric itself of what is around me tore and my memories are nearly impossible to translate, for as the ego leaves so do the explicit material ways to explain where I was, I was now beyond a reality where these material issues are of much importance. Now, I started to move internally into a heightened understanding, an understanding and direct association with the self- that one has separated from it so completely that it is not difficult to believe that sometime soon in this state I will feel a true all powering sensation.

A quick glance around the area, the room, the bookshelves and the people- talking about things completely innocently and materially based, they can not be allowed into my place. I have discovered my place so completely that it is absolutely imperative that people not disturb me. It is somewhere very much the absolute of peace and feels as though I was learning how to reveal to myself the ability to navigate the course of the rest of the journey.

At once I began to mentally realise the interventions of the other trippers- two acid, one ecstasy- was a disturbing tie to the material realm. I felt my ego suffer and swell to far too encompassing prominence as I fell to the floor to search for an earring guard. The time I spent on the carpet fed the ego and helped to feed the poison of scientific certainty. At that point, I withdrew from the carpet, cursed the strength of my ego, and declared to myself the certainty with which I would turf it. I began to drift. I drifted hard and I drifted deep under the layers. I could feel my essence move within itself, contort inwardly yet separate absolutely from where I had been inside the ego itself. This very ego that was so all encompassing I had never seen it fit (nor had the comfort to admit) anywhere, yet it was everything absolutely everywhere in the material reality I had assumed the misfortune to believe. At this point, I was gone- I was in a new place in its absolute entirety. The truth of the matter is that once one has comprehended how absolutely utterly impossible – totally impossible- to truly trust that which is “here”- material reality- assumes the place of a set fantasy, where the reality one can see through trust and experience with the annihilated ego “self”. This is a place where all consciousness blurs into one base understanding, one felt with extreme clarity, but it is not certain if that feeling comes from my material shell or from my actual understanding, my true essence. Once I understood- something so powerful total and absolutely illuminating- at that point I began to cry and laugh and every massive emotion welled and the pleasure and the realisation was almost so potent as to feel like I was overflowing with sensation. The sensation began to take on something beyond this world so utterly- so entirely so- that nothing other than the experience could be understood. I was looking but I could not see yet I saw more than was there- I breathed yet was unaware of the air or even the body taking it in- I thought and felt both infant and 1000 years old, older than true knowledge itself.

I was in the closest thing I can define to true sanity, the total expression I have known. I saw where I had earlier torn the fabric of the connection I had to the material egos in the form of my close friends. Then I began to mentally, as though sewing a T-shirt- began to assemble a mentally constructed cellophane separation across the room that kept their material selves from interrupting the space I was in. I had turned away from the room while staring across it and sitting right in the middle of the plane that was here. I thought of little else, except that I had tuned them out entirely. I was off in a new existence to my senses, but again I felt comforted. I learned how to struggle against all the expressions of the petty: I tortured my ego, I attempted to separate from my space as best as one entrance level can take one. I was guided to a place where I was shown doors, choices for paths. I did not have the knowledge as to how to navigate any path as of yet. I was too much the novice. The clarity that was euphoric was the simple spotting of these paths, the conformation for even the sceptical side of the ego that what I saw was very much what was going on and offering itself as a higher knowledge. It was to know that the ego gets in the way. To look around and see the suffering caused by the deception, a deception so clear that the ones I was with knew not even they were being deceived. That felt utterly evil yet brilliant. At this point, I began to wander about the house- including a journey into my room to stare at books, feel the true power and absolute bliss that is my brain itself. The bliss rolled upon itself as the creative imagination took me on more journeys and I stroked the back of my truly attuned cat for quite some time. As I faded from joy to joy in rapid succession until the eyes for the book nor the hand for the notes could function at all.

At this point, I realised that I had only begun to truly challenge the ego, never more than 5-10% of it was attacked at the same time at any one point. I never escaped the shackles of the clock, which my friend was kind enough to help me understand- turning it around and watching me fidget, finally culminating in my unplugging it. This I came to see as an act that accepts both the materialist interpretation of the problem and also allows the materialist “solution” to continue to pollute and waste the efforts of the self to attack and crush the ego. The utter attack on all that IS, all that can BE- that has not even begun to be undertaken. But being shown the doors, and given the secrets to what feels near divine- to control the process and to travel deliberately- is a certainty that truly allow me to understand my own insignificance. Yet the greater aspect of my new knowledge is that the insignificance is truly breathtaking and positive. It is to truly know how little we need get caught up in that which is material. It is to see the path free of petty jealousies, concerns towards that which is uncontrollable and to see the need for absolute inner peace part of a pre-requisite to being one who can fight the injustices which ravage and torment so many unwilling egos. It is to know how little is known and to be absolutely delighted in a world and a lifetime of searches. It is to appreciate the word, it is to denigrate the attitude that represses and attacks that which is part of the human spirit.

It is to know the paths exist and that there is so very much more. It is to be certain of uncertainty, it is to know that reality itself is the only true insanity. It is the vision of the window.

Exp Year: 2001	ExpID: 13976
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: May 28, 2021	Views: 510
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