Citation: FlowGnome. "The Day the Magic Died: An Experience with MDMA (exp15589)". Erowid.org. Jun 25, 2002. erowid.org/exp/15589
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This is a report of my history with the only drug I had ever become addicted to, MDMA, and why I stopped. I'll start out by saying that MDMA was the first drug that I had tried, and during the periods I was abusing it most heavily I was depressed almost constantly.
My first MDMA experience was more intense than I could possibly imagine. It transformed me from a shy, rather phobic person into a person I liked, a person that could express his emotions clearly and actually learn to love other people again. The afterglow from the first time lasted weeks. I was unusually cheerful the entire time, and felt on top of the world. Completely unusual for someone who has been depressed their entire life.
That was early 2000, and that year I used it maybe 8 times total, along with a few experiments with MDA. Fast forward to summer 2001. The LSD had finally stopped flowing to town, but I stupidly hungered for whatever altered state I could find, and it was usually more MDMA. I would estimate that I ate around 55 pills between April & August. Every time it would become less intense, but I would spend any amount of money to eat more and try to get that original feeling back. The worst was a weekend I blew $200.00 on pills, my entire paycheck (since I had been skipping work due to MDMA hangovers) that needed to cover rent and ate 4 pills friday night and 6 saturday. I remember being half awake and half asleep sunday morning, having to urinate so bad but unable, feeling like utter trash. I made the decision then, it had to end. When I started exploring MDMA, psychedelics and the like, I made a pact with myself to cut myself off if I ever got in too deep... and I had jumped into the grand canyon with this one.
It wasn't just the MDMA though, it was a trend in general. If there was booze around, drink it, meth, snort it, etc... It didn't matter what it was anymore, the urge to get 'fucked up' had replaced my original goals of self exploration. I quit MDMA at that point, and have only done it once since, with good effects, but not the original magic I remembered. I suppose I'm lucky I cut myself off when I did. It wasn't too long after that I curtailed usage of everything, recognizing the MDMA as part of an extremely dangerous trend. I started doing the same thing with AMT for a while, since it was dirt cheap, until an encounter with the nastiness that is BZP forced me to rethink doing anything at all. I went sober for quite a while, quit drinking entirely, quit any form of stimulants (even caffeine) and got my shit together.
This year I have tripped around 6 times, which is plenty, and am finally able to treat psychedelics with the respect they deserve, and not be another crackhead fiending for everything and anything. I feel better about myself for this, and though still depressed, at least I'm not blowing all my money on drugs. I can't handle being around my old 'drug' friends anymore, they're always too strung out, impossible to relate with. I often wonder if thats how I appeared to everyone else while I was at the worst part of the general addiction. Some sober friends have come forward and said that they were worried about me at the time. I'm sure some of them tried to talk to me about it while it was going on, but I probably ignored them.
The only reason I post this report is because the information that was given to me about MDMA when I first read about it was that it had almost no potential for addiction. I believe it does have the potential, and I've seen others who have burnt themselves out on it in the same way posting on messageboards, usenet, etc... I hope that I can get some form of message across that any drug is dangerous in the wrong mind, and hopefully help someone else to notice and moderate themselves, so they can keep the magic of this powerful tool alive.
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