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Reflection on E
MDMA (Ecstasy)
by guy
Citation:   guy. "Reflection on E: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp16096)". Erowid.org. May 2, 2005. erowid.org/exp/16096

 
DOSE:
    MDMA (pill / tablet)

BODY WEIGHT: 170 lb


I just read an experience where someone with a mild case of social anxiety disorder had discovered E. It caught my attention because of the glaring similarity to myself - I consider myself having a slight case of social anxiety disorder, and I discovered E. In fact, the experience sounded so much like my own experience from the early days that I felt compelled to reflect upon this.

In what I read, the individual mentions that 'E' was a tool for self-exploration, and coming to terms with what's going on in their life. I thought that about 'E' too. It did the same thing for me. It helped me see things from a different perspective, and analyze my life as if I were a 3rd party to it. But slowly, over time, using 'E' morphed from being a tool, to becoming a necessity. That's the blindness it created! It itself became a part of 'normal' life. Before I knew it, I was using it every other weekend because normal life didn't seem right without that escape every weekend. The result of about 30-40 doses of E over the period of 18 months at a average rate of 1 dose per 1.5 weeks turned me into an emotionally unstable, panic/anxiety attack prone individual.

I've gone about 6 weeks, possibly more without using E. I feel very good, but not normal yet. I still get flashes of panic from time to time and often worry if I've done permanent damage to myself from using it. I think that's the panic talking again, but it's weird because I've never ever worried about my health in the past.

I LOVE E. I've devoted a huge chunk of my spare time to understanding more about it. I can't tell you how good life was with 'E'. I don't think I've ever known such pleasure. The high times were the best. The come down was always tough, and got worse in the later days. It's always depressing to think that I probably won't get there again. But I don't regret my experience - those times were so awesome, and I'm still here to remember them. ;-) The compromise I need to make now is to trade my panic/anxiety attacks in for never having to use 'E' again. And I think that's the choice I'm going to make. The worst part about the whole thing is this: were somebody to put a pill in front of me, i would eat it in a second if it were a Friday or Saturday. I do not have confidence in my ability to control myself, EVEN after everything that has happened. Fortunately for me, it got much harder to get, so it's not worth the effort.

My message - please be very careful with 'E'. It's more sinister then I could imagine. It took control of my life without me even realizing it. I believed I was SO smart for finding a substance that helps me understand myself. That's the drug reinforcing itself. Before I knew it, it owned you! I read a saying once about E & college students that rings SO true - Freshman LOVE it, Sophomores like it, Juniors are impartial to it, and Seniors are SCARED of it. I managed to go through all those stages in a matter of 18 months. If you are a heavy user of E, I say remember that you have the strength to see the REAL truth if and when things get rough, even though life may not even feel much like living at that point. I take pride in the fact that I was able to, and that I'm still here to tell you about this.

Exp Year: 2001ExpID: 16096
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: May 2, 2005Views: 6,098
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MDMA (3) : Post Trip Problems (8), Retrospective / Summary (11), Unknown Context (20)

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