Citation: Sarara. "Mind Over Drug Matters: An Experience with Ecstasy (exp1673)". Erowid.org. Oct 23, 2000. erowid.org/exp/1673
||(pill / tablet)
The week before I'd been to this party right before I was supposed to pick some friends up to go to a drag show. It was at this party that I met J., the E dealer. I knew my tweo friends wanted to find some, so I got it for them, but none for me, since I'd never done it before. We got to the club where our old friend Chris was competing in a drag queen pageant, and they took the pills an hour before we left...as we were driving home in the car suddenly my friend said 'It just hit me. I feel wonderful.' And suddenly her strong silent-type bf had this big grin and was rambling on to me like I was his best friend. They were so happy. It occurred to me that I might have to try rolling some day soon.
My boyfriend got our pills and I picked him up a little after midnight. We were headed to J's house, where everyone was rolling. I was scared, and my bf began to go over everything he knew about ecstasy with me. He asked me which pill I wanted- he had two kinds. It didn't really matter. I took Statue of Liberty; he took Motorola.
He told me we had 15 minutes left to go in the car and I popped the pill. He continued telling me more and mroe about the things I'll notice when the e kicked in. We got lost, I got scared. I couldn't be driving when the shit kicked in...I'd kill us. We stopped at a convenience store to ask for directions. I felt panic in me. He went in, and I decided I should get some water and go to the bathroom. Things were beginning to look a little funny. I came out, feeling desperate...'Chris, we have to get there soon.'
He knew the way now...I remember not understanding the roads as I felt my mind ease into something I don't have a name for...like the feeling you feel when you're on the high dive board and just walking to the edge, knowing the plunge you're about to take.
'Now, this is a little bit of a tricky driveway...just be careful, now, cause I'm starting to roll.' Something about the bushes was amazing.
We parked, and I stepped out of the car. That was when it hit me. Chris had already made itup the stairs and I looked up at him and the stairs seemed to open right up into the sky. He looked like an angel. I walked up. We went through these hallways and as we walked I felt music pumping louder and louded and even though I knew we were upstairs, I was under the distinct impression that we were going underground in a tunnel.
We burst into the upstairs room and I reveled in its glory...turntables in the corner, comfy chairs, artwork showing in the dim lights all over the walls...I was alone in this spinning room and I thought to myself, 'This is going to be wonderful.'
And that was when all the people made themselves evident. They jumped into the room shouting, all sketched out like. 'Did anyone take the liberty?' I had and told them so. Chris spoke more to them. 'Honey, this is your first time? You only took a half right?' No. 'The liberties are really really strong, more than we thought. Get in the bathroom...you're going to puke. Mike did.'
I went int here and I felt so shaken, so scared. Visions of hospital beds ran through my head. The one girl that lived there with J and W sat me on the edge of the bathtub. 'I never want to do this again.' I said, scared. Chris got mad. He'd wanted everything to be perfect for me.
The girl told me I could will it away and not puke, probably, but that I should just puke and that I'd feel great. I hate puking and that girl was sketching me out so I said 'fuck this' and walked back out into the living room. I sat in a chair and lit a cigarette with people screaming at me 'hon, stay in the bathroom, stay int he bathroom, hun'. I told them to chill and let me do what I was going to do.
That was when Jessica came, like an angel out of nowhere. It was he first time, too, but she was young enough and her mind naive enough that I was certain the only thing running through her mind was 'weeeeeeee!' But she seemed calm and sweet and sat at my feet and talked to me and I felt better. She made my mind all better, but I was still frightened of the puking.
I loved everyone suddenly! I felt wonderful and didn't stop talking for 5 hours. I just sat in my chair and gabbed at people, never leaving it for anything. I even called my friend in the middle of thenight to tell her how great it was. However, it was marred by this sense of fear that had been instill by the sketchy people and the messy rooms that I'd experienced when I first got there. I was scared to leave my chair, or move too much or try anything. Everytime I took a first drag off a cigarette, nausea ran through me. I felt unstable.
I felt my pill might be wearing off, my boyfriend suggested that it most likely was. I told him not to say that again. The thought of coming down made me feel entirely depressed and sick. We smoked a couple of bowls and I felt nothing. Someone spilt the bowl and my bf got on the floor to find the weed and moved the coffee table right into my foot. He looked at me: 'Hun, get into the bathroom, get into the bathroom. Come one, baby, into the bathroom.' But I had such bad mental connections with that bathroom from when I first got there that I would rather face the ramifications of whatever would happen if I puked out in the living room and at the thought of going into that bathroom, I grabbed a plastic bag from the floor and puked my guts out into it. Everyone noticed the commotion of Chris telling me to get to the John, and me waving with nausea and they all stopped what they were doing to watch. After I puked there into the bag, I looked up. Someone said, 'That was f!
ucking smooth, girl.'
I still felt unstable, but after a little time passed, I felt beautiful again for a few hours, and was able to go to sleep.
So, fundamentally, though I didn't get into all the wonderful details, I had a phenomenal rolling experience, and would love to do it again soon. I was reciting poetry for people, I could feel the smell and sound of things run through my entire body...the love I felt was beautiful and pure and the mutual empathy living in that room made all my conversations and thoughts infinitely valuable.
HOWEVER, I realize that all these good things come from love and emotion and wonder that are already present in your mind, the drug just enhances and facilitates the use of these feelings and ideas. This principle can work against you, also- as it did for me.
All the fear in my mind caused me to feel sick and unstable. Some mistakes I made are as follows:
1. Going over it too much in my mind before hand. Chris went so into depth and I racked my brains about it for so long before that it cause me to feel paranoid and freaked out. Whenever I do e now, I bring my game boy or a rubix cube and fiddle with it while I wait for my roll to hit, as to not think so much about it. This helps a lot.
2. Not being where I was staying when I took the pill. Now, I make sure I chill where I plan to stay for the night for a little bit, then take my pill and continue to chill so I'll already be comfortable when the e kicks in.
3. Although I knew some of the people there, I should've been better acquainted with them. Luckily, they were exactly the kind of people I needed to be around on e, except for their little sketch out. You need to make sure that everyone is feeling easy going and that they won't do anything to make you too nervous.
4. Always be in an environment in which you are totally comfortable.
5. If you need to puke when you first start rolling, just let those cookies out. You'll feel much better and your high will be intensified once you release the weight of your supressed fears.
6. Everyone knows that drugs wear off- don't be too surprised when it happens to you!!! Be ready and comfortable.
So definitely, the trick to a good roll is having the right state of mind...just relax and let the e take you where it's gonna take you.
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