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Life Without It
Citation:   HappyGirl. "Life Without It: An Experience with Methamphetamine (exp16813)". Apr 25, 2005.

  insufflated Methamphetamine (powder / crystals)
*Please read my first report, 'Beautiful White Snow', before reading this.*

I wanted to address a very real side effect of meth - what happens when I don't have it. Consider it a warning - what most people go through is much worse. If this sounds bad, double-think before snorting up. For addicts like me, the high is worth the downs.

My stash began to run low, but I didn't think about it - I never thought I'd have a problem getting some more. So when I had about 2 days worth left, I went to my dealer - and found out that his seller had been snatched up by the cops. Damn. Down to Los Angeles I drove, to speak with some other dealers. It was one disaster after another - one has quit dealing from paranoia, another sent to rehab, and the last person I had ran out of my percious snow - and said he had now switched to selling cocaine. For the money, he said.

Driving back home, I began to shake - I didn't want to face the withdrawals, the lethargy, the depression. At home, I began to crush ephedrine tablets I had purchased off the internet. 8 mg per pill, with nothing else. I crushed about 100 mg worth, then crushed 200 mg of anhydrous caffeine into it. I then carefully ground the rest of my meth into a very fine powder, and mixed it in. I prayed that this cut would help create a placebo effect in my mind - I was still snorting a lot, so I wouldn't feel as deprived. Maybe, it would help tide me over until I got more.

I was wrong. Painfully wrong.

I was able to make 2 days worth of meth last 10 days - but I could feel the effects of being deprived - even with my mixture, I was lethargic, irritable, angry, depressed and hungering for meth. The hunger is the worst part - every cell in my being was deprived - crying out for its drug of choice. I thought I would die simply from desire alone. I thought it would get better over time - It didn't.

It's now been two and a half weeks without meth - and the hunger is just as bad. I recut my mixture, and I am sure that there is no meth left in it, perhaps only 2-3% at best. The yearning eats away at me, depriving me of rational thought upon other subjects. Although my hunger is just as bad, I've begun to develop a mental bridge over it - much like trying to ignore a pain in your body. It's helped a little.

Within a week I should have more of my white snow - and I cannot imagine the relief I'll feel when that first line begins to burn, when it slowly runs down my throat... The more I think about it, the worse the hunger becomes - nothing else matters. Not college, not my family, not my friends. Those thoughts alone prove I'm an addict - and when I realize that meth is more important to me than the people who love me, I know I'm an addict, and I understand why people hate us. I hate myself. I never believed I would think this way, but now that I do it seems so natural, so obvious that meth is better than anything else. No one, no thing, makes me feel like my beautiful white snow does... Nothing compares to the way it makes me feel. I can't stop because meth is my master - it has the power to ruin my life, to make me feel like dying. I've never felt as bad as I do now - I don't believe anything had made me feel as bad as being without meth.

That is the centerpoint of my addiction - the power one thing has over a person. I thought I was a strong, intelligent woman - but now I realize I'm a slave. I'm so much a slave that I don't want to be free - because I can't see anything being better than what I'm getting now.

Pray for me. Pray for all addicts like me.


Exp Year: 2002ExpID: 16813
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Apr 25, 2005Views: 8,995
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Methamphetamine (37) : Not Applicable (38), Addiction & Habituation (10)

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