Citation: Mr. Schiz. "Released My Crappy Subconscious: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) & Tianeptine (exp17631)". Erowid.org. Mar 3, 2008. erowid.org/exp/17631
||(pill / tablet)
||Pharms - Tianeptine
I used to take ecstasy frequently for 2 years sometimes 8 in a weekend,sometimes once a month.If they fucked me up too much i gave it a break for a bit then started again. It created problems in me since day 1. Because of my condiotions social anxiety and depression i would take it thinking that it would have some special sort of realisation and overcome my problems. I didnt it just made me worse but now i had found something that i could actually have fun with, rather then alcohol and weed which would make me fuck off paranoid. So i did it loads until i realised that if i carried on any further i would have nothing left in my brain.
Although i had problems b4 now i am really really bad. I am paranoid as shit, i think im weird as fuck and cannot communictae with ppl properly, am spaced as shit, nothing seems real, i have no motivation for anything, my memory sucks, cant get angry or cry even though i should, if someone in my family died right now i doubt i could cry.I just feel like i have emotions but my body wont let them out anymore and this feels like a gutting sensation in my stomach constantly. I see no point in living except to wait and see if i get better. The only reason i havent killed my self yet is because i havent the motivation or the energy. I used to be good at art which i was going to do as a career but because of pills - i have forgotten how to, i just cant do it anymore.
I think mdma realesed my crappy subconscious into my conscoius thoughts. The situations where my heart used to race now i simply sit and take the pain in my brain as evil thoughts. Apparently for ppl like me in takes between 6 months to a year to see 'significant improvements' but not recovery.
Even though it has done all this stuff to me i do beleive it has role with psychologists. The only positive from all this is that it has changed my personality from a shy scared person to a paranoid person who looks shy but dosent feel shy - i am myself but only in my head, i cant express myself - for some reason it feels painful.
There is actaully some medication I use to reverse mdma depressions - i used to use it until the online pharmacy closed. It is called 'tianeptine'. Instead of dulling my emotions like prozac does, it tends to amplify them. Tianeptine worked for me.
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