Citation: wicked ep. "We're All Addicts: An Experience with MDMA (exp18527)". Erowid.org. Oct 30, 2002. erowid.org/exp/18527
As I was reading through the Addiction & Habituation section of the MDMA experiences, I felt like people were describing my life, not theirs. I sit here listening to beautiful ambient music and acknowledging how this drug has changed me forever. I also read that some people writing about addiction are afraid and have not been able to stop yet.
I began using E in a pretty average way, so I'll spare the details here. A couple weeks after the first time, a trend developed and began to snowball. At about the two month mark, I would frequently have eight people in my two bedroom apt. all rolling off my pills. Sometimes we'd roll two or three nights in a row, but never more. After I had people using my house to make drug deals, had my relationship with my girlfriend end, had my apartment broken into, etc., I decided to cut down. I did a few pills about once a week for the next eight months. By Dec. 2001, I weight 100 lbs. My entire trust fund was depleted by tuition, living expenses, and my habit. I spent 5 1/2 months in rehab and sober, and then I went back for a few more times. I stayed in the Tampa area trying to get/stay sober and become independent, picking up the pieces and putting my life together. Two weeks ago, my parents cut me off and told me they wanted me to move back to Mass.
I've learned a lot from the past few years, mostly things that can't be put into words; the kind of things you can only learn from real life experience. I've grown from a shy, uptight, depressed computer geek into a mellow, outgoing, goofy character who dances and writes electronic music. I've seen and done some things I wish I could see and do over and over again forever, and some things I wish I'd never seen or done and don't ever want to see or do again.
My point to all of this is that everyone is different. Some people can treat E as a sacrament, a part of a ritual, so that moderation facilitates the best experience possible with the minimum of unwanted consequences. And some people just can't. I love E and I'm a big believer in its power to show people what life is all about. If you can find a balance, more power to you. If you can't, then sit down and take a serious look at your life. Get help if you need it. My parents may have been upset, or disappointed, or whatever, when they found out what I was doing, but they still love me and do everything in their power to help me out. If you need it, getting help is always better than suffering alone.
I love my life and I wouldn't change one bit of it. I'm going to take what I've learned and apply it to my life the best I can. I'm going to try to communicate what I've learned to others, because a lot of people need to hear the kinds of things I've learned that have made life easier for me. I'm not completely sober today, but it's been three months since I touched any hard drugs. I don't know what I'll do in the future, as I really miss rolling and believe that I can find a balance, a moderation that works for me. Right now though, I'm taking a break and really thinking about everything, looking at the big picture. Meditation, spirituality, exercise, and writing music have all really helped. When you get right down to it, human beings are addicts by nature. Sometimes we get healthy addictions, and sometimes we get unhealthy ones. Try to replace unhealthy ones with healthy ones.
I'm sort of starting to ramble, so I'll close with this: milk life experiences for all they're worth. Find balance in every area of your life that you can. Love yourself and love others. Live, learn, grow, smile, and have fun. Be who you are. Just be. Try new things. Forgive yourself and forgive others. Remember that nobody's perfect and that failure is a fact of life. Don't take yourself too seriously. Remember that God has a great sense of humor. And above all, remember that the sun is always shining somewhere.
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