Citation: LostInSpace. "Decay of Reality: An Experience with Cannabis, MDMA & Methamphetamine (exp19228)". Erowid.org. Sep 5, 2005. erowid.org/exp/19228
One day, I can't remember when, I was at college. It was hot, the sun was shining, I was sitting on the field with my friend C and some blokes smoking a joint. I had half a joint I think, with C and then I could not talk again. I was very quiet. I felt very distant to everyone, like they were all a million miles away and I was an alien orbiting them. I couldnít connect with them. I donít remember thinking about anything. I just remember sitting and not thinking, feeling a bit weird and starting to feel a little depressed by it. C pointed it out, she laughed at me. I couldnít say anything in my defense. I didnít know what was wrong.
That was the first time. What I didnít know is that that was just the beginning. I started smoking draw less but when I did smoke I was usually fine. But my experiences with other drugs were getting worse. They made me freak out, unbelievable paranoia, like believing through and through that 50,000 people at a rave were out to get me. Then hash stopped being nice. I would smoke and a whole new world would open up to me. I saw my friends as they really were, deceitful, liars, trying to control me, define me. Showing me how to behave and act. Show me I was a bad, weird person. I thought they used to imitate me so that I could see how strange I was, that I didnít act right. Paranoia. Paranoia. Paranoia. I wouldnít speak. I would just stare into nothing, unable to look at anyone.
I quit my job and started staying at home a lot. Curtains drawn, not answering my phone, not getting off the couch. After a while I couldnít go on the net anymore, I thought they were spying on me on there as well. I couldnít leave my house sometimes, I knew they were watching, even if I went to London to get away- they were aware of my every move. I went in and out of thinking the phone was bugged and there were cameras in the house. I spent all my time figuring out their conspiracies, trying to work out everything that was wrong with me. The list was so long and the thoughts so caning, that I tried several times to kill myself.
My parents were getting fed up of the 5am knock on their door with me telling them to take me to hospital, Iíd overdosed. Once I spent a week in the psychiatric ward. I also got sent to a rehab centre because they thought I was addicted to alcohol and cannabis. I stayed there for six weeks. None of this would have happened if it wasnít for that paranoia. Donít get me wrong I smoked weed for two years and loved it until this happened. I was going to try and describe the paranoia but its so hard to explain when it comes down to it. I can use examples but I cant really get across what it was like. Partly because the memories fading but also cause it confuses me, and still does.
I guess it's like discovering my whole life has been a lie. That I are a lie. That what I thought I knew is not true and is merely a cover up to the truth. I feel as though I am learning the truth, my eyes are wide open now but what I see is shit-scary and depressing. Its like one huge hellish nightmare that I can't escape. I have no one to turn to because they will use it against me; they could be one of them and anything I ever say - they already know. They know how I feel, what I do and what I think. Its like they can read my mind. I just have to figure out how they know this. It's me against them but I'm not really sure who THEY are either. And learning and knowing all this, is a hard thing to cope with. How do I talk to people that already know what I'm gonna say? How do I tell someone what I decided to do when they are the ones that got me to make that decision? How do I walk around being normal when I know I am being watched but can't see the person thatís watching me. And no one believes what I think my friends are doing and I'm starting to feel crazy; I want to smoke weed again but when I do, this all happens again. I want to go outside, but I'm terrified, I AM completely trapped and the only way to escape is to die. It seems an easy choice, living like that, which isnít really living at all, OR sweet, harmless death where I will not have to feel or think again.
What choice would you make..How would you copeÖ?
The truth is somehow I did manage to cope, it took me a long year but eventually Iíve sorted it out. Iím back at college, Iím planning to go to university next year. I even have a job, working around lots of people behind a bar. I still do some drugs, well most drugs except cannabis. To be honest Iím too scared to touch it. Just in case it happens again. I have a lot of new friends that I see all the time and I can talk to if I really need to. My parents have helped a lot. I guess I can get over it. I wouldnít have believed you if you had said it to me but its true. So if you have been through anything like this or still are- donít give up. You just need to find your way of getting better. Donít be afraid to ask for help.
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