Citation: regrets. "Every Day - Hell - Unknown: An Experience with Caffeine (exp19399)". Erowid.org. Dec 5, 2002. erowid.org/exp/19399
Iím writing this at the age of 17, a year after my experience, the reason, I dont know, maybe because I feel so alone, theres no one to talk too. also, to say that you can get #$*ked up off caffeine despite all these storys of people that seem to recover
For a few mornings at my school someone took caffeine pills to give out and sell, me and my mates had one or two, there was little effect - except becoming slightly more energetic. I told him to buy me some from the shop, so he did and I paid him at school. That day I had 9 throughout the period of around about 4 - 5 hours. Probably on an empty stomach, I can't remember the details. I'm pretty sure id finished them all by lunchtime.
The reason I took them was to have fun, have a cheap buzz. The reason I kept taking more was because I couldnt feel anything at first, they took quite a while to take effect. By lunchtime I peaked out, I talked real fast to some of my friends and I remember fragmented details, being asked 'what are you on?' - and remembering the smiles of a friend as he thought it was quite cool that I was so hyperactive. The peak felt really nice but I only remember it being nice for a few minutes.
I cant remember where this fits in but at one point I was starting to realise I'd taken too much, I went to the toilet and tried to throw up, or do something, I wanted whatever was left in my stomach to get out, I dont know why I didnt throw up, maybe there wasnt enough down there to spew up. At this point I was feeling desperate - thousands of thoughts were starting to race, nothing was making sense.
The last period that day, I was in class, and I needed to go toilet really badly, partly because I was shaking heaps and didnt want people to see me like that and partly because I wanted to try and spew up again, I tried, it didnt work. I drank water trying to flush my system, I drank as much as I could, I was worrying about if I was doing the right thing, I thought drinking lots might flush my system but I also thought drinking lots might help the caffeine get absorbed more into my system, which was the last thing I wanted. I splashed water on my face, to cool me down, the day was hot and I was overheating.
After that period I had soccer training, WHY, did I go. I hate my poor judgement. My heart was racing, pounding hard, I was sweating, so I had to cool myself off by splashing water on my face. One of my team members had taken some pills, except not as many, at this point he was going through a mild version of what I was going through, he wasnt in a panic, I was. I tried to hide my panic, my mates were asking me what it was like, I lied to them, trying to cover up my feelings. I got through training but I couldnt run fast, me and the other guy had to stop and get drinks while everyone else kept training hard.
I got a lift home, and went straight to my room, I wasnt shaking as much, but I felt horrible, I lay on my bed, trying to calm down, I was never going to calm down. I got a call from a close friend, he had talked to another friend who had had lots of caffeine pills at a concert, he said from her description he was worried for me. (or something along those lines, I hardly remember). I lied and said I was fine, hung up and went back to my room.
I have absolutely no idea what happened to the time, I had no appetite, I think I missed dinner, all I remember is later on at night. This is where the horror started, in my room, I lay on my bed, my chest hurt, the only way to describe it was 'it felt like my lungs were bleeding' (agggggggh, it felt horrible, it felt like my lungs were filling up with blood, a cold, terrifying feeling.) I thought I was going to die, I wrote a few simple sentences of goodbye on a piece of paper which I left on the floor. 'I'm so sorry, I didnt mean to, please forgive me' a message to my family. crude, hurried, I couldnt think of anything else, my mind was racing.
I lay on the floor in agony. I remember my sister asking at some point are you allright, I said yes. (she didnt see me but she may have heard me still up, shuffling about or something.) (I didnt want to tell anyone the truth).
Inside my head there was a mental battle going on, the choices - tell my family go to hospital, feel the incredible shame of being helpless, and of doing something so stupid. OR - keep it to myself, and save myself the shame of telling someone what I was going through, and try get through the night. I chose the second option, there was no way I could tell my family, what would they think of me? I couldnt live with the shame. I would have to go through every day knowing that they knew I had overdosed on caffeine. An incredibly stupid act.
I lay on my bed..... sat on my bed...... pushed up against the wall...... lay down....... turned over...... all the time trying to make myself feel a little bit more comfortable. It was impossible, I felt so damn horrible, I was afraid for my life. I cried silently. I prayed to god, something along the lines of 'please let me live through to tomorow'.
I thought I'd never sleep, but it came, without me knowing, I woke up, I was surprised, I didnt expect to be alive. I badly wanted to stay home, but I ended up going to school, THE BUS TRIP WAS HORRIBLE. It was a very cool morning, almost the type where you can breath mist. I got on the bus, my chest was tight, I could feel EVERY single bump, it made it harder to breath. My friends tried to comfort me, they knew what had happened, advice came from all, get off at the next stop, go home, a friend even tried making me laugh by offering me a cigarette, that was the last thing I needed, I could've puke at the thought. I made it through the bus trip, and got off the bus, my friends helped me to sit down in the bus shelter, I had to walk incredibly slowly.
The road to school was about 500 meters, there was no way I could get that far without collapsing, My friends left me half way, and one of them took me to another mates house, where we stopped off occasionally, my mate told his mum I was having chest pains, I was desperate, she took my temperature, I said it was probably just the cold, she offered a lift to school, I gladly accepted. I decided with my friend whether to see the nurse and tell her what happened. I didnt know how much confidentiality I would get so I didnt tell the truth, I said Iíve just got a sore chest and it must be because of the cold, she took it no further and let me lie down in a room.
I left about 40 mins later and went to class. My chest having improved slightly. My heart was pumping weirdly, abnormally. After a few days I had told a few friends. (they mostly said it should go away) A week or so later it was still pumping quite hard. I couldnt seek help. Its hard to explain, I couldnt face the embarrassment.
(I'd sit in class not being able to do work, only thinking about one thing, would my pulse slow down?), I'd check my pulse often, trying to stay away from physical activity, slowing it down as much as I could. Now I realise, it may have stayed fast for so long because I thought about it too much, the added stress would not have helped at all... (your mind really can influence your physical wellbeing)
Soccer games on the weekend were hard, my heart would be pounding, trying to keep up with the pace. I'd get increddibly tired quickly, needing fluids, and feeling dizzy. One game, it poured, the ball hit me in the side of the head, I was slightly concust, added with my physical state I couldve collapsed in a few instants, the rain helped keep me standing, I got partial tunnel vision, things were blurry, I saw sparkles, the frames per second from my eye dropped, the ball would be there and skip, id try kick it, and miss by a mile. I told my mum I would be fine, she wanted me to see a doctor, I thought otherwise, I went home and had a dizzy shower, I had a splitting headache.
A few months later I was practically normal again, I think. I didnt think much about my overdose anymore because I didnt feel any effects of it anymore.
Soccer trials came for the next season, I absolutely was too unfit to do much. Doing lots of sprinting in the past, and some cross country, I was usually quite fit. Those soccer trials were hell, I'd lose my breath quickly. After short runs, my heart would pump fast way sooner than it should. I didnt make the team I had dreamed of making (and probably could have made if id been fit). I joined a public team, and my fitness level improved, although by the end of the season it wasnt at the level it should have been, if I hadn't od'd.
The rest of the year slowly passed, lots of it went okay, towards the end things started to change, id sit in class and notice my hands shaking a bit, not much. I wouldnt be like this all the time, but I'd notice in certain positions or if I gripped things tightly my hand / arm would shake quite noticeably. After sitting still in not fully supporting chairs, that id shake a little. Basically my little experience from the end of the last year had #@%ked with my body. My emotions and mood would be on / off, I'd still try hard at work, but my physical state would get me down, the standards of my work dropped, sometimes thought would be bent on what was happening to me. Still, I remained quiet. I'd smoke weed occasionally with crazy thoughts of, it'd make me feel better. When I'd drink, I'd drink lots, to drown my feelings, mental and physical, its only temporary relief, theres no point in it.
Now, towards when Iím writing this, I still shake, I feel like my body isn't 100%, Iíve been thinking it could be from a higher blood pressure or something.. Every now and then, I do get a sorish chest. Why am I so honest, I just pray Iím doing the right thing, not seeking help, Iíve lived first hand that your diet effects your body, through some sorta self education Iím learning how to live healthy, stay away from certain foods, stay away from products with caffeine, Iíve had coke a few times, depending on my mental and physical state, sometimes Iím okay with it, other times Iím sensitive to it
Through this whole year, my minds been through way too much (a bit of an emotional rollercoaster), with a big workload, other problems, family, friends, etc, the stress can build up pretty high, although I ABSOLUTLEY HATE WHAT I DID, Iíve learnt a lot from my experiences, I DO look at life differently, I try and enjoy simple things, I look at the sunset, trees, leaves and smile, I treat others with respect, I TRY and treasure every moment Iíve got. I think way more than I used to, I regret what I did, but then again, maybe it was for the better, maybe I'll live through life and have a greater understanding of importance, values, what we have, the stupidity of some things. Maybe I think too much because my body has a chemical imbalance now, stuck in a cycle of hyperactivity. There are many questions I'd like answered, I cant face the truth tho, not yet.
(theres lots more to my experience and there will be lots more - (if you havent realised it yet, sadly Iím still living my experience, right now), I cant talk forever, or remember everything I'd like to say, or can I bring myself to fully explain the extent of my feelings, some are so hard to talk about)
To all of you out there, stay fit. I know first hand, how little things really affect your body, stay away from drugs, I know they feel great, they feel worth it. moment your alive, the next your not.... One moment life is good, the next its pure agony. Not only for you, but for the others around you. Sure, some days Iíve felt I would rather be dead, Iím not joking, experiences like this change your view on everything. Then again, the way I think now is, your not only living for yourself, your living for the others around you, before you ruin your life with drugs or think suicidal thoughts, realise that life is precious (no matter what), and never think otherwise.
Think before you act, please, life is delicate
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