Citation: Stephanie. "My Life Took a Turn Today: An Experience with Cocaine (exp19869)". Erowid.org. Dec 23, 2002. erowid.org/exp/19869
I started doing cocaine when I was 17, and I judged it heavily before. When my boyfriend started doing it and loving, i finally relented and was like what the hell. So i did it. It was only a little line and my friend volunteered to try it with me. We had a great night. I constantly talked and felt more at ease with the older guys my boyfriend hung out with. Pretty soon me and my friend were accepted as part of the 'crew'. We all took turns buying the shit and wed spend the night chopping up lines for all of us in a tight room filled with black lights and music playing where it was loud enough to hear each other and to feel the great rythm of the tune. Pretty soon, I started to love yah-yo. I loved the excited, rushing feeling of everything from my heart to my constant need to play with my hair to incredible horniness. Me and my boyfriend have had some great times with coke. Weve pulled all-nighters with endless conversations and sex. Its been great. We still do it.
Im now 18, and a year later, I feel I am addicted. Someone once told me to be 'addicted' mean you actually have the disease: addiction. Its weird to think i have a disease. But honestly, right now, I dont care. We still buy alot of coke. My new girl friend who I constantly chill with, likes coke and does it only occasionally, so she is basically a good influence on me. She keeps me sober when I really need it, sometimes shes like a god-send. My old best friend who tried it first with me, well we aren't friends anymore. And honestly, it partially had to do with the coke. First, she once fronted me her whole paycheck and other money when i was low of cash and the it was me who never wanted to part with the money id have, finally, to pay her back. It became a constant fight, and our friendship finally ended when her current boyfriend dumped her for doing a line in front of him. She said i made it too tempting and she felt i was silently pressuring her to continue the lifestyle i always thought was fun.
I still love it, and i really doubt i could have quit for her, laid back on it definitly, but she wouldnt listen, i do miss her sometimes. The new friend, is cool with it. She loves the car ride to go get it and loves how I chat forever on the way back. Shes the one who buys the weed we smoke to give me that great high. We honestly feel we have the greatest friendship, such a connection and kind of like a sisterly bond. The withdrawls have only recently become semi-bad. Recently we have been trying to cut back to only weekends, but then those treasured school nights come about where we have nice cash in our pockets, my parents work late and i have the car i share with my 16 year old sister. By the time i have to come home, i always sneak back about to spend the rest of the too short school night with my boyfriend. I stay up all night sometimes, day/night dreaming of coke. I bite my nails to brim of them bleeding and i tare my mouth apart from the fiending for a numbie. I lick the bags clean, the blade, the mirror and whatever little scraps are left on my carpet or my floor and seats of my car.
By the time it wears off and about a pack of cigarettes later, the fiending goes away, in a way. Besides the minor 'cracked out' feeling i always feel, im the normal me again. I want to eat and i usally have a nice hardy meal the day after a huge faded night. Its my life, i like it sometimes, love it others and hate it too.
Well i guess for the basics now. I have a good tolerence level believe it or not. I get high for a good half hour, line after line, i still get high, but the high doesnt last as long. Nothing is like the very first line, doesnt matter the size, it always hits me with a needed high. The quality of the coke affects my high as well. I sometimes get real talkie and lovey dovey (my boyfriend loves that time), we have the greatest talks all high on the blow. Sometimes i get sad and dread the upcoming days. Other times i hate the fact that i use all my spending money for coke and gas money to get down to dude's house. The rest of my money goes to cigarettes and ocassional lunch/dinner dates with my friends. My nose hurts sometimes for days after coke; i can actually feel the cartalidge wearing away. Sometimes i get nose bleeds but once again, it depends on the purity of the coke. Most people say one negative about coke is the drip, surprisingly enough, i love it, i love the numbing feeling and how great it tastes. I even love the smell.
I know soon ill have to cut back, i have been accepted to a good college and plan to leave this upcoming fall of '03. Its in a different state, a different life again. But i believe deep down, it will never change, never go away. Ill always love coke and find some way to get some, wehter its broadening my hook up or relying on my guy who will soon live 2 states away. I really only believe that someday i will end it for good, definitly when I have children. I do my best not to let it affect my school work or my relationship with my parents. Once i started smoking pot, me and my sister drifted because she is a complete straight edge, straight A student who looks down on us users. I want her to enter this worlf if only to try it. Once in a fight with my parents, they announced they found a razor blade in one of my coat pockets, i made up some stupid excuse, and my mom dropped it, but my dad told me later he wasnt stupid, meaning he was on to me in a way. I was upfront (kind of a hypocritical statement but oh well), telling him I have tried it but am not into it, the lie of the century. I think they know and just dont want to believe it.
My sister, obviously doesnt know the signs of a coke addiction to really know or believe it. Our family has been through bankruptsy so i think the only thing that bothers them is the phase ill go through where i will have absolutly no money from a recent paycheck or something. (I do have a savings account thats safe and never been dipped into, i hope it never gets that bad.) In conclusion, cocaine is my drug of choice. I feel ecstacy was my gateway drug to the drug world; i feel coke is my final and long lasting/never ending journey. I was a huge pothead for year and still love those trees, but I love coke more and dont even find myself wanting a bag of pot, only a bag of coke.
For a final warning, some withdrawls are bad, not really pyschically, but mentally, my boyfriend gets real depressed and feels incredibly down. He gets real cranky and i have to tell him to snap out of it. Sometimes he just needs to remeber that its all in our heads. Hell, its an addiction. Well, the high is great, the come down is semi-reasonable, but the money situation, in a nut shell, it really does burn a whole in your pocket, if not rapidly but eventually, but for the time being i think it is worth it, to an extent of course. This story is incredibly long, obviously from the lingering affects of the cocaine i did 20 minutes ago. In conclusion, I believe in dont judge something before you try it, so hell, if you want to, try coke, if you dont thats straight too. But for some of you real addictive personality people, be careful. Its a 'friend' that will latch on and create a new you.
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