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Six Months of Depression
by Katie
Citation:   Katie. "Six Months of Depression: An Experience with MDMA (exp21690)". Feb 28, 2003.

T+ 0:00
1 tablet oral MDMA (pill / tablet)
  T+ 4:00 1 tablet oral Pharms - Paroxetine (pill / tablet)


Took one pill one evening around 7.

I felt fine, was with a good friend, had been looking forward to the experience. I was at home and felt comfortable. It took about 45 minutes to come on and then seemed very mild. Had a pleasant evening, some insights, some very good feelings.

We took some Paxil about 4 hours after the ecstasy.

We tried and tried starting around 12 or 1 but could not get to sleep that night. My friend and i were up all night long staring at the ceiling experiencing mild visual hallucinations - flashes of light - and wishing we could sleep.

About 3-4 am I started feeling depressed and obsessing about my perceived personality flaws. This got progressively worse until I had to tell my friend why I was crying around 8 or 9 that morning. My friend has had no negative side effects.

I don't now remember much of that next week but I was profoundly depressed. I called a friend telling him i wanted to kill myself. I could not get out of bed for three days ... I had to call in sick to work half the week. I wished I were dead and the only thing keeping me alive was the idea that this was ecstasy-related and it might get better. I was so afraid that I would kill myself that on tuesday I called my doctor and she told me to hang in there, it was definitely from the ecstasy and it might last a few weeks and if it got worse to go to the ER.

I found a psychiatrist on the internet and called her and told her what happened, she made an appointment for a few days later and told me she'd seen the same thing with other people.

I thought a few weeks was such a long time but I wasn't significantly better for three months -- only then did I start feeling like myself.

The Wednesday after I took the e, I bought and then took 5-HTP for over a month (and some b-vitamin related thing that is supposed to be good with it) and ate a lot of things like turkey but they were of no help.

I could go to work and function after the first week but I would go out to my car and cry several times a day, for almost three months. I was so sure I was a horrible person and everyone was looking at me and thinking how awful and ugly I was. I told another friend everything and she tried to reassure me and it was somewhat helpful, but I was so convinced how horrible I was it was confusing to me -- this person i trusted said I wasn't, but I was so sure I was!

I went to therapy for six weeks after this and it helped a little. I did not get on antidepresssants, I don't know why, I think my mind wasn't working properly for a long time.

After three months things improved but I am still mildly depressed, sad, hopeless, and full of doubts. I still have symptoms of OCD and obsessive thinking, which I NEVER had before. I have finally gotten some antidepressants and will start taking them -- I hope they help.

Things have definitely improved but I am not the same happy, confident person I was before I took the ecstasy. I have a lot of depression and anxiety. I will never do it again or any other drug I haven't tried before.

Exp Year: 2002ExpID: 21690
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Feb 28, 2003Views: 12,341
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MDMA (3), Pharms - Paroxetine (148) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Post Trip Problems (8), Depression (15), Health Problems (27), Bad Trips (6), Difficult Experiences (5)

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