Citation: White Bastard. "The Pain: An Experience with Cocaine (exp22136)". Erowid.org. Mar 10, 2020. erowid.org/exp/22136
I started to use cocaine to lose weight. I weighed about 190 pounds. For a girl, that is pretty fat! I was sick of trying to exercise and I wanted to lose the weight fast. A family member of mine bought me my first $20 dollars worth. I was scared at first because I had heard stories about people dying on their first try. I did a bump and felt awesome!! It lasted for about fifteen minutes before I had to do it again.
I moved out of my home and moved in with the same member of my family. ( I'll call the person Mike.) Mike bought for me and I did the coke with him. Soon we started to hang out with the dealer and the dealer wanted me so bad! I had lost 30 pounds by this time, and I was doing 7 1/2 grams every week. I started to date my dealer and he didn't want me doing it anymore because he was afraid that I would start stealing from him.
Of course I stole from him! Whenever he got drunk, he would come over to my apartment and pass out on my bed. Mike and I would go through his pockets and take all of his little bags. One night we stole about $300 dollars worth. I told the dealer that he had lost it at the night club he was at.
Soon we broke up, Mike started stealing from me, and I moved back home. I kept up my coke habit, until I overdosed. Me and my friend were hanging out at her house. I busted out a bag worth about $20 dollars. I dumped all the coke out on her table and made up one giant line. I snorted the whole thing in two snorts. I felt good at first and really happy because I had such a great high!
Then the room started spinning, I got tunnel vision, and my heart started racing. I couldn't breathe and sweat poured out of my body. My friend freaked out and took me to an emergency room. I didn't want to go in because I was the 'good' girl. If anyone found out about me and my habit, I would not have a life anymore.
My friend called someone else for help, and he brought me weed and milk. I drank the milk and smoked a quarter bag of weed. I was so happy that I didn't die.
The result of all that was ongoing panic attacks. I stopped doing coke for 6 months, and almost everyday I have a panic attack. I hate it!
But that is not the end of my story....
The Pain 2:
Now I live with a new boyfriend who takes really good care of me. Unfortunately he loves coke as much as I did. I stayed away from it while he snorted on the weekends. I was so scared of dying.
Soon enough, I started again. This was only because I had gained back all the weight I had lost and then some. I was up to 200 pounds when I started again.
After two months of doing it again, I lost 50 pounds. I was happy again!
Then the pain started all over again. My sinuses hurt. It seemed like there was a fire in them, and I could do nothing to take the pain away. My nosebled constantly. I couldn't breathe at night because my nostrils were so congested. All I could think about was that I would do a line in the morning to take away the pain. My throat was raw and burned all the time. I blew my nose so much that the lining in my nose started to peel off. But at least I wasn't fat, right? Was all of this worth it?
I saw the love of my life falling into addiction like me. I hated to see him like that. He was in more pain than I was because he did bigger lines than I did. I would give anything to see him quit, but I would not quit. We were going through 7 1/2 grams every four days. We did not worry about money at all, but only where the dealers were going to be. Our life sucked. We had no sex life, we argued, and barely talked to one another.
We did not worry about money at all, but only where the dealers were going to be. Our life sucked. We had no sex life, we argued, and barely talked to one another.
I refused to lose him to cocaine. So we would say we would quit every other day. But we always ended up snorting. We couldn't stop. The pain got so bad that we would pass out from it. This is how we would fall asleep. We don't even hang out with our friends anymore because we can't stand to be around other people.
We said last night that we were going to quit again. Nothing worked to stop the pain. I hope we can quit for awhile...Hopefully we'll quit forever.
Well, it is 10 in the morning, and I need to go and do another line to make my nose stop hurting. It is not even fun anymore. My boyfriend just passed out, and is not going to work today.
We can quit tomorrow...
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