Citation: Servus. "My Gift and My Curse: An Experience with Amphetamines (Adderall) (exp22166)". Erowid.org. Mar 25, 2006. erowid.org/exp/22166
I felt it like I needed to write this about the one drug that once it had its hold on me, has been very hard to shake. About two years ago, I went through a very hard time in life. I had to move in with a relative due to me and my parents not getting along. Doing so might have been my biggest mistake. That relative was perscribed Dextroamphetamine Sulfate for ADHD. Prior to this this time, I was very new to the world of speed. I had done meth a few times, and even some cocaine. That relative knew that I liked speed, so they started to give me their medicine instead of taking it. 40mg of Dextroamphetamine Sulfate a day on the days when I got all four of the pills that person took. At the time, I would snort them, that person had two brand names they took, DextroStat and Dexedrine Spansules. At first I would only snort the DextroStat, since it was in tablet form. At first this was fun for me, I would go into the bathroom at any given time and snort one or two 10mg Dextrostat pills. I would come out feeling alive. This was something I planned to hang on to... or so I thought ...
Well, all good things must come to an end. And so did my receiving the pills. I had moved out. At the time, I was at an age where I didn't understand addiction fully. I hadn't really expierenced it, or withdraws or any of the like. So after the free speed stopped, I had to do something. Where I had moved to, was out in the middle of nowhere, no teenagers my age at the time, nothing. Unfortunately that also meant no speed.
I was diagnosed with ADD when I was around 10, took ritalin off and on untill the 6th grade when I got so sick of the way it made me feel that I basically refused to take the pills (60mg a day of that stuff at age 10...) Remembering I had an evaluation done around that time, so I made a doctors appointment. When I went, I asked for something to help with my 'ADD' and eventually I got perscribed Dexedrine. Well by this time, people were kind of catching onto me. My pills were monitored, etc. The dose was only 5mg a day, which wasnt much at all.
A few months later, I went downhill more. I got taken away from my family all together due to by inability to obey my parents, or get along with them. When I left, the pills went with me and at the time, thats all that mattered.
A different doctor provided by the state perscribed me Dexedrine, only he said the dose I was taking wasnt near enough to do anything for someone my age/weight. So he adjusted my dosage, I was now perscribed Dexedrine Spansules 15mg to be taken twice daily. Very bad move on the doctors part, I figured 'his mistake is my gain' right? If only I knew how wrong I was then.
My pattern of abuse of my little pills continued for about 8 months. To the point where I would take 120mg (8 of my pills), by opening the capsules, and dumping the time released 'balls' of medicine in my mouth, followed by a quick swig of something to drink. I was taking 8 just to feel right. I saw myself sinking...deeper into this hole. I wondered when I was going to get out, and at times, if I did get out of this drugs grasp, was it going to be in a coffin?
Soon thereafter everyone started to catch on. They knew I had to be abusing the medicine, I wasnt eating, I was wired cosntantly, I was starting to isolate myself from everyone and everything. Everything but my dexamphetamine. Well eventually, I was caught, I was asked to give them my bottle, as there were 18 missing from it. Immediately (not wanting the doctor, or the *drug* counselors at the time find out I was abusing it, along with my probation officer) I decided that most I would admit to was selling them for extra money. I was not going to admit to abuse, in my mind, if I did, I may never see a bottle of the little capsules that had hold of my soul with my name on it again.
I surrendered the perscription, stating I didnt even want to take it anymore (yes, I would do anything to prevent tarnishing the relationship I had with amphetamines). So I started buying large (20 or so) ammounts of ritalin and Adderall at school. Which only progressed my problem.
Finally the nightmare seemed half over, as my life got back on track. I was back with my family, trying to start over (let it be said some pretty traumatic stuff went on during the later time period). I come up with the genious idea to goto the doctor, by that time, I had gained love and hate for ritalin. So when I received it, I didnt aruge. Ritalin was alot less of a habit for me, after a while it was making me irratable, aggravated, etc. So eventually, it came time to say goodbye.
Which leads me to this point. I had my gift and my curse given back to me. Only with a new look this time. It was in the form of name brand Adderall. Only this time, I was scared of my old friend. I knew her powers, so I took that as directed. After four days of taking as directed, I tried to go one day without taking it. I was depressed, nothing was of interest, i was tired, anti-social and just plain bumming. Untill I swallowed two pills, and with the feel of the pills going down my throat, I felt instantly better. She had made her presence known, and I could not beat her.
Now as I sit here, still awake from yesterday morning. My face is kind of sunken, my stomach hurts, I couldnt sleep if I was chloroformed, and my head hurts. I've expierienced and still do dry skin, other skin crap, that I'm almost sure is compliments of amphetamines. I didnt take anymore Adderall after earlier, hoping that I could sleep tonight. As I sit thinking about it, I wonder if the good times are worth the way things are now. I wonder if something I loved so much, still love, but fear, was worth finding ever. There is nothing I can do now, its been two years of off and on. I have noticed some long term effects.
If I could go back, knowing what I know now, I would have run. I would have never walked the thin line of life and death, light and dark, sadness and happiness. The line that keeps me so in tune with it, and can actually be enjoyable is the same line that cuts like a knife. The ride that amphetamine takes me on, might be a ride I can't get off.
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