Citation: Zetscho. "My Intended Addiction: An Experience with Amphetamines (exp22781)". Erowid.org. Jun 25, 2007. erowid.org/exp/22781
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When I was 15 (I'm 25 now) I started to smoke pot. I was astonished of its psychedelic potentials and became curios to know more about it. So I found a book in my father's cupboad 'Chemistry of Psyche' (he is a chemist) and I read it. After I read it, I decided to try every kind of drug, and I proposed to do this in kind of a scientific experimental way. Over the years I had different periods whith one drug as the 'main'-drug. Experimental would mean not more than three experiences per drug or so. Fortunately I was quite aware of the risks by reading lots of stuff about drugs. That preserved me from going much too far. Just with one drug I went at least a little bit too far...
There have been some drugs I tried out that I never really liked, like Coke or MDMA. I searched for an opening of the mind to discover new thoughts and feelings that last beyond the rush. I searched self-improvement not distruction. Coke didn't have any inspiring moments (the thrill is to follow a primitive greed) and after MDMA I feel just the opposite of the rush and it rapidly makes me stupid! My favorite drugs are LSD, mushrooms and alike, and also - yes, speed!
The first times I took it I loved it. Believe it or not, for me it was psychedelic. I never had such a great awareness! I was sensible like on acid but I could still think straight. Even more straight than sober, more functional and efficiently. As I was always engaged in psychology, shamanism and stuff, my thoughts were about such matters. I really could free myself from some little mental traps.
The first years of my drug use (17 - 21 years old) I didn't do lots of speed. Drugs are very social and nobody really liked speed except me. We were on acid, lots of mushrooms and also coke, which is a drug were I can't easily say no if it's offered to me for free ;-)
Then there was a phase of my life (21 - 24) where I started to organize little psy-trance parties, as I loved this music more than any drug and I wanted to deejay in public not always in my living room. So a friend and me started to do so. By doing it we entered into a new scene with new people and many of them were doing speed on a regular basis. It seemed to be the engine of the three or more days lasting parties. So it became easy to get speed, it was incredibly cheap, easy to get in good quality (as it was cheap) and of course I always had an excuse for my need for speed: I must stay awake to fulfil my duty of organizing.
What I liked about speed in particular was that it gets me down quite smoothly. I had hard crashes at the end of the weekend but that was only when I did too much. By the time of that parties I mostly did it because of its capality to hold me wide awake.
Then I made the great mistake to chum with one guy I only knew from parties and drug-use. I wont go into detail here but after 8 months of flat share and intensive use of mainly alcohol and LSD, I found myself in a situation where I had to pay rent and additional costs for two flats at a time and unfortunately we crashed with the organisation of one party so I had to pay 2500 DM cash in a few weeks.
Now that was the point where I decided to change my life. I found a place to study, 900km away from Hamburg and I just had to finish my business here which basicly ment to earn enough money also for the long-distance removal. So I decided to become a speed-addict for a period and started to work on four different jobs at a time. I managed that with doing speed everyday for about three and a half months. I worked as a stage-hand and a barkeeper at night and as a waiter and kitchen-aid at day. I slept only two or three hours per day. Once I was 84 hours working with only three half hour rests. But I knew that this part of life, this addiction will be over as soon as I'm in the new town and I had this inexplicable feeling that I need such a mess to go through.
I was a little bit scared if I really would be able to stop doing speed after that period because I realized how the addiction became more and more urgent. I had to increase the dosage to maintain my powers. And I also started to use it more and more often excessively. Line after line walking around like a zombie from dance-floor to bathroom and back (The very few free evenings I had I didn't sleep, I partied, because the thought of sleep made me nervous). Once, at an open-air festival, I did over 4 grams, one paper of acid and loads of jaegermeister and beer in 24 hours. I couldn't sleep till wednesday, feeling sick (puked though I haven't had eaten for days, I couldn't even hold water in) and restless, and were scared of every sound from my neighbors as to go out of my appartment. When I didn't have speed (on my very few day-offs) everything faded to grey and I felt so shitty that I just hang around at home, drinking vodka, watching pornos, reading charles bukowski and became so sorry for myself that in a very pervert way I was proud of my 'carthasis'.
At thursdays and sundays I went to my common psy-trance club where I knew that my dealer (didn't even know his name, he was ten years or so older and kind of a speed wreck) was there to equip me with my 'engine'. I snorted away one gram at the party and took one - later two - with me to achieve my everyday-life! At the end of that period even my hair started to get loss which gave me the creeps.
Well, I made it. I got the money, moved to southern Germany and now I am studying decently. My brain seems to function well, my hair regrowed (fortunately) and in the meantime my heart has won back its ability to feel, as does my libido to... ;-)
But over that one year following this enduring intoxication was horrible. I didn't feel anything, drank alcohol like crazy to fill up the blankness inside me (sometimes one bottle of whiskey alone). I was morbidly bored. I hated everybody and everything. Sometimes my inner-voice was just bitching about anything for an hour while I'm cleaning my kitchen or so. But that's all gone now. I've let a doctor check me and except from an lightly overstrung stomach and some teeth-problems I seem to be ok. I have found a very nice girlfriend and new good sober friends, I'm reading a lot again and my creativity I had before I used drugs comes back slowly. But though I don't regret a thing because I really think I needed this experience of a crashed life to get rid not only of hard drugs but also of an aimless me.
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