Citation: wombat17s. "Overwhelmingly Majestic Nature of Life: An Experience with Ecstasy (exp2311)". Erowid.org. Feb 15, 2001. erowid.org/exp/2311
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You've probably read it a billion times but I am here once again to tell another 'XTC Saved My Life' first roll story. Growing up, I always had a very negative persona of my life. I always looked at myself and asked, 'Why does my life suck?? I always wanted to be someone else but I never did anything about it. I never focused on the positive because I could never escape the negative mind traps I had known my whole life. For as long as I could remember, I hated the way I looked. In 7th grade, I decided that I was fat and so I stopped eating. I became incredibly anorexic and lost 30 pounds. I would have nervous breakdowns and the more weight I lost, the more I hated my life and myself. I didn't know what was real because in my head, I had myself convinced that everyone hated me and that I was ugly and because I thought like that, I was.
My parents put me on antidepressants (Prozac and Zoloft) and they didn't make me see anything different about me. They never made me want to change the way I saw myself. Instead, the drugs made me feel ok enough to eat and then they would wear off and I would feel even worse because I had eaten. It did end my battle with anorexia but I only became more depressed and more apathetic to the depression.
I was a very anti person at the time. I had a hard time relating to people because I had never had much experience with other people. People wrote me off early on as antisocial so I never had many friends and didn't think I would ever be any different. I changed a lot in high school. It wasn't exactly the most pleasant times but I did become much more social as time went bye. However, until X came along, I still lived my life apart from all the 'normal' people because I thought for some reason that I was different and 'more mature'. Then my prom came around. I didn't go to prom because I was still anti to a degree and I thought I was better then everyone. A bunch of girls asked me to go with them and I turned them all down. I did go to the after party where all my closest friends were. I decided that it would be the perfect time to roll for the first time.
I had had no experience with any drugs at this time. I had researched the drug a bunch and been to a couple raves so I had seen its effects. I took a half a double stacked pill with the logo 'Y2K' around midnight on the way up to the cabin the party was at. I had fasted the whole day. It took about 30 min to kick in and it came on strong as soon as I entered the place. I don't think I will ever feel that good in my whole life. It was the most incredible feeling I'd ever felt. Inside, the person I'd always wanted to be had come to life and I wasn't about to forget it. I looked in the mirror and I didn't see ugliness in my inadequacies. Instead, I saw the most beautiful person I'd ever seen. I felt so beautiful and unique and alive. I looked around at all the people I'd been to school with for 3 years and I saw deep beauty in each of them. They were all different but beautiful in their own ways. I felt overwhelming peace and unity and love for everyone.
I went around the room hugging everyone and to see how people really felt about me evoked an unforgettable improvement in my self-confidence. I kissed a couple girls on the check simply because it felt good. I felt no lust but instead I was in a state of awe of the beauty I saw in all of the girls. Girls seemed so incredibly amazing and majestic and gorgeous. I felt so suave and I felt no nervousness around girls that provoked strong intimidation in me before. (I get really intimidated and awkward when I really fall for a girl) I was exactly who Id always wanted to be. I had to meet people. I went outside and walked over to some other parties. I felt completely myself around people id never met. Even with no friends around me, I felt the same way. For me, this was a miracle.
I peaked for nearly 2-3 hours. I rolled my nuts off and then it was just kind of like hey, I'm not messed up anymore. I had intense afterglow and a passion for life and love and people. I stayed up all night still parting like I was rolling. I felt so reinvented and everything Id experienced meant so much to me. As soon as I came down, I promised myself Id never let myself live with my former state of mind. For the first time, I felt like life was in my grasp and it was mine to control. I stopped asking, 'why isn't life like that for me?' and started asking, 'what can I do to live how I want to live'. Two days later, I walked around school hugging and kissing people and I must have met a billion people. It was great. I passed out all the candy that was left from the party and had the best day at school.
Since then, I've rolled on one other occasion at a rave and it was another incredible experience that I wont forget. I didn't stay up like I wanted to. I still get down sometimes but that's standard. I still live my life with a much more positive outlook and I'm much more social then I've ever been. I'm happy with who I am and I enjoy being around people because I feel I truly am beautiful and something to be cherished. Instead of putting up with the life Id created, I changed it. Instead of criticizing the 'normal' people, I realized that they are all different and unique and no one is really 'normal'.
I feel much more alive. Life is beauty. XTC to me was the push I needed to see the reality of life. Unlike other drugs, X didn't take me to an altered reality. Instead, it allows me to see reality and escape the altered reality that too many of us have created for ourselves. It allowed me to see how people will react to who I really am. It blows my mind that the drug is illegal. The side effect are miniscule compared to some other prescription drugs. And if (and that's a big IF) X causes permanent serotonin receptor cell damage, its worth the peace of mind. Let my story be a testament in favor of legalizing the drug. I hope that the drug is legalized in my lifetime. I hope that my generation actually takes the time to consider what freedom really is instead of selling out to tradition. 3 years of prescription antidepressants could have been solved with one tab and a group of acquaintances and friends.
I plan on using the drug throughout my life in moderation. I want every roll to be memorable and so I have this rule that I must wait at least a month between rolls. Also, the setting must be just right. I look forward to future rolling and plan on rolling with whomever I marry. I don't feel like I need the drug. If I had to stop right now and never touch it again, Id be perfectly happy but, why would I want to do that? That's my story! I'm sorry it was long but it means so much to me. Ill try and correct all the grammar and spelling but it won't be perfect since I can't exactly have my mom read over it. Peaceful rolling and I love all of you!!!
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