Citation: K-Chop. "A Trigger: An Experience with LSD (exp23359)". Erowid.org. Mar 17, 2006. erowid.org/exp/23359
||(blotter / tab)
My best friend & I had been playing in a band together for years & one day he suggested that we take some LSD. The plan was that we would do this in our studio & record our 'new found creativity.' I was in my 20's and had not so much as smoked a joint before, but I was all for anything that would 'promote creativity.' Here's what I didn't know: that bipolar disorder & schitzophrenia are part of my family's medical history (my parents moved away from their families before I was born, and therefore, I grew up not knowing many relatives).
So we got up on Saturday morning, drank a cup of coffee & each ate 2 blotter hits. Since my friend had tripped before, he was telling me how cool it was going to be...and tried to keep me in a happy positive mind-set. After about 45 minutes, I had what I can only descibe as 'perma-grin' -- I couldn't stop smiling! We hooked up our gear & started recording our jam-session. Hours passed in an instant and all was flowery, happy, giggling & some mellow hallucination. We networked our computers & played 'Quake' for a while (who knows how long) & I felt like I was IN the video game.
At this point I was not panicked at all and was having so much fun that I wondered why I hadn't done this before? After about 4 or 5 hours, I went into the bathroom to pee. I didn't turn on the lights, so the room was dimly lit, and when I washed up, I looked into the mirror -- honesly don't remember what I saw, but a huge wave of guilt washed over me and I sat down on the floor and started worrying that I had somehow ruined my brain, and was never coming back. When I finally emerged from the bathroom, my friend was outside having a cigarette. He was happy & fine. I poked my head out of the door & whispered to him that I had messed up my life. Although there's no neighbors around for miles, I thought someone would hear me. I kept asking him when the trip would end. After a few hours of paranoia, I still wondered when it would end. My friend said it was already over, and pointed out that it was dark outside. I tried to go to sleep but I was in such a state of anxiety, that I didn't sleep all night. I was sure I had fucked up my life.
The days that followed were the most horrible ones of my life. I wanted to commit suicide just to get out of my own skin. The thought of my mom & brothers missing me was the only thing stopping me. Finally, on the fourth day, I went to my mom's & told her everything. And she told me everything...about bipolar disorder & schizophrenia, and how LSD could have triggered something that I already had going on in my brain.
Well, after a few more days of pure panic, no sleep, difficulty breathing, not eating, 2 doctors that said I was fine, I found a doctor that explained to me how the LSD could trigger this 'genetic fortune' that I didn't even know I had. In the following months, I endured a deep depression, and began a course of the anti-depressant Zoloft. When I started feeling better (approx 3 months later), I flipped into a manic phase that took me higher than I had ever been. My Doc put me on lithium right away. Since then, I have had mild ups & downs, unless I stop taking my meds, in which case I can descend into the dark depths of depression or rise to the euphoric heights of mania -- which is fun, but only for a while because paranoia soon follows, and inevitably the depression.
I guess my point is that although my friend took the LSD and was fine, it triggered the bipolar disorder to which I was genetically predisposed. I learned a lot in the years that followed and when my younger brother told me he was considering taking mushrooms, I told him everything that had happened to me & advised him to stay away.....of course, if he's bipolar, it will eventually surface on its own, but why take that chance? Seven years have passed....I'm now in my 30's, very stable, and still taking my meds, and otherwise living a 'normal' life. It took a long time (and a lot of guilt) before I believed that it wasn't the LSD that gave me bipolar disorder....that it likely would've surfaced on its own. I'm not trying to spread an 'anti-drug' message here, but just suggesting that a little research into the family history might be a good idea.
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