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Smoking and Thinking of Ways to Get More
Citation:   sbrawsm. "Smoking and Thinking of Ways to Get More: An Experience with Crack (exp23375)". Dec 13, 2019.

    Crack (daily)
Consumed by Crack

I have to start out saying that I had stopped using cocaine and freebase when I was in my mid-twenties. Twelve years had passed and I stayed clean. I had stopped for a good reason; I was afraid I had lost control. I had. Once I got clean, the pieces of my life came together and things were pretty good.

In those 12 years, I started a small business. I got married and we bought a nice house. Unfortunately, my ex-husband and I grew apart from each other and we divorced. I found myself at a vulnerable period in my life again. I was overwhelmed with fear and self-doubt.

One very difficult day, a customer of mine told me she had some crack. I figured I had nothing to lose and THIS TIME, I would stay in control. I was full of energy. I was having fun and I felt like I was in my twenties again. I started out promising myself that I would only do this once in awhile, then once a week. Soon I was promising myself that I would NOT smoke two days out of the week. I was never able to keep the promises I made to myself.

It happened so fast. I got deep into debt. I would stay up for three days smoking continuously because coming down was so horrible. When I did sleep, I would wake up and barely be able to function until I could get MORE crack.

I made promises to myself to stop and sometimes I could make it a week, but eventually the cravings would get so powerful. There seemed to be no way out. I figured I would just die from it one day and I really wanted to. It is such a consuming drug. It never was fun beyond the first hit. The rest of the time was spent doing more and trying to find ways to get more..More...MORE!!!!

Crack addiction is just this...smoking and thinking of ways to get more. I don't even enjoy it when I'm doing it because I know I will need more.
Crack addiction is just this...smoking and thinking of ways to get more. I don't even enjoy it when I'm doing it because I know I will need more.

One day while I was crawling on the ground, looking to see if I had dropped any, I swear I heard a voice in my head that said, 'life doesn't have to be this hard'. I knew it was true. I just didn't know how to get back there.

I asked for help. I asked my clean friends to help me because I was too sick to help myself. I gave up my car keys, locked myself in the house and allowed myself to have no money. I still found ways to get the stuff. Dealers do deliver and when there is a will, there is a way.

I went into an outpatient program and that helped somewhat. To be honest, what helped me most was having some clean time and starting to feel better. I relapsed four times and each time, it was hell when I came down. It was hell trying to think again after each time. With each clean day, I had learned that the cravings get weaker. Everytime I relapsed, the cravings came back stronger than ever and I hated to have to fight them off again.

Crack addiction is pure hell. I don't know ANY people besides myself that have managed to stay clean. Even at those NA meetings, the crack addicts are in and out all the time.

It's hell and I never want to go back there. I honestly never thought I could crawl out of that hole. There was a time when one day clean seemed impossible. It may not be much, but any crack addict will tell you that four months clean is a miracle. (Thats what I have now.)

Exp Year: 2002ExpID: 23375
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Dec 13, 2019Views: 1,619
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Crack (82) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Addiction & Habituation (10), Not Applicable (38)

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