Citation: jean. "Visits Home To Myself: An Experience with LSD (exp24362)". Erowid.org. Jun 9, 2003. erowid.org/exp/24362
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i'm thinking back 33 years. i was 25 then, graduated from college and married to a graduate student in political science. the acid was made by a grad student in chemistry in ann arbor. we knew and trusted the source. my husband took it a couple of times and eventually i decided to try it. i'd thought about it and it was a genuine decision. i think all of that was important. there was no second guessing the decision or fears about what was in that tab.
i took it early in the evening. i sat on the couch and waited. not long. i felt a physical sensation like going up in a fast elevator. i remember wondering if this was part of the chemical effect or my way experiencing the words 'getting high.' i also remember paying attention as best i could to the process of it taking effect and remember a clear realization that this was a great power and that if i fought it, i'd lose. no contest. so it was a reaffirmation of my decision to go with it no matter what cause the time to consider was over.
my husband sat down in the chair across from me. flames outlined his body. i wondered if that was his aura. seemed to fit him.
the 'visuals' of this trip were amazing to me and vivid. for example: i was sitting, looking at the formica top of the kitchen table. really i was seeing a landscape with bones protruding from the ground beneath the trees. in the distance a woman beckoned and i followed, walking beneath a tree in which two people sat on a branch talking. i followed this wraith-like, raggedy lady for awhile. eventually she stopped at the mouth of a dark cave and turned to wave me forward. i stopped. no. the entire place vanished leaving the table top as before.
the term 'visuals' doesn't capture the sense of being there that i had with much of what i saw. most of the visuals, and there were many, had that quality of actually being there.
but i would not say that the hallucinations were the most remarkable aspect of the trip for me. in fact i would have to say that they were negligible in comparison to the profound sense, the absolute conviction that i was okay. that i was enough. that i had a right to be here.
i had seen many things before. well, these were just other things i was seeing. i had been places before. well these were just new places. But never ever before in my whole life had i felt absolutely at ease and at home inside my own skin. it was a revelation. and it was the most astonishing vision of the whole trip.
at about 1am we walked out to buy a pack of cigarettes. the bar on the corner was open so in we went. in the time it took us to cross the threshold and walk 5 feet inside the entire place fell silent with everyone staring at us. my husband looked at me, but i just went forward and asked the bartender for a pack of camels and we left. we stood on the corner a moment wondering what that had been about when suddenly a patron of the place exited foot first. he'd kicked the door open, swearing and tore off down the street. the only thing we could ever come up with to explain this odd scenario is that the neighborhood we lived in was home to a lot of illegal aliens and perhaps this was their bar and we didn't belong.
but the interesting part to me is that this would have freaked me out in my normal condition and tripping it stayed exactly what it was. just a minor glitch. it was okay that i didn't know what they were thinking. it was okay that they assigned a meaning to us being there that was not accurate. it was okay. i was okay.
at dawn it was waning. i listened to the band do 'rockin' chair' and could hear all the layers. i cried. 'it's my belief we've used up all our time; this hill's too steep to climb and the days that remain ain't worth a dime...' broke my heart to come down. but nobody stays.
i went to bed after that. so sad... until the cartoon of two hilarious chickens started on the wall of the room. just like a parting gift. i laughed till i cried again -- then fell asleep.
i tripped a few times again after that. not many. every time it was a visit home to myself. to me without all the unnecessary social baggage of anxiety, guilt, shame, competition, comparison and rigid conformity. how well i lived without all that!
the other day one of my sons was listening to a terence mckenna tape. mckenna said that his life happened years ago in the amazon and that, in a sense, the time since has been throw-away. i feel that way a bit myself.
but not really. lsd taught me. gave me a glimpse. lsd showed me what was valuable and necessary and what was just baggage. showed me what i was dealing with and in what direction to head. i never got over that. i hope i never do.
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