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Spiritual Awakening
Cacti - T. pachanoi
by Luke
Citation:   Luke. "Spiritual Awakening: An Experience with Cacti - T. pachanoi (exp25862)". Erowid.org. Jan 2, 2004. erowid.org/exp/25862

 
DOSE:
  oral Cacti - T. pachanoi (liquid)
BODY WEIGHT: 100 kg
One of my friends lets call him Ben, came to me and two others, we'll call them Adam and Dennis, with the Idea that we could go tripping on Mescaline on the weekend. He knew where there was a fairly large St Pedros Cactus, growing at a house that was for sale and unoccupied. The three of us were experienced trippers, having tried acid, mushrooms and various other drugs, so we were all instantly keen to do it.

Friday afternoon Ben and I went to the house, we snapped off 2 6 foot arms of the cactus and took them back to my house for preparation. When it comes to drugs and how to use them effectively, Ben's a bit of a guru, so we trusted his method and boiled up and condensed all of the usable parts of the cactus, so that we each got about a 300ml bowl of cactus soup to drink, but we didnt know how strong it was going to be.

We waited for Dennis and Adam to finish work which meant that we started drinking at about midnight. It was a very bitter tasting soup. Ben explained that this was good because it meant it was a strong dose. Around twenty minutes after the first sip, I still felt pretty normal, but I noticed that the light levels in the room flashed like a faint strobe light and I asked everyone how they were feeling, Adam and Dennis said that they were really Nautious and feeling somewhat strange. By the time I had finished my dose, the other 3 guys had all vomitted, which Ben said was very normal, however I didn't vomit at all.

We decided that we would go for a walk up to Adams house and see what happened on the way, we brought a Camera with us so we could photograph the events of the night. As we walked up the road we broke off into 2 groups, me and Adam stayed back from Ben and Dennis. As Adam and I walked, I noticed first of all that Adams face looked bizzare, his eyes were black and hollow looking and his teeth had black between them giving him a vampiric look, I stopped him to get a closer look and his face stayed the same, this didn't faze either of us so we carried on walking. Next we saw some pink graffiti on the pavement and while looking at it the lines spread out to cover all of the ground in my peripheral vision as well which we thought was pretty cool. As we carried on walking the world everywhere I looked took on patterns of light dancing and melting together before my eyes, and my thoughts began to increase in speed so that before I could finish one thought an entirely new thought would come from nowhere and take its place.

We emerged in a park at the top of a hill that was dominated by a large water tank, and in the distance we could see a road that trailed away and was shrouded in a golden light we came together as a group and as we talked together we realised that alot of what we saw and thought was very similar, and it wasn't hard to express ideas to one another as if we already knew what the other was thinking. Eventually we carried on with our journey to Adams house and as we walked and talked I began to realise that I was tripping a bit harder than the others and Ben didn't appear to be tripping as much as Adam and Dennis. We began an experiment to see if we could focus our minds together and shape the world to see it in Black and white and we all confirmed that we were thinking the same thing, imagining in our minds together, Black and White, Black and White, then as one we experienced the colour fade from the world and become what we wanted it to be.

Eventually after a long journey which is to say a short journey also, we arrived at our destination, Adams house. we sat down for a while to relax and talk about how we were feeling, Adam and Dennis seemed to be off the wave for the moment and Ben felt disappointed that his trip was not nearly as strong as ours while I hadn't seemed to come off the wave at all yet. We made a few attempts to go and collect firewood and finally left the job up to ben who seemed far more capable of performing such a difficult task. As the flames rose in the fireplace I could hear the others in the distance talking about how amazing it was that we seemed to be truly tripping together at times feeling similar feelings and understanding the same concepts, at the same time I seemed to move into the fire knowing that my body was still comfortably on the couch still staring into the flames, and as I bathed myself in the flames I began to worry what my body might be doing and changed direction moving back to my body and eventually, I caught up with myself.

We then all sat around the Dining table having a few cones and talking about the concept that we were all connected and then sharing our thoughts and feelings in groups of 2 or sometimes all of us. As we began to peak again we understood that we could unify our thinking and make our trips flow into one using simple words to remind us to stay together on our trips as we journeyed into self discovery I became aware of a crucial point but time and again I would remember and forget its absolute importance. 'Guys!' I yelled, 'I know something and its really really really important that I tell you all but I can't hold onto it long enough to tell you but believe me we must follow this.' Everyone could sense the urgency of my thought, and sent me thoughts of encouragement motivating me to grasp the thought in my mind, then it came to me, that we are communicating without speaking! I felt waves of excitement as the feeling was collectively thrown at me by the other three.

I realised that for I'm not sure how long, we had been conversing while drifting between concious and unconcious thought. We all sensed the importance of the discovery and had to experiment with this new and wonderful ability. However the communion was taking over so much thoughts and feelings that it was too hard to concentrate on what was so important, 'what was so important?' I thought again, and as if the question was the answer it came to me again, so we began the first experiment, we all closed our eyes and I explained to everyone that I was going to clearly send ideas to only one other of the group, without speaking we all understood, I bent my thoughts towards Adam and felt all at once Dennis' disappointment and Bens annoyance as Adam thought into my mind we simultaniously stood up and embraced as we realised that for the first time we had spiritually connected and felt waves of indescribable joy as we understood the magnitude of what we were achieving.

As one me Dennis and Adam fell into the unity of each other, but more than that still we understood the holiness of our souls intertwining and penetrating each other. Inner peace washed over me and cleansed me of thoughts and desires of the physical realm, I realised how insignificant and selfish it truly is to want or need anything when to want for nothing is pure bliss in itself. As I moved further and further towards enlightenment I understood that we are one, all of us from the smallest creature to the greatest galaxies are part of the same immortal force of life. Life? maybe or it could be God, that we are god and god is us. Therefore life is God! God had never been part of my life or so I thought until now, as I realise it is more than faith that I have now its truth, undeniable and obvious truth, that Life loves us all, the great life force that we are all part of.

I feel myself being pulled back, being ripped away from the unity of all things and it pains my soul to feel myself solidifying again, into my body. I begin to hear distant sounds that become more and more familiar, thoughts of self begin to take over again and I despise them as I am imprisoned once again, something has changed in reality, How long has it been? Time has been inconcequential for so long that the question confuses me. Time? I begin to see light as the sounds become familiar voices and the light becomes shapes and then objects. Adams house, yes this is reality again. Adam tells me that we must leave we are being too loud and he has to sleep for work. I try to comprehend the importance of these things and remember what reality offers us again needs are coming back to us, I try to explain to Adam that we don't need anything anymore, after what we just experienced we should be reaching for that newly found goal. After a confusing moment, minute or something, I am finally told by all that we have to leave so I concede to their wishes, I can't do it alone so we leave.

On the Journey home many thoughts continue to run through my mind, I feel residual emotions and reminisce on the spectacular things that I have discovered, reveling in the bliss of finally discovering something profound. As we walk I notice that I'm falling behind the group again and Dennis wishes for me to catch up, in the same time Ben explains to me that this experience is mine and if I choose to be fast I can make this happen, however obvious that seems it felt like a new revelation, so I attempt it and as I walk faster I begin to see life in fast forward, I stop and things slow to an almost stand still. I like this Idea. As we continue to walk we see in the near distance two people crossing our path, fear strikes me, 'how are we supposed to react to other people?' I ask, 'we didn't think about that.' Perhaps I said that a bit too loud. They give us a strange look but carry on. Ben and I continue talking and he brings me to another realisation, that reality as it is, is all based on our need for survival. We need reality, it serves a purpose; while I understand the concept, it now seems such a strange fact and its still based on selfishness.

As we reach the house I feel that all too familiar feeling of being on the edge of discovery, and I begin to notice the power I have in reality, time stops in some places as it continues where I focus my attention. I feel that I've lost all my connection with people, in fact people have become less than real, more like hollow emotionless puppets, extentions of myself, my experience. Words lack substance and as the morning wears on this new perspective of real disturbs me. If I'm the one in control of this experience am I alone? Am I finally seeing this existence for what it really is? Just a stage for me to act out all of my selfish desires? The idea sickens me but I know it to be true. Time wears on at a snails pace. I think of my friends as just extentions of my personality, Dennis as my doubt of what I know is right, Ben as my Curiousity and synical side, Adam as my harmony with life.

It makes so much sense. I am alone in this, it's as if now that I have seen the truth, reality is just a blanket over my eyes. I must remove this blanket now, but how? what must I do to transcend this hollow world? This limbo between me and the truth. As if I've been asked the greatest question and time stands still waiting for my response. What must I do this is all so confusing. Does God want me to kill my physical self so as to wake up as my true self? I try to deny it but it all seems so selfish, I'm just making excuses to hide from what I know is true. I must move on to the next level, but I'm so afraid, what if I'm wrong? It's so confusing. God doesn't want that, but it feels so right, it's just reality holding me here. I must talk to Adam he'll know what to do.

I leave the house, trying to remember the way around my town, knowing that to remember is another way to drag myself back to reality, deep down I know this is futile but I'm buying time to decide. I feel my keys and wallet in my pocket, what pointless burdens to be carrying now, I think, so I discard them, they have no more meaning anyway. Physically I feel nothing no pain no pleasure I smoke a cigarette but it has no taste it doesn't satisfy me at all, I only feel this hollowness, and the only time it goes away is when I think about the tremendous task I must face and how good it will be when it's all over. I arrive at Adam's and wake him up, and just as I knew it to be, he was just like all the rest of them. I tell him about what I believe I must do, and as he laughs it off as a stupid idea I feel he is just a product of reality designed to make or break me, make me fight against reality more, or break me into a mindless ghost on earth stuck in limbo until the end of time. As if people are there to say the things that are already in my mind simply so I have a wall to bounce my ideas off of.

It makes no difference if I'm with people or alone physically, because I'm alone so long as I stay here. Just as I become frustrated and want a change of scenery Dennis pulls into the driveway with Ben, it's all fitting together so easily my experience. We all leave together Adam has work Ben wants to be dropped off too. I tell them that I want to drive, they don't like that Idea, of course that's too easy, I must fool them just as I fool myself. I can wait. I listen to music that I once enjoyed and feel ashamed that I ever liked it it's still the same music but it takes on a far more evil sound now that I'm awake, I think of all the things I wanted before, money, material things, Self-gratification, pride in myself, Confidence, the women I've pined for and lusted after, exacting my revenge on those who have crossed me. I can have all of these things now and feel no guilt or shame for this world is mine, it sickens me and I revel in it. But I don't want this world, I no longer want those things, I want to feel love, I want to care again. I know that I don't belong here anymore, I'm too good for this stage and these props, I belong with the all, the oneness, God, whatever the fuck it's called names mean shit, I know, thats all that matters.

Eventually we leave Ben and Adam and it's now just me and Dennis in the car, just as I want him to he asks where I want to go, and I tell him I want to drive, so I drive. Time stands still. the same thoughts run through my head over and over in a blur making me crazier with each looping idea, I can stop all of this you know, whenever I'm ready, but am I happy now? What am I waiting for? Nothing's going to change in time. Eventually we go back to our house and I see my opportunity. I open my door, slowly, making sure to be one step behind Dennis. He gets out and shuts the door then I slam my door and lock it. Central locking. I know that if I don't look at him dennis will do nothing, don't think about it just leave, just leave. I can't resist and so I look up at him, he seems confused but not particularly worried, I drive away. I'm alone for now, until my world conspires against me and finds a way to get me.

Well it's time to put my money where my mouth is, so I drive to the top of a steep hill to pick out my favourite power pole. I stop there and try to psyche myself into it imagining myself hitting the pole and drifting through as I leave my body. Ring ring, Dennis' cellphone laughs, I pick it up and talk to his bodyless voice. 'where are you bro?' he asks, 'don't worry I'm fine, I'll be back soon,' I say grinning at the Irony of it. I hang up. I worry that I might not finish the job properly and that would be disasterous, then nothing could stop the world from keeping me here. I remember the Knife we used to cut that Wonderful Cactus down was still in the car so I reach back, and laugh out loud at the empty Scabbard I see, it's so ironic, of course not, no that would be far too simple. The phone again, and the same conversation with Dennis, bye. This time I'll turn it off, no it won't do that so I pull off the battery. I decide it's got to be another way this isn't how I was intended to do it it no longer feels right.

So I drive home, I'm too weak to do this, I'm just a scared little child, and the hollowness in me grows. I draw the cars towards me as they come the other way but fear prevents even that. God Damn it why does this have to be so fucking hard? I know what I must do isn't that enough? Just take me! Laughter echoes in my mind and I drive back to my home.

Jason, no I was hoping no outsiders would be here but I can't have it my way this time.'Hi jason,' without a glance. Inside I succumb to my sorrow and curl up into a ball on the couch as the same thoughts run over in my head for eternity. I find myself alone again, and I turn to see the time five o'clock and the television attacks me with a barrage of metaphors for my dilemma. I need to have conviction for this to work, ok I'll make you a deal. At 11:30 you are going to get up and walk out of this house, you will walk to the cliffs overlooking the river, they're huge and the rocks below are hard, you will not stop walking until you're on the other side, you get it? Don't think just act and then everything will be fine. You'll forget all about this horribly wonderful day, and all of your problems will wash away. Peace will surround you and fill you until nothing of you remains, no longer a person will you be, but a spiritual essence joining with everything. This world, your reality will stop, as if it never was. I close myself off and commit myself to my destiny, allowing thoughts of peace to fill my mind and time moves on...

I wake up out of a shallow sleep to feel strangely normal, what a bizarre feeling, then I remember what I must do. I check my watch and its 11:40, I missed my deadline, what does this mean? I feel normal again, time moves normally, thoughts are clearer in my mind I'm aware of the world around me, I think the trip is over, but I'm not sure. I still feel a bit paranoid, and decide to wait out until midnight as if it might have some relevance. I watch television and it doesn't seem to be directed at me. Midnight comes and goes, and I go over the events of the trip in my mind. Did I just turn down the opportunity of ultimate awareness or do I have a new lease on life? I know that my perspective on life has changed and I'm definitely better for it, I'm glad that I didn't take my life for sure, but I can't help but feel disappointed in myself for not finding out for certain. I definately recommend this drug to anybody with an urge to unlock answers to life, but be careful what you wish for, those answers may come at a high price.

Exp Year: 2003ExpID: 25862
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jan 2, 2004Views: 18,543
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Cacti - T. pachanoi (64) : Mystical Experiences (9), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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