Citation: Danaan de Tuatha. "The Jealous Lover -- Analogy: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) & Cocaine (exp26155)". Erowid.org. Aug 17, 2003. erowid.org/exp/26155
It began so long ago that I don't really remember an alternative. No one in my nuclear family was a substance user/abuser and I never really witnessed any cycle of use as a child. I was blessed (not without a note of sarcasm but I do believe all strenghts are weaknesses in certain contexts and vice-versa) with an unyielding and uncompromising sense of curiosity with regard to substances. I tried LSD, pot and alcohol for the first time at the tender age of 11. I tried to become a smoker but never was the type to smoke alone. Thankfully, drugs were a novelty and not abundantly and consistently available throughout the early days of my exploration. So by the time I'd reached 16, I'd done it all but didn't consider myself dependent on anything. What I didn't realize was that even though I wasn't using something with a fervency that would be frightening I was fostering an addiction to 'alternative realities' (i.e. I was pursuing anything that was not sobriety with an unhealthy determination). Mostly, I think I was just curious and enjoyed the many different ways to manipulate my reality. I felt immune to the possibility of addiction because I'd tried everything but didn't feel the need to do anything with consistency.
Enough preamble... this casual relationship with every substance (save for heroin -- I nearly tried it but watched the poor shmuck ahead of me puke all over himself then declare it 'was not unpleasant' and I shouldn't be deterred. I decided I would give that a miss). In my second year of college I began a torrid love affair with Ecstacy. It felt casual at first because it's not as though taking more affects the trip. One pill was enough and I quickly realized two days in a row was pointless. The serotonin must replenish itself before you take another pill, if you want to achieve any type of empathogenic experience. I fell into a consistant every-other-weekend relationship with E that lasted 2 and 1/2 years. At some point, I became concerned that my short term memory and some of my cognitive agility were suffering. There were so many studies that purported to illustrate severe neurotoxicity resulting from use of E. I decided I should stop. I was, however, 'addicted' to the every-other-weekend extravaganza and I thought, after years of taxing the serotonin driven reward system, I would switch to a dopomine driven high. I started using Cocaine. Big mistake. This is like the most demanding, jealous and always alluring lover one could find herself entangled with. Scientifically I suppose it's essentially a half-life issue. There is no staying power so one is driven to maintain the high by consistently reintroducing the substance. Dopomine is also a more 1. resiliant reward system than serotonin (it replenishes itself more quickly) but 2. It is also a more immediate one. (Analogy -- Dopamine would be like an orgasm and serotonin would be the feeling of relaxation that comes after and can last for a day -- it's more subtle -- both are necessary) My point, and I do have one, is that when you're missing dopomine, life is really irritating. One is left with little or no patience and a general feeling of malaise. Nothing is exciting because the reward cache is empty.
My other point is that cocaine is a demanding and deceptive bitch. I've been struggling with this little coke habit (up to twice per week use; I've been off of it for 4 consecutive weeks twice in the last two years) Clearly there are some benefits but, at some point, the drug begins to take more than it gives. I am a second year law student and I have to come to terms with the sad fact that use of cocaine led to a disastrous semester, resulting in two Cs that meant I lost my full-tuition scholarship. For those late nights partying, talking about stupid shit to people I'll never see again, I will pay $30,000 to finish my education instead of $0.00. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a victim mentality. I made mistakes and I'll pay for them and get on with it. I don't have any help either (with funding, that is) so I'll graduate owing $100 K for the whole 9-year college experience. Ouch! Expensive. Ultimately, I dare say it's not worth the trade off. Yet, here I am at 6 AM, shaky and continuing with the cycle. I read in one clinical study that a rat, when given unlimited access to cocaine, will forego sex, food, sleep, etc. and will do cocaine until it dies.
It's not a casual lover. It's awfully proprietary. My advice? Give it a miss. Drugs can enhance your life but there is a fine line (not usually visible to the one stepping over it) that separates the give and take aspects of a relationship with the Devil's Dandruff. So crafty is it that it can and will take more than you thought possible and you will go back to compromise yourself again. And again. Ahhh. G'night. I'll be asleep by noon, hopefully!
Update: 7 Months Later
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