Citation: Triana. "Ultimate Compassion: An Experience with H.B. Woodrose (exp28700)". Erowid.org. Feb 12, 2007. erowid.org/exp/28700
Andrew and I drive to south west pennsylvania to go camping. We find a really nice shelter and I start scraping off the fuzzy outer layer of the seeds at about noon. I had fasted for over 24 hours before I ate the 10 seeds and then for some odd reason decided to eat some pretzels and a half a sandwich along with some orange juice right afterwards. About 20 minutes later I really regret eating and start to feel ill.
We start walking to the shelter to go hang out and lie down. I'm feeling worse and worse. For maybe about 45 minutes or so I try again and again unsuccesfully to throw up. I try smoking some pot to ease my stomach but just the look of it sickens me. After a while of laying down the nauseau passes and I discover that the best way for my body is crouched over on my knees with my head face down in a sort of bowing position.
I start having a hard time seeing becuase my pupils are HUGE so I just close my eyes and unconciously start singing/mumbling/chanting made up words. I can feel my heart speeding up along with my breathing in an expecting sort of way. I'm starting to see lots of different light patterns and images inside of my eyes.
I realize I have to pee so I get up with my eyes still closed and walk to the outhouse. It's only about 60 or 70 feet and as soon as I get in the light I'm blind and lightheaded. I start to feel really dizzy but just keep pushing on to the outhouse. I get in, pee, and when I open the door I'm so disorientated from the light and standing up I feel a blackout coming on. My legs turn rubbery and I crumble to the ground in the same position as before.
Andrew comes to the rescue and helps me walk some 30 feet before I crumble again. I'm finally back in the shelter where I stay crounched in my bowing position. I stay in this position for hours, rocking back and forth, singing and mumbling sounds/words while beautiful,patterns of eyes, hands, etc. All rotated and divided around a circle of light. Alot of the images have to do with India. I see a womens eyes with her face hidden behind a veil looking deeply into me. I see the god (Shiva?), the being with multiple arms flowing.
I thought about ultimate and everlasting compassion, forgivness. I felt sin and understood jesus and asked the earth the cleanse me. I felt shameful and unworthy and dirty thinking about my carelessness in everything from not cleaning the dishes as best as I could possibly do, to arguing with my parents when I was younger, to not spending enough time with my mother, to accidently pointing at a man as he walked by our shelter becuase I couldn't really make him out.
Balance. I understood so clearly how little we all relaly need in terms of food, clothing, material possesions, everything. I felt the importance of nutritious food. Organic, vegan, hot dishes prepared with love and care and time. I felt the weight of a chinese saying I read once that said when you eat your stomach should be half filled with food, a quarter with water, and a quater with air. I understood adam and eve and overcomsumption and how it will be the downfall of man. I felt suffering and understood to some degree how much of it there is and how much people inflict it upon themselves and onto others.
I don't understand it and yet I feel it. I thought about all the people that I care about and have come in contact with over the past couple of years. Those who have helped me along my lifes' travels and those who have misunderstood. I realized that its all meant to be and if an action or word seems negative it is the same as if it were positive.
I felt the need for change and thought about all the things I can do to help. I have no money really, but what I do have I want to give. I want to clean the dishes and the counters and vacuum and HELP. I want to make cards and mail them to unexpecting people. I want to thank everyone for being themselves. And I want to bow and thank the earth before I eat. I want to sit in my mothers arms and thank her for bearing me into this world. I want to worship my true mother, Earth, the one that knows me best, but let my human mother know that she is holy and deserves respect, love, understanding. I want to sit at my fathers feet and forgive him and be forgiven. And above all I want to strive for everlasting compassion for this is what must come first.
So before dark at probably around 6, andrew and I try to leave. I walk about 10 feet before I feel the blackness and rush back to the shelter. About 2 hours later I try standing up again and think I can make the half mile walk to the car in the rain. We get to the car and sit curled up under a blanket listening to the most wonderful music and meditating. It's making such wonderful reactions inside my body and I rediscover my love for it.
We get in at around 10 pm and I sit trying to talk to Andrew's parents with my eyes still huge. I keep blanking out while asking them questions and I start to feel dizzy and lightheaded from the kitched light so I go lie down.
That night I dreamed that a very mean lady lit my cello on fire and when I dropped it lightly by accident, it shattered and I awoke with tears in my eyes.
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