Citation: Wes. "Raped by Snow: An Experience with Cocaine & Various (exp29259)". Erowid.org. Nov 6, 2007. erowid.org/exp/29259
||(powder / crystals)
I've been a regular cocaine user for about a month. Although it hasn't been a long term habit, there have already been instances that I've considered myself addicted. Here is why:
My first use was not administered to a sober mind. I was drunk, high on marijuana, as well as the typical dose of paroxetine (20mg) that I take daily. In this first usage, I didn't feel very much. I played pool, and I was incapable of performing. Balls would fly all over the place, I'd lost my motor skills. I was in a good mood until the game ended and my coked/drunk/stoned pals put on a skateboarding video. I grew bored and decided to go home. Upon returning home, I finished my cocaine and began to feel very guilty and remorseful. I was simultaneously physiologically without any sense of pain. I was elated and my every movement felt warm and sensual. Perhaps this was the alcohol combined with the cocaine.
My next experiences cost me much more money. The first line from my second purchase caused me to again feel guilty, and strangely, afraid. I continued to snort throughout the night, and talked to my friend Carla, who wondered why I would abuse myself in that way. I definitely felt energy, but psychologically I was miserable. The effects of cocaine are mostly physiological, I then deduced. It was totally possible for me to soberly think disturbing, negative thoughts while being high on large amounts of the drug, up to half a gram.
I went on a cocaine binge once I realized it could enhance my intelligence. I wrote essays for university while snorting lines, and my creativity and eloquence seemed beyond my normal state of mind. I would paint, exercise, go for walks, talk to family members (who were unaware). I would even snort lines at work, in the washroom. There seemed to be no downside to the drug.
I continued to abuse cocaine as the weeks progressed until I had an unfortunate incident occur at a movie theater. I went to see the remake of 'the texas chainsaw massacre' while very stoned on marijuana as well as cocaine. From the outset, I began to feel very frightened, and my heart raced to such an extreme that I feared cardiac failure. I arose and told my friend that I had to use the washroom. On the way, I collapsed in the hallway. The theater staff confronted me but all I could visibly see was blackness and thousands of vibrating faces. The staff called a paramedic and I regained consciousness just as they were arriving. I explained my psychological/chemical state and they offered to take me to the hospital. I refused and asked instead to be driven home. Upon arriving home, I snorted more cocaine.
As my usage has increased, I have lost the sensation of guilt and fear while using, unless if a friend inquires of my financial situation or usage amount. My nose is always encrusted in blood, I often have insomnia where I lie awake thinking of the various things I could employ cocaine to my advantage, and I sometimes become paranoid.
One evening, I much exceeded my amount at a party, and decided that I should return home. Home alone, I heart voices, and had to back into a corner to feel confident that no one was behind me. It was not an intense fear, only a self-indulgent game where I consciously knew that I was hallucinating, yet decided to trust my perception.
I have learned first hand the life-enhancing aspects of short term cocaine use, as well as some of the threats of sustained, long-term usage.
COPYRIGHTS: All reports are copyright Erowid and you agree not to download or analyze the report data without contacting Erowid Center and receiving permission first.
Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.