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Void of Emotion
Citation:   dharmabum727. "Void of Emotion: An Experience with 5-MeO-DMT (exp29313)". Erowid.org. Mar 4, 2004. erowid.org/exp/29313

1 hit smoked 5-MeO-DMT (powder / crystals)
11/21/03 app. 1:00am ~ 2:30am

At first, I was just blazed. Pitts and Snoop came over late in the evening, and after eventually finding my way into Frito’s room, I heard that Pitts was planning on taking 5-MeO-DMT. Initially I was a little intimidated, I told him that it would be fine, but in my mind I was fully aware of the intensity of the drug, and was quite afraid of what might happen to Pitts. We migrated to the room, turned on some A Perfect Circle (at Pitts' request), and prepared to observe and care for one of our friends, soon to be under the influence of one of the most powerful tryptamines known to mankind. He smoked some, tripped out, and upon his return to sobriety he described the experience as 'beautiful'. I was definitely intrigued by how enjoyable the trip appeared to be for my friend, and naturally I felt a tinge of desire to experience the drug for myself. I resisted however, and Snoop was the first to speak up about trying a hit. He smoked his dosage, went wherever, and returned with his own description, possessing such adjectives as 'incredible', 'amazing', 'beautiful', and even saying something to the extent of 'man, I could go deeper.'

At this point, I broke down. Pitts offered me a hit and I decided to go ahead and try it, in light of how much fun he and Snoop seemed to be having. He gave me a small dose, probably somewhere around 4mg in yellowish crystals of 5MeO-DMT. We placed the small clump of crystals onto a make-shift, foil spoon and I took the straw in between my teeth while I got ready to light the material. It lit fairly easily, quickly changing into a liquid with the addition of heat, and releasing a dark-yellow smoke up and through the straw. I finished hitting the small amount and slowly placed the foil and lighter at the edge of the bed, I could already feel the chemical beginning to take effect.

I could still hear 'Dark Star' by The Grateful Dead being played on my computer (I had requested that it be played for my trip), but it quickly became very vague and distant. I knew that I was sitting in the lotus position on my bed, surrounded by my friends who were watching curiously, but I remember feeling as if my body was intensely lop-sided, or un-centered. Soon that feeling lost all significance and for a few moments any recollection of a body was gone. Almost as if my mind was being put through a strong detachment from reality, and in that detachment I felt calm. I remember making myself breathe long, intensely full breaths maybe ten or fifteen seconds apart, and I smiled in this strange, new feeling of separation from natural consciousness. I opened my eyes after only five minutes or so and smiled to my friends.

I had quite a bit of trouble describing the experience to my friends, still mildly under the influence, but I did turn to Snoop and say 'Dude I know what you mean. I could go so much deeper.' And that was exactly how it felt. I realized that I probably didn't take a full dose, and it occurred to me that all of the information I previously had about 5-MeO-DMT trips now made more sense, yet remained inexperienced to me. A common description of the chemical's effect is a feeling of being shot through the universe, and I felt as though with the dose that I had taken, I had simply loaded myself in the cannon, but never really lit the fuse. Not to say that I didn't enjoy the initial experience, but I did feel a slight sensation of desire to see what the substance was really capable of.

For the next ten or fifteen minutes, I pondered the implications of my experience while Snoop and Pitts progressively upped their doses for another try. I believe that during this time, they offered some to those in the room that hadn't tripped yet, but I can't really remember in that at the time I was still a little wavy and distant, as is often the case when returning to reality from a psychedelic trip. Everyone else in the room turned it down, and I was up again for the option to trip, to which I responded with a curious and respectfully more experienced: 'yes.' Pitts handed me another foil spoon that had just been used by Snoop, hence there was a small amount of residue (perhaps 1-2mg) left behind, added to the 10mg dose of crystals that he placed on the spoon. This time I decided that the more pertinent musical accompaniment would be 'Undo' by Bjork. Again, I took the straw between my teeth and sat Indian-style as I began to light the hit.

Things didn't run so smoothly this time however. As I inhaled my hit, and as the crystals and residue cooked before my eyes, the foil spoon caught on fire and I gasped as I shook out the flames and handed the spoon to Pitts. Today, I can vaguely recall exhaling, and emitting what appeared like an arguably 'Hollifield' kind of weed hit, only dark yellow and much more harsh. I could see everyone's surprised expressions in the room; Frito, Kumquat, Snoop, Pitts, Abdar, and my brother Fez were all wide-eyed and staring at me as I exhaled my monstrous amount of smoke. I can barely remember this, but Fez recounted to me afterwards that while I exhaled, I began to say something about how the foil caught on fire, but in mid-sentence trailed off and laid onto my back with one hand behind my head and one on my stomach.

As the chemical began to take effect, I felt extremely detached, like before, only now to the point of no control, whatsoever. The detachment was completely involuntary, and even though I can recall with some difficulty fearing such things as death, or insanity, each of those fears felt surprisingly subtle and meaningless. It was as if any grip I had on my consciousness was being rapidly pulled away; as my mind left my body and submerged itself into another place, I noticed that I could see something around me. Everything was black, and moving all around my field of vision, not necessarily moving past me, or me past it; everything was simply moving and I along with it, whatever I was at that point. You see, my sense of self, or identity, or ego, had been completely severed from me, practically right after exhalation. So as everything moved, and as whatever state I was in perceived, the surroundings appeared incredibly dark, and swayed in their liquid-metallic dance. There were vivid patterns and shapes shifting in and out of my field of vision.

Behind me, or rather where I once was, I could distinctly hear Bjork's voice, but I noticed that the music, usually backing her voice had been removed. She sang the following lyrics: 'It's not meant to be a strife, It's not meant to be a struggle uphill. If you're bleeding, undo. If you're sweating, undo. If you're crying, don't be, undo.' My body smiled. I actually remember my body smiling quite a few times, but the smiles were not from happiness, according to my not so accurate memories of the experience, it felt more like I was making my body smile to put everyone else in the room at ease. As I stared and soared through the black, swirling mess, I remember thinking that my body could be dying, but it didn't matter, it seemed trivial at the moment. Not to mention, there was the haunting semblance of 'someone else' somewhere in the deep blackness; I never once felt alone there. I remained in this state, occasionally remembering to make my body take full, crowd-pleasing breaths, and smiling ever so contently, as everyone in the room stared at my sweating, pale body, lacking the natural, conscious mind within.

After two Bjork songs had passed, 'Undo' and 'Unison', totaling around twelve or so minutes, I began to try and open my eyes. The first time I tried I saw the ceiling above me, only through a green filter and it seemed as though strange diagonal lines of the black-metallic mess from before were drawn through all the surrounding surfaces of reality. Walls, people, shelves, anything in the room was affected by this hallucination, and it seemed very difficult to keep my eyes open, so I quickly shut them and returned to the void. Also, while my eyes were opened, I had the strange sensation of not truly possessing a physical body, almost like a numb feeling but far more intense, as if my body was something that I hadn't fully returned to yet. I submerged myself into the blackness for a few moments and then fought to regain my vision of reality once more. This time I returned with more fervor, and regained control over my body and my vision, although the body still seemed far too temporary, and my vision was plagued with aberrant hallucinations. I can only just remember saying something to convince everyone that my trip was over, when it really wasn't, and then leaving the room.

I stumbled down the hallway, nearly running into some people in the kitchen, and turned into the bathroom, lacking any real sense of destination, and still lacking my identity as product of the detachment described earlier. I looked into the mirror and saw my body, flushed and sweating profusely from the face, but turned quickly away as everything in reality was constantly warping and pulsating, causing me to have a distaste of looking at anything for too long. I wiped my face off and walked out the front door. As I walked outside, I finally felt a part of my body as being my own again: my feet. I looked down at them and smiled that curious emotionless smile as I slowly began remembering them as a significant part of my being. I looked up and saw the beautiful night sky above me, filled with stars, and warping as everything was to my vision. The stars swayed and the blackness of the sky bubbled as I stared into it. Then, I looked down and saw my friends cars parked out front, only they all seemed off-centered, as if missing tires and leaning to one side. I turned a bit, and looked at the trees across the street, and the street-light hovering above, not understanding any of it, and wondering at how strangely perfect it all seemed.

At this point, I remember thinking about how I couldn't feel any emotions. I mean, I wasn't happy, sad, concerned, anything, and I still didn't feel like I had an ego or identity. I walked through the house, back through the room where everyone was, and walked to the back porch as my mind was brought to some of the people in my life that 'care about' or 'love' who I am. I thought of Fez, my ex-girlfriend Sarah, my friends, my family, and all of the sudden I could feel their love for me; almost as if, in my own absence of emotion, the concept of everyone else's in regards to myself was drastically overwhelming. I know that such a concept may sound cheesy, or even trite, but it is the only way that I can describe it. It felt incredible. Silent, unseen currents of 'love' could be felt gently flowing into me from every direction. A lot of the muscles in my body contracted at this point and I crumbled onto the floor, cackling up at the sky, as I somehow tapped in to the flow of love emitting from those in my life charitable enough to offer it to me. I resurrected quickly after this fit of laughter and elation, and everything was back to normal, give or take a bit.

I must admit, I could not stop smiling for about an hour after this experience. I couldn't speak to anyone about it. All I could do was repeatedly say '...wow' and abruptly widen my innocent, sprightly visage. In those post-tripping moments, I felt reborn. It was as if I had been perfected, I had gone somewhere where nothing mattered, but where everything moved with the most glorious purpose. I had felt consummate in that place, and now I was back to deficiency. However, this 'deficiency' felt like the sweetest, most fertile of environments. My consciousness and its perceptions had been cast completely beyond what I normally see as reality, and upon returning, my appreciation of reality had increased substantially. I had no dread of where I was while tripping, just a calm, happy nostalgia, and at the same time I was glad to be back.

When I woke up the next morning Pitts messaged me on AIM to see how I was feeling.
'Pretty good man...you?'
'I feel great man, almost as if I'm more aware.'
'That's a good way to feel huh?'
'Yes.....yes indeed.'

Exp Year: 2003ExpID: 29313
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Mar 4, 2004Views: 25,119
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5-MeO-DMT (58) : General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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