Citation: artificial sweetener. "The Best and Worst Feelings Ever: An Experience with Cocaine (exp29426)". Erowid.org. Jun 29, 2007. erowid.org/exp/29426
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After seeing movies like blow, pulp fiction, requiem for a dream, and spun, I always wondered if cocaine is as shady as it looks in the movies - if the people that do it always have some strange alter ego and 2 separate lives. most of all, I've always wondered what it felt like to try coke myself.
in school, they always give you reasons why you shouldn't do drugs. 'they can kill you,' and 'you'll hurt your family' and all of that other stuff you learn in 7th grade to try and sway you from becoming a junkie. I knew about all of that stuff that is supposed to mean it's bad for you, but my my philosophy is and has always been, nothing is bad if it doesn't harm others. I believe drugs are okay because you're only hurting yourself and that's your own conscious decision.
anyhow, I was finally approached with the opportunity to try coke one fine day and of course, curiousity killed the cat! my friend told me she had some and brought out a tiny bag filled it one morning and soon after I rummaged through drawers in search of a pen to hollow out. as I saw her pour it out, I began to grow anxious and wanted try it. she left me the bit on the counter as she stuck her nail in the bag and snorted her coke that way. I grabbed the pen, closed one nostril and snorted it. the feeling was indescribable, and yet so quick at the same time. it was 7 o'clock in the morning and the original plan was to stay awake the entire day, but we were doing more than just staying awake after the coke. I felt ecstatic and I turned up our music right away because I felt like I needed to celebrate. she ended up giving me her bag of coke because she was going to fly and couldn't bring it with her on the plane and it was then when I got to really experience coke.
the first time I felt it going up my nose I was a little freaked out, but after a couple more time, I began to realize the feeling of having it inside of my nose is a good one. it's like this burning sensation, but relaxing at the same time. I could have been told the worse news ever and as soon as I snort a line, I'd feel like suddenly everything's okay. then there's the drip in the back of my throat. at first it's kind of annoying, and I wanted it to go away, but after about 4 straight days of using coke, and then a day without, I kind of miss the drip and would rather suffer that annoyance than be without it.
the high though--the initial high--it's completely indescribable. people wonder if the high is anything like riding a roller coaster or running down the street naked and it's not even close. it's something I could never replace or even compare to those things. asking me what coke feels like is like asking me to describe what love feels like. it's something that you'll never know until you experience yourself, and I think you want to kill two birds with one stone, try coke and you'll know what love feels like too.
if I were to even try to describe the high for you, I'd say it's the feeling someone would probably get jumping off a building to their death. that fear, combined with knowing you're going to a better place is closest I can illustrate to being the euphoria I get when snorting just a few lines.
a day without coke after a few straight days with coke is just about the worse feeling I've ever experienced. during that period where I had a whole bag to myself, I wanted to stop because I didn't want to get addicted, and so I told myself to stop. I didn't do any the next day and I felt like I had a hangover, only it was way worse. I can usually sleep off hangovers and wake up feeling revived. after all that coke and then a day with none at all, I was having trouble getting myself fall asleep even and as soon as I'd get myself to fall asleep, I'd wake up feeling the same exact way I did before falling asleep. imagine car sickness, combined with a grueling headache and being tired at the same time, yet not being able to fall asleep. that's what it feels like when I try to stop doing coke. a few more hours and I couldn't take feeling like shit and laying in bed any longer, so I went to the bathroom with my little bag and snorted about 3 lines. coke was like a best friend I never had. it knew exactly what I needed and made me feel better in an instant.
I didn't feel like the dark character I once saw in movies. I felt like myself, only better and more improved; a happier, more positive me. with that, I ended up going through the whole bag in less than 2 weeks. first using it once every few days, then a few times every couple days, then few times a day. if it were possible that I wasn't freaked out by the possibility of od'ing, I would have probably used it even more frequently. I started to realize that my use was more than casual, and probably closer to an addiction, but I didn't care about becoming addicted. I just felt like I found the answer to everything.
of course, I knew it would come to an end. I knew it, but I didn't want to imagine it. running out of coke is depressing. running out of coke and knowing I won't be able to get any is extremely depressing, but it's something I'd, of course, know too well.
I have been cocaine free for about 2 weeks now. there was this point where I knew I was going to run out of the stuff, so I just stopped using it then and there leaving about enough for 2 lines. I wanted to have a bag with some in it even if I knew it would never get used. I just didn't want to find out what it feels like when I run out because I wanted to know it was always there. I couldn't take it anymore eventually and snorted the little bit that I had left. for those few seconds the tiny bit gave me, I was happy, and though not as much as my first time and the times I knew I could indulge, but happy nonetheless.
I don't have any money to buy more coke or anything to turn to for that matter, but I know I'd probably get myself into more trouble if did. today, I still think about using it. I think about using coke numerous times every single day, but it's just wishful thinking. whenever I think about it, I still feel like I must do it, and it sucks not being able to fill that void.
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