Citation: Anonymous. "A Hidden Significance In My Life: An Experience with BZP (exp29428)". Erowid.org. Dec 22, 2003. erowid.org/exp/29428
I hope that in writing this people will think twice before deciding to go off and be smart little pricks.
I've only very recently come to admit this to myself... How BZP, a stimulant, has played a significant role in who I am today. I remember how I used to be, a very happy person - there was a time where nothing in this life would really get me down, I would occasionally be pissed of by 1 thing or a trivial other. I was a fairly well rounded student, but never really tried that hard at anything (didn't have to) and got Bs and As in high school.
Then in late 2000 (year 10), I started reading a lot about drugs which was sporned by a recently made friends intrest in the topic. I really respected the guy as he was a hell of a lot more intelligent, creative, and artistic then I was, all things that I thought I was relativey above average in (yes, quite the arogent little teen I was). What he told me at the time was very interesting and opened up new ways of thinking in myself as my only previous views on the matter had only been from seeing my brother, B, in hospital from any ecstasy/cocaine/meth overdose (from what hel told me I'm guessing he probably injected about 750mg of ecstacy - I now know that he is the glutton from hell when it comes to drugs with no respect for his body or the people who love his selfish arse). So I took it upon myself to learn everything there was to know about drugs so to open up conversation between my new friend and so I could educate my other friends who were starting to dabble.
At the start of 2001 I wasn't really that interested in school and in an idiotic attempt in rebelion I ceased studying and put all my energies into socializing, smoking grass/drinking, and learning drugs. Mid-year I came accross BZP and realised I could import heaps of the stuff and in my mind I was set - HAH! I dropped out, much to the dissapointment of my parents, which I thought was quite funny (what an arsehole I was), moved out of home with my brothers A, and B. I quickly entered an apprentaship with a mindless repedative job and steady pay.
It was mid 2001 when my order of BZP came in (quite the fucking lot too) and I started using it once a week along with antioxidents and phenylalananine. The feeling was quite pleasent, there was a deffinate feeling of intoxication, I was more assertive (I was a very easy going person and quite passive so in some ways this was good and other ways not so good, I would say that the good deffinately outweighed the bad but occasionally I might get stuck into someone about something in a passive and confident tone, sometimes being less sensative then I would have chosen to be if I had been sober - apparently this passive yet confident tone really shredded peoples egos, which isn't something I would set out to do - well not to most people anyway). There wasn't much of a comedown, that I could tell (maybe due to the supplements that I was taking) and all in all I thought, and still do to some degree, that there wasn't anything wrong with doing it - at least the way I was taking it back then.
My relationship with my parents had never been better, my mum and my dad thought it was great that I had a job that would go places and that it wasn't exactly an easy job either in that a lot of physical labor was involved (I was the first sibling to get approval from those vampiric high achievers), but somewhere along the way I pissed off the wrong people. It started out with my brother B sneeking into my room while I away at work and taking large ammounts of my BZP, but I knew that he was doing it because I would weigh it every time I got back home. I questioned him about it and found that he'd been injecting as much as 2g of BZP to be what he'd familiarised himself as a good dose of meth. I told him that was incredibley dangerous and that he shouldn't be injecting any of it due to it's high pH (14) and what's more is that he was doing his brain a huge deal of dammage by overdose himself with every hit. He successfully lied to me and said that he wouldn't do it anymore.
At the time I remember thinking to myself how reckless this was especially since he'd had a moderate pshycosis about a year before that and one which he was still dealling with. My mistake was telling my brother A about it as he went ballistic and told my parents which I believe that was partly due to his jelousy of my situation. There he was, a reformed heroin junckie, racking his brain every day for a computer programming company, earing much more then I was with 0 approval from his folks and there I was, living the high life in a 0-brainer of a job and a shit load of drugs, which I could tell that he wanted a piece of but didn't want to relapse into anything, and basically having the time of my life.
This was where me and my brother B got kicked out of home (we were renting off our dad) and I quickly lost my job. In retaliation I thought I would stab them in the back by turning my once a week habbit into a once a day without the aid of the previous supplements - 1 because I couldn't afford them any more and 2 because I knew I was just going to get high again the next day so why bother with trying to lessen the comedown. This completely stupid transition was quite easy to do as I thought that BZP wasn't that bad and besides it stopped me thinking about my arsehole brother, but just thinking back now how my actual justification for it was to stick it to my parents I cringe because I was actually sticking it to myself.
Over the next 4 months I used the stuff constantly with about 10 other people that I was living with, it was a fucking party and by the end of it I was using as much as 10 time what I started out taking - it was like everything I learnt about before was very quickly forgottern, probably due to me not thinking anything bad could happen as I was high and confident all the time and if I did think about anything that I had learned about it was instantly dismissed as depressing. And besides I wanted to show my parents! What a dumb-fuck I was. In that 4 month period I suffered 2 panic attack and almost went insane from the second one, luckily I had 10 people who were concerned about their drug-source to help me, but that's all they were really intersested in - infact it's really amazing how quickly people will turn on you once you tell them that you've run out ('YOUR SAVING IT FOR YOURSELF ARN'T YOU!!!' - HAH! I wasn't that type of person and for some weird reason I was the only person there who didn't suffer any real comedown??? I've got no clue why.) and that's what happened. So after I ran out of a shit load of drugs in a 4 month period I pleaded my way back into home - long story short.
I tried going back to school to do year 12 in 2003 but failed dismally. I believe now that it has to do with that 4 month binge with BZP - for a long time I defended it, but I can't attribute some side effects to anything else really. This last year really has been hell, sometimes I cry for no reason, I can't concentrate on anything, I've been incredibly depressed for the whole time, I sometime contemplate suicide but wouldn't because I'm not that selfish, I can't deal with anything stressful and worst of all is that all of my old friends say that I've changed dramatically and they are choosing to avoid me. My girlfriend left me and told me that I have some issues to work on and she's right, I wouldn't want to go out with someone that falls apart at the drop of a hat either. It's a slow strugle for my dopamine recepters to get back on track, but I can tell that they are... slowly. Hopefully I'll be the same again in about 2 years... HOPEFULLY!
For those of you saying that it may have been my abuse of BZP but it sounds like I went through a bit of crap GROW UP and take a reality check, nobody can outwit the way everyones brain operates. If your going to use drugs then do it responsibly (that means do occasionally, monthly, whatever - you decide, your life, not mine *whoops* what am I saying my life sucks) whether it's grass, ecstacy, meth or heroin. Personally I could have done without the lot of the fuckers.
COPYRIGHTS: All reports are copyright Erowid.
Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.