Citation: Treefingers. "What Am I?: An Experience with LSD (exp29861)". Erowid.org. Jan 19, 2004. erowid.org/exp/29861
At the young age of 14 I dropped one hit of strong geltab LSD.
Before my virgin voyage, I read an interview with Carlos Santana. In it, he described the effects that LSD and mescaline had upon him, specifically upon his guitar playing. It was the first favorable description of any drug that I had encountered. Santana said that he had never played as well as when he was under the effects of LSD. It did something to his playing that he wasn’t able to achieve at any other time. And it wasn’t just his perception of the music. Upon hearing recordings of what he had played while intoxicated when sober, he was flabbergasted at his incredible playing. Myself being a musician in a sense, I decided to try to get some of this “acid” and try it in the name of music.
Don’t think I didn’t do my homework. I did. I read both the bad and the good about LSD. I found out as much as I possibly could. I ventured into my high school library for the first time to check out a book on psychedelic substances. In the end I came to the conclusion that it was relatively harmless, and at least worth a shot to satisfy my curiosity.
I told a friend of mine, D, that he should try to get us LSD. I knew that he had smoked marijuana before, and he was the closest thing to a drug user that I had ever come into close contact with (well that I know of). At the time I was also going out with a girl, G, who was actually threatening to break up with me because of my new-found interest. Surprisingly, one day after school she informed me that she had bought a few hits of LSD. Apparently, my musings on drug usage actually began to intrigue her, and G thought she would like to try it as well. She attended a different high school than me, and although it is only a town away, it was much more promiscuous in a drug sense than mine. While I was having trouble finding a source of any drug altogether, she found what I was looking for in no time at all.
It was a Wednesday night, and we had decided to drop one hit each while at home, and talk on the phone all night. We seldom had the opportunity to see each other (it was a rather odd relationship, one of which I could write several books about) and decided that this would be a good alternative to actually tripping together. We were both rather naive about LSD’s effects, and thought that we could spend the time commenting on how great music sounded and how cool our visuals were. There was a snag in the problem. Shortly after we both dosed, G’s mom came into her room and made her get off the phone. I expected her to call me back after a while, but apparently she fell asleep, missing the entire effects of the drug. I on the other hand, had an experience that continues to amaze me.
After getting off the phone with G I watched TV. It was all very funny. Suddenly everything was different. I couldn’t put a finger on it, but everything was just different. It wasn’t particularly odd or weird. It was just different. I had some mild visuals coming on, but they were nothing compared to the change that was occurring within my mind. What is going on?
Suddenly it came to me. I realized that there were two different parts to my psyche. There was the regular “me”. The guy who went to school everyday. The guy that I had gotten to know rather intimately in my 14 years in this body. And now, there was a new me, the me on drugs. It was totally different from the “me” that I thought I knew so well. I decided that I needed to write a letter to the regular me, and describe the incredible effects the “drug me” was feeling. After scribbling a few lines of gibberish and doodles I left my room and ran around for a while. I was becoming a little frightened. There was no way to control this drug. What happened to the pretty visuals? I thought this was just supposed to make me see colors and taste sounds and other trippy stuff? I didn’t remember reading anything about intense mindfucks! I ran into the kitchen and looked at a digital clock that was on my microwave. “Ok, only twelve hours. I can do this”, I reassured myself. After what seemed like an eternity I glanced at the clock again. A minute had yet to pass! This was going to be a long night.
I returned to my room and continued to lose my mind. After a couple minutes my parents came into my room. They had heard me banging around and were afraid that someone was breaking in. They seemed a little relieved that it was just me, and told me to quiet down. I giggled a response and they left.
Suddenly another epiphany sprang into my pried open head! This whole world was merely an incredible dream. I was finally waking up from my 14 year long slumber and I was going to return to my real self. Once I had gained this realization I said to myself, “well it’s a good thing I didn’t do my homework”. The thought of doing homework in a dream was intensely humorous and I laughed about this little joke for a couple thousand years and then returned to myself.
What is myself?
At this point, things get a little hazy. I remember nothing. Not that I don’t remember anything. I just remember feeling and seeing and becoming a vibration. I was nothing and I was everything. But mostly I was incredibly confused. During my research I had never encountered the notion of ego death, and actually didn’t find out that this was what I had experienced until months later. I lay on my bed and experienced a truly surreal moment. I don’t remember having any thoughts. Occasionally my mind would be jerked back into reality by a noise, only to return to this state of accidental enlightenment seemingly instantaneously.
Over time (somewhere between 4 and 6 hours as the sun was beginning to come up) I returned to myself. I was back in my body in my bed in my room in my house, although I had no concept of what each of these things were.
What am I?
My dog was laying nearby and I thought, “I am a dog”. Wait, what is a dog? I contemplated this notion for a while, and then came upon a suitable conclusion, a dog is that which looks and acts like a dog. And so for a few seconds I was a dog. But no, that’s wrong.
I tried again. I searched deep and thought of G. I’m G. I’m a human being. A female human. And for a few seconds I was her. Shit, that’s wrong too.
I eventually made it back to myself, whatever that is, and fell asleep. When I awoke it was 1 in the afternoon. I had missed school and all I could say to myself was, “what the fuck?” I was positive that I had taken some drug other than LSD. That surely must have been crack.
But of course it wasn’t crack. I had taken LSD and experienced the elusive ego death. A mystical plus four on the shulgin scale. Something that I have yet to achieve again. I don’t even know if I want to again.
Of course, I do. It was an incredible state, that while terrifying at the time, I feel grateful to have experienced.
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