Citation: neongenesis. "The Other White Pill: An Experience with Ketamine & MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp30543)". Erowid.org. Jul 5, 2006. erowid.org/exp/30543
I am writing this only several hours after what has been the most terminal and horrifying moment I believe I will face during my life on this world. I wish this doco to be simply taken as is, whereby my sole intention for recording the experience is to hopefully light a warning beacon to prevent such a terrifying and life-threatening situation occurring to someone else. The details I am still a bit unsure of how to translate into words (not to mention I am still relatively wired & un-rested) so try to bear with this as best you can. Finally I consider myself to be a reasonably well informed recreational drug user for many years – never used needles / heroin or other similar hard narcotics. I have only had one bad experience with drug usage to date – an LSD trip that went a bit leftfield quite a few years ago – after which I never touched LSD again, along with ending my high school obsession with the daily bong.
I am a relatively grounded and analytical thinker – quite a creative imagination and have a slight tendency to daydream or lock myself up in my thoughts from time to time. No medications/ conditions/ surgery/ counselling has ever been required or undergone. I’m from a strong and loving family whereby the discussion of my recreational drug use has been openly discussed and understood. I have never had any kind of head injuries, known alien abductions, was not dropped as a baby, could never imagine suicide, am non-religious, never in trouble with the law, always in the highest classes through school and have a dedicated career as an IT Professional – not to mention an otherwise healthy lifestyle and positive outlook – great friends, etc... you get the picture.
Normal circumstances were setup for a standard issue Fri/Sat night bender in the town with my mate. We were to go and see a movie whilst intoxicated …then hang back at his place for drinks and the usual mess that goes along with such a night. I might add this friend and I have been kindred spirits for many years and will be forever, and these sorts of nights (up until the K) were fairly standard issue and never caused an issue. So we finish the film and end up back at the flat for the rest of the night. Several hours pass, along with a couple of MDMA pills, small dash of Base dissolved in water [Erowid Note: 'Base dissolved in water'?]
, and a few Strongbow’s. By this time we were both feeling quite cruisy, a little wired obviously but as I said earlier nothing unordinary – our moods were good, and the environment was safe, the night had been heaps of fun without any trouble or negativity.
Soon after, around 9am, a call was made for us each to down a “K-bomb” (cap containing about 1.5 pills of Ketamine, half an MDMA pill & some minor traces of Codeine/Paracetamol). My mate mixed them up and contrary to understood beliefs towards this; he has been extremely thorough not only in his research, but attention to detail and maturity when mixing up such caps. I would sooner trust my life in his displayed knowledge and respect towards recreational drug use than I would an average GP giving me a flu shot, not to shun our medical system in any way.
I have to add at this point – this situation should have been easily avoided as I was not honestly prepared mentally for the K experience I was about to be in for (much like LSD, very strong psychotropic). I had only had K twice before this, once a small amount (with friends) with little effect, and the next time 1 tablet (home alone) with an outcome I would describe as a bit of a rough ride. I had only done minimal research on the basics of the drug (do’s and don’t) so I would say respectfully I was definably not an experienced user of K.
My metabolism usually has me feeling early effects of pills (oral) coming on in around 15mins. However I did not expect to start feeling a high level of the drug rushing through my system after 5 mins… a little startled, I ran with it. I felt the familiar early tingles and slight rushes running through my limbs as they went ‘offline’…within 5 mins I now felt the familiar tightness across my chest and numbness in the lips, face and other areas…this too was expected. A minute later I began to experience an unusually high level of visual distortion… (peoples faces on TV distorting, ambient light reflections in the room causing optical illusions, unable to read more than a word at a time, unable to use a mobile phone to type an SMS). I stood up and felt the usual (although very strong) out of body sensation attributed to the muscle nerves going ‘offline’. Conversation with my friend (slightly less affected but under same dosage) was skittish and sentences were difficult to complete… through trying to talk I noticed more & more difficulty in stringing sentences together that made sense (VERY IMPORTANT!! This was one of the key factors to this trip turning as bad as it did as I lost the ability to communicate & ask for help).
At this point (say bit over 10 mins in) I was starting to feel the whole sensation reasonably overbearing – although note this type of drug generally carries this type of ‘loss of control’ trip likened to LSD for example, however possibly due to the residual MDMA & alcohol in my system this was amplified. I was not seriously able to communicate to my friend that I was starting to freak out, each attempt at a sentence my complete attention would be uncontrollably broken by something else visual or thought related (extreme example of ADD for example I guess). By now I was actually starting to panic and fight the sensation (very bad thing to do …commonly the experience may only last say 30 mins…(don’t quote me on this)…but it is always best to try and ride with it than fight it).
Paranoia very quickly moved in as one of my primary thought processes. I was in between thinking my mate had given me an overdose (NOTE - he would NEVER do this– this was just Paranoia!) and wanting to just go with it and ride it out. Each attempt at trying to sink back and ride with it was quickly overrun by a mixture of intense visual distortions/ hallucinations, time/space distortions, paranoid and delusional thought processes (some now slightly self destructive) – not to mention the usual processing and respondence to stimuli that was severely affecting my breathing and heart rate without me being aware. It was at this point (say 15 mins in) I had lost absolute and total control over my own thought processes and my speech centres were rendered near useless. I was able to walk/move around by my own will however motor functions severely affected also (balance/ muscular feedback). Now uncontrollable was my complete set of inbound stimuli – sight, sound, sense of time / space, touch, muscle response. My skin felt as if it had scratches, itches and scars where there were none, I noticed an occasional slight sensation (face, arms mostly) that I could best represent as what a werewolf may feel as his body transforms into beast – obviously this was just sensory distortion only, nothing happening physically.
Now I was in a total paradox – being very well aware of my state but being helpless to alter it, however being paranoid and unwilling to continue the experience (IMPORTANT!!! Another key component which turned the trip from bad to worse). Overall I felt completely detached from any sense of reality that I was sitting in no more than 15 mins earlier. I was familiar with where I was and the contents of the flat and my friend, but it all just felt like background animation in a weird cartoon. I was experiencing such intense overbearing visual/time/inner sensory distortions along with my psychological state of panic & paranoia that I quickly started letting go bit by bit, consumed by the experience and beginning to resolve myself to the thought I was fading away or becoming something unexplainable. Occasionally the trip would seem to pause for a second (strong surging waves like a vicious rollercoaster – my adrenalin was rushing like mad), giving me a chance to slightly collect myself and get my breathing down a bit… but then instantly back into it – much like a movie being paused for a sec. (NOTE – very mechanical sense of time distortion here – I had lost all connection with the concept of time – however generally perceived time to be flying by when it was still only maybe 18mins in now. Also conversations, as nonsense as the were seemed to stutter intermittently – much like the time skew effect used in a lot of horror films to add spook - 'phlanging').
My friend had noticed my state was not going uphill in any way but could only offer very little help as I was unable to string sentences together to tell him what I was feeling. It only served to add to my paranoia as I regressed further into my own headspace to try and fight it by myself (NOTE!! – VERY bad mistake, as I was paranoid of my friend now for overdosing me and not being able to trust him or ask for help I was now almost totally isolated).
Death & Rebirth
The final and darkest part of this experience was now upon me. I still had a good 15-20 mins of the bulk of the drug to work itself though my system, however I had no idea or concept of this at the time. I now had taken on the concept that I had overdosed & passed into a coma, or died and was now in some kind of transitional limbo to the next life. (NOTE - At the time this was a very believable reality taking in consideration all the factors – my thoughts, feelings of complete spiritual mutation - however now it’s obvious why the trip was going in this direction.) I felt my energy levels rapidly depleting, like my life was being quickly sucked from me – this resulted in an overwhelming urge to give up the fight, put my head down and sleep, or go away to a dark corner and fade away. Able to still reference memories and internal knowledge I resisted the urge to fall asleep knowing this could only make matters worse.
With respect to readers I have to add at this point that if you haven’t been through this or very similar experience I wouldn’t expect it to sound anything short of exaggerated or unbelievable. I wish to make clear that although this trip was almost mostly only psychological, I was only able to reference my sense of reality with what I created in my head, which at this point was not a healthy one to say the least – I was self destructing. This drug requires one to ‘steer’ the experience and to know how to do this or one can end up down this path. (NOTE – question about the possibility of causing coma/trauma or physical damage at this point/on??).
I still am not able to relate the next events into words that will be accurate or easily understood – so bear with me as this was the most defining part of the entire experience. (20-25 mins in) Now totally consumed, other than a will to fight the drug & connect again with what I felt was my life and reality, I began to completely shut down and become overrun by powerful delusional thoughts and emotions I honestly don’t know how to explain at the moment without sounding ridiculous. I had a few flashes whereby (for what felt like minutes but was probably only a couple of seconds), I felt my entire consciousness slip away… I completely let go and surrendered myself to whatever greater force was above me – universe/ god/ fate? For a moment I felt myself dissolve, become one with the universe/infinity, whisked away to some void and back again. This experience repeated itself soon after but whereby I felt I briefly reformed in some other place as an entity or being other than myself (spirit form? Sorry difficult to describe). I took on the concept that I had died and this flat was where I was now stuck for eternity.
Stricken with a paranoid delusional state of mind I began to switch between thinking that my friend was either Satan (wanting me to stay in the unit for eternity) or God/Jesus (being there to help and guide me along). (NOTE – now torn between trust/distrust of my only source of support and unable to make a decision due to distortion of facts/reality)
(NOTE!! - I have no other way of resounding this so I’ll just say it – If you are much of a thinker and have ever gotten yourself in a loop thinking about the ‘death is eternity’ thing it can be a scary train of thought to get stuck in… not a good additive to my current state of mind). I not only believed but felt with overwhelming emotional force that I was definantly dead from overdose or in a coma (physical sensation of burning – guilt/fear/paranoia though my chest and head – loss of energy to fight, emotionally defeated & sad/very afraid), and I was now stuck for eternity in this strange dream-sequence. I had the perception that if I went out the door there would be a void… not to help it was early on a Sunday and hence I saw no signs of life from the balcony either, adding to the surreality. I now felt a very strong urge to seek signs of life other than myself and my friend – to build up some proof that I was still alive. Instantly I took my mobile to call family and friends… feeling paranoid about my mate not wanting me to do this (again now for reasons obvious)… I fumbled with my mobile feeling some strange will forcing me to give up and not bother… and the mobile was not an easy puzzle to master in this state either. But I was now thinking my primary survival depended on confirming if indeed reality was still there.
I fought on and called a friend – upon them answering I was a little startled, unprepared for what to say… I tried to talk but only managed to basically mumble a couple of words, then panicked, dropped the phone on the floor where I was standing and went to crawl up in the corner to pass out. I got myself up and called another friend, left a message for him. Now feeling somewhat cornered I turned my focus onto getting out of the unit and back home/ somewhere safe with family. I was scared to walk out the door now – not sure what would happen as I was still hallucinating quite intensely and had no idea what I would experience in a different environment. Against my inability to walk my head through the way home, I gathered what belongings I could and in a state of desperation & fear I left the unit and headed for the lifts. My mate came out with me (at the time I felt he was trying to stop me going for bad reasons – that he was Satan and wanted to keep me there for good) …. Obviously now he was quite worried, confused what to do and didn’t want me to head home in my state. (30 mins in) I was however now obsessed with changing my environment and reassimilating with the reality I hoped still existed before the trip – I wanted to see other people, see if I was able to get home without having my head games confuse me or talk myself back upstairs.
The moment the lift hit the ground, I saw people – although everything seemed much like a computer game I was extremely relieved to see I had not in fact died or lost it, but had just locked myself away in my head games. I quickly made way home, K effects starting to slowly wear off now – probably with the grounding and calming change of environment back into a much sought after reality (NOTE – now starting to assess how much of what I had just gone though was real or misperceived). I called my friend back now and had a quick chat which centred me quite a bit. Travelling home (public transport) I called my mate at the flat – now a little worried about the situation he must now be in – we quickly updated each other and that I believed I had just gone off on a bad trip and for him not to worry - he was quite relieved obviously – we spoke again in more depth when I got home an hour later and all was good. I was now starting to feel somewhat back to some kind of a normal life again – although mentally exhausted and very scattered.
This is not a light party drug such as E. One can sometimes score an E with K in it – a dodgy dealer won’t care to tell you. An essential and inexpensive survival tool - tester kits will keep you aware of what you have paid for and are going to eat. I NEVER want to end up with K in my system without being ready - freaking out and ending up needing help. I cant stress enough how much K is a dissociative anaesthetic - mind is seperated from body - kind of similar to LSD properties but very different – this is nothing like the feel good loving experience I get with E – it is a head trip. Finally – “each to their own” – I know I have mates who take K without issues and some who won’t go near it. I felt I had to give up Pot and LSD years ago as it did not agree with me and further usage would have only served to destroy me over time – I am drawing the same conclusion with K now after this experience – one has to do what’s best for oneself.
I sincerely hope this may serve as a preventative measure so no one has to go through the experience I was fortunate enough to write about.
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