DOSE:

1 tablet

oral

MDMA

(pill / tablet)

BODY WEIGHT:

160 lb

My life has been a series of unfortunate happenings. Growing up gay, family abuse, divorce, depression and self-pity followed. I had no previous experience with any drugs, more, I was telling myself over and over again, never ever to 'pollute' my body with anything else than healthy food.

My senior year in high school, my depression creeped in a powerful way. Days became gray and monotonous. Life became lackluster. There was nothing that could keep me from having suicidal thoughts,... Pressure that my parents were inflicting on me, not being able to find myself and show my true nature to people who once I thought I loved took a deep toll on my psyche. It lasted for a year. There was no love in my life, nothing sort of it.

My first experience with E was by accident. I got it from a transfer student during my last year of high school. I did not anticipate anything special from taking it. After doing 'some' research, I thought it will give me some nice visuals so I would be able to take my mind off things. I took one pill that March night, when winter was still in the air, sitting calmly on my bed, watching the city lights, and listening to some cheesy trance music. I was afraid, everything I read on the net screamed 'DONT take it!, you'll get hot and you'll die', I was frankly, paranoid. I tried dancing a little, but that was not what my body really wanted, it seemed fake. I could feel a little bit tipsy,....., but nothing besides that. I recon now, that it may have been caused by paranoia,.....or solitude that I had gotten so used to.

My real life started after my parents kicked me out their house. Graceful day opened my life to a new level. New friends, connections, social scene. NOT feeling alone. Throughout that year, I met a person who would be there for every enlightening experience of my life that I would have. F introduced me to E again, after I banned it, and claimed that it simply 'does not work for me', .....It was a hot day in a small fishing village, off from work, I decided to use the pill, take my sun umbrella and wander off to the beach. Still anxious, I followed to the dunes, spreading out my sheat on hot sand. I looked over the horizon, the sun was still in the sky changing its colors to glowing orange. E started to kick in, feelings of euphoria and contentment were elusive and I could grasp them for the first time in my life. But there was something missing,...Human touch. I reached for my cell phone, called F, to find out that he was at the beach all day, and was coming towards where I was layed down.

I relaxed and watched the sunset. He came with a smile on his face, knowing that I was on. For the first time we hugged, and enjoyed each other's presence,.

I picked myself up, and layed on the still hot sand, feeling the earth, embracing it, rooting my being in it, I started to cry. All the sad emotions and experiences of my life, poured down in sobs that drowned in the sand. I felt free, for the first time in my life, free to go and do anything I want, free to live my life anyhow I want, free to express my emotions freely. Urge, of having my being cleansed of all those murky dark feelings was topped with submerging myself into cool ocean water. It felt like I was being baptized again, reborn to live in a new brave world. We spent that day together, watching the sunset, and talking about the most immersed emotions and feelings. Never have I felt so free and liberated as I did that one day at the beach. E helped me lose my baggage that I was carrying even though I wasn't aware of it. Opened my heart and sould to a new level of compassionate loving towards other beings. Next day, I felt like people were looking at me with a magnifiyng glass, or being just happy that I was back in my shoes again, never before so stable and grounded. Love was and is still pouring out of my heart to everyone in need. I cannot simply estimate how beneficial E has been in my life. If I hadn't tried it, I would have still been in that same dark rut from which I emerged. I can't say anything more or less. Love and freedom go in pairs.

Exp Year: 2003	ExpID: 30671
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Oct 22, 2018	Views: 1,910
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MDMA (3) : General (1), Retrospective / Summary (11), Glowing Experiences (4), Depression (15), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Various (28)