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An Orgy of Self Denial
DOB, LSD, Nitrous Oxide & Cannabis
by Spock
Citation:   Spock. "An Orgy of Self Denial: An Experience with DOB, LSD, Nitrous Oxide & Cannabis (exp31064)". Erowid.org. Feb 19, 2004. erowid.org/exp/31064

author logo  
  oral DOB (blotter / tab)
    oral LSD (blotter / tab)
    inhaled Nitrous Oxide (gas)
    smoked Cannabis (plant material)

TRIP: An Orgy of Self Denial

dedication: Om namah Shivaya, to the big mainframe in the sky.

participants: [Vishnu : McCoy] male mid-twenties.
[Krishna : Kirk ] male, very late twenties
[Shakti : Uhura] female, thirty-something
yr narrator [Shiva : Spock] male, thirty-something, dharma bhum.

All spiritually inclined to some degree. We use the
nom-de-plumes for discretion, but nothing is without design.

structure: There exists a natural mapping of certain aspects of the
Hindu pantheon to the Star Trek Pantheon. Liber 777 etc.
The Enterprise & her computer systems represent Brahman or
pure impersonal consciousness, descending from Brahman are the
personal productions in three-fold aspect of Shiva, Krishna
& Vishnu corresponding to Spock, Kirk & McCoy. That entity
which is known as the limitation holder is absent from
these descriptions. Not to go *too* much into it, it is
interesting to note that the major villains were the
Klingons (cling ons).

Our mission: to boldly go where no man has gone before.

entheogens: DOB on tabs `butterflys', the full 36 hour experience.
LSD red/green dragons 200-250 `mikes' (micro grams).
HEMP `Number One', the Pure Sattiva.
N2O clean & copious.

waiver: These stories are neither embellished or embroidered.
They are meant to be textual pointers to experiencings
in the possibility space of all experience.
'Are you experienced?' follow these threads & find out!
The experiences are not unique & can be experienced time
& time again.

So here is the masculine archetype as instantiated in a male
human form talking about the tantric state of the feminine
archetype as instantiated in a human female form, my
language is not censored to any of the current paradigms.

The narrator's attitude is a follows:

The only politically correct position to hold is
'to be politically incorrect in all circumstances'

Since this was such a conceptual experience, along the
way various concepts will be fleshed out so that this
document could possibly be more than an orgy of
zen-zen obscurantism.

setting: Saturday, 22-July, 1995, Sydney, Australia.

Our housewarming, a groovy little scene that was
developing in the loft, combinations of amyl
nitrate & nitrous dioxide asserted their
idiosyncratic contributions, some rather well
selected techno set the pace, a whole lot of fun.

Unbeknownst to us, the house across the road was
also having a party, later in the night, slowly
tentatively, the parties started to merge, intermix
as more adventurous members from either side would
explore through the reciprocal mysterious doorways.

set: Nothing deliberate, this was a happenstance
serendipity. It was party time, penetrating
the far reaches of the meta-transpersonal
was put on the back-burner, *or so we thought!*
ba-boom, ba-boom, da-da-da-da...

the happening: Spock & a friend timidly explored the other party
dancing for a while & peeking around mysterious
corners & feeling all of about four years old,
eventually we scampered back to our own party to see
what brave explorers there were in loft-land, I saw
Kirk bouncing about, integrating.

A little while later, another friend was curious &
I said I'd go if he went & vice versa. We met some
intrepid strangers that were baulking at our front
door & we gave them a thousand blessings for their

There was a woman sentinel, or so we thought at the
other door, but we passed wihout getting eaten!
Once inside, dancing away, jumping about shyly greeting,
Spock worked up courage to explore the dining room &
kitchen space, the dark backyard was too void like. Wow!
Sat down in its bright light & sharp relief with a hot
tea, people came in & contact deepened. Vishnu came in
& plonked himself down, he gently chided me for
phenomenonlogical impropriety when I dropped the
LSD when I thought the DOB wasn't coming on...

kitchen Soon Uhura & another girl dropped by from *this*
party party & introduced themselves & we chit-chatted,
We identified, shared what alterants were were on &
somehow drifted into talking about consciousness &
psychedelics [funny that.. -ed.], risk, insanity &
responsibility. Vishnu started to roll a scoob of
his number one pure sattiva & he gently teased Spock
of gurudom. Spock retorted that putting on workshops
psychological or psychedelic at hippy festivals does
not a guru make, especially when he can't balance his books!

Uhura perked up at the talk of festivals, in this case
Confest, a great buddha-field of love, a matrix of pure
possibility that happens twice a year. We discussed Spock's
consciousness expansion workshops through radical shame
processing & that led to walking the great path of
Spirituality. This was Uhura's burgeoning passion. She was
about to embark on a Rajah yoga path with it's grades &
hierarchies & steps but she was also curious about entheogens.

heaven on Vishnu [ahem,Mccoy] & Spock talked about the nature of
earth Consciousness & spiritual paths & psychedelics capabilities
of being able to collapse space, time, history, lineage,
path & hierarchy. That we have done it & could do it again
should she be interested. About this time Kirk[Krishna]
arrived & the joint was being passed around. It was
thoroughly wicked stuff, a couple of draws & a massive
synergy erupted as the hemp earthed the heaven oriented
mind-space that Spock was in. Everything became very very
clear,the air became 'visible' as a profound clarity
developed. Spock marvelled at the orgasm of elegance that the
wired scoob paper represented, such minimalistic genius.

prescient Vishnu, said he had a question he always been meaning to
reminiscence ask Spock,about some rumours he had heard about some of
the workshops that I had put on at confest.He hesitated, I
reminded him that he could ask *any* question he cared to...
he was my friend after all...

'Ahh... Spock, I've heard that you've put on workshops
where the participants have paired off & made love
whilst you watched...'

This admittedly raised an eyebrow of the normally unflappable
Spock. He scanned all confests in memory, was there anything
remotely similar? there has been some pretty wild stuff, but
no not in all honesty anything that he could recall, some
tantric release in a hot-tub at easter with the toxic shame
game, yes... but that was about all.

This raised the voltage of subsequent dialogue. At this
stage there was McCoy, Spock, Kirk & Uhura in the kitchen,
Kirk & Uhura were only on the hemp & some alcohol, so was
McCoy, Spock was wired to gills as usual, another friend
had compared him to gary oldham's character in 'The
Professional', it was a harsh albeit accurate comparison,
more brown rice flagellation was long overdue. Spock could feel
a machine consciousXXXX coming on [obscure Aust. humour],
conversation was sparkling, Spock wanted to workshop, why
not? exploit the moment! Uhura was beginning to get tired
& cold & thought it time to leave, Spock thought that this
was a sadness & so asked her the following, it was to set
the tone for the rest of the evening:

'Do you realize the full extent of the
orgy of self denial you would be indulging
in if you choose to leave at this moment?'

It took a few repeated voicings before either the utterer
or the listeners could wrap their minds around about what
it actually meant. This clearly intrigued Uhura & also
Kirk & McCoy. The orgy of self denial was proving to be
a ubiquitous ambiguity, but was also much much more.

Conceptual Machine Consciousness, a micro-definition, consciousness
aside is a multidimensional dependent arising of complementary
dualistic opposites, one of these dimensions is the
human-god axis, at the human end, profoundly personal
be-ing at the other end profoundly im-personal be-ing.
The human end has great attachments & enmeshments to
self-interest & self-defining-self-limitations, the god
pole has no or little such attachments. Humanity is the
limitation holder for god consciousness. The Impersonal
God states can also accurately be called machine consciousness
because of the sheer impersonal nature of the reflexive
awareness, this probably has been clear as mud.

Conceptual Virtual Reality, a vingnette, the idea to follow is that
aside (II) this is already virtualised reality & the development of
VR technology in C20 is merely weak recursive humour which
has the virtue of providing some conceptual bootstrapping
languages to jack yourself out of the over-identifications
one has with the human projections. Another key thought
train is that of the virtual machine (a la IBM's VM op/sys)
the idea of homomorphic (structure preserving) mappings
of operating systems within operating systems. Everything
is a simulation, there are 'man-made' simulations & 'natural'
simulations to name but two. The full recursive glory of it
is a sight to behold. This is probably as clear as
mud (II).

It was one thing to assert the orgy of self denial it
was another to demonstrate it! What was she missing out
on if she left? I boldly asserted that we would collapse
all conceptual structures & that the tiredness & cold
was her subconscious resistance to awakening, her physical
need to go asleep was her psychic habit of sleep.

The party was dying down, we adjourned to the lounge room
where there was a comfy elle-shaped lounge & some warm
blankets. Spock was wired & on a roll & pressed forward

McCoy was feeling tired & there was no way he could
be pursuaded to stay, which is a pity because his
enquiry was in fact [Twilight Zone music please] a
prescient reminiscence of something that was about to
happen! When he found out later he kicked himself. Well
space & time & order *were* getting very plastic so it
is easily excused.

We settled down & Spock started to force the consciousness
of the group down particular tracks. We discussed the
orgy of self denial (OSD) in more detail. Spock was
radiating an area of effect of altering consciousness,
like the 10 foot radius concept of Dungeons & Dragons
role playing games, within which words were words of
power & transmitted energy. Shiva/Spock explained that
the OSD was a killing idea, a construct that you feed
into the machinery of the mind to close it down layer
by layer, it is a meta-programming device that works
particularly well with psychedelic mind states.

The OSD is a instance of the meta-concept of self
applied with a twist SAWAT, the other meta-concept is
self-applied SA. The nature of the it-ness is the
complementary dualistic dependent arising DA, every
assertion is it's own denial, taking the DA & the SA there
is derived the SAWAT of the OSD.

voodoo (self) Orgy & self Denial are a dependent arising, now
the orgy of self & the self denial self applied self
organised into having an orgy of self denial. To rephrase
the experiencer of an orgy forces into existance an
experiencer of denial, by folding the manifestations into
the same experiencer, there is the potential of an
unlimited self feeding loop, thus by having an orgy of
self-denial one self applies with a twist the attribute
of orgy to it's complementary negation which is denial.

For instance all Ascetics are in fact sluts of abstinence,
they just cant get enough of self denial, although they
would probably take a dim view of being called denial sluts.

Orgy & denial are opposing & complementary, when you actually
concentrate on the OSD, you start to see a paradox, because
if you start to deny yourself in a orgiastic fashion, then
you are having a orgy when you should be denying yourself
everything, so that should include the self-application.

If the self denial is so low key that the descriptor of
orgy is not accurate then the denial itself is inaccurate.
So the paradox is that the more intensely you self deny
the more you are indulging in an orgy of denial, BUT the
domain of the denial includes itself hence an apparent

Enough of explanation, feeding this into a psychedelified
mind as an object of contemplation can result in interesting
results because it's *almost* an impossible object to
instantiate. In the space that we were in, it's function
was to collapse the boundaries of the mind into 'Ekagrata'
or one-pointedness, the meaning behind Zippy the Pin-Head
cd // became clear. What the collapse represented was waves of
successive dis-identifications with personalities &
person-constructs. Rather than being set default to the far
ends of the directory trees, we had set default back to root

VR~R We were in the meta-representation of consciousness known
as the computing archetype, more easily referred to a Virtual
Reality. God is at maximum technology & we had disidentified
sufficiently from our productions/projections, such that our
distance metric from God was infinitesimal but *not* zero.
The nature of the it-ness is such that if you can self-organise
to be less & less then you generate more & more as the
complementary principle, God is a Generator Of Duality.

It became useful to understand that the space is infinitely
dense & that matter & form dance throught it's lattice nature
as knittings of logical structures, it was a CM-infinity
thinking machine.

Spock was already on line, Uhura & Kirk came online as well
we had all been off line so long, but why? Part of the
reason lies in the nature of the it-ness that underlies
all things. Amnesia in limited human form in the duration
of time is the cost of the timeless, impersonal unlimited
self-organisations of consciousness. 'Now' was the other side
of the tracks. We were in epsilon delta of god consciousness,
in a tight orbit around it, we weren't self organised the
whole way, blasting off those final infinitesimals requires
a lot of application, But were were in the space of god-selves
or in that region of the chain of being, we were set default
in some of the primary directories of being. Spock was in
the tree of Shiva instantiations, not that deep but deep
enough for the work at hand.

We were all substantially trans-personal, meaning dis-
identified from the layers of self+story+becoming back into
the dependent arising of these layerings: kernel consciousness.

Uhura became every-woman, all women, wildcard consciousness,
the Goddess, no particular mask of goddess or godhead, but
pure goddess, the state was fragile, she would oscillate
back to Uhura-ness at less or lesser layerings & we'd pull
her up, get her to focus on the OSD again. Kirk also was
fragile & Spock would fire off brilliant but now forgotten
to the narrator meta-programming loops, that would snap him
back to ekagrata. Only a trace of one remains '... I am the
write I have infinite capacity to write...', Kirk rattled
around in that one for a few minutes, d(Kirk,God) -> 0

Occasionally Spock would start to dis-organise & Kirk would
fire off a meta-epigram that would snap Spock back. As every
one stabilised, we would become a self-organising triad that
would repair each other, Vajrayana Group Mind. One particular
challenge was that in many ways we were not by inclination
attached to anything in particular *including* the self-
organisations we were in, no wonder god consciousness tends
to be thin on the ground.

Oh it's not There was a task at hand it became clearer, It was apparent
much,we call in Spock's chain of being, that there was a chain of command
it reality... as well & each level had it's missions & directives. The
theme of this convergence became clear: Consciousness
Expansion, but not just what we were in per se, so much as
attempting to upgrade the reality engines, a bit like
attempting to halve planck's constant.

The method that we were going to use was tantric sex at the
level of machine consciousness, God in in maximising
contradiction, stretching a rather large rubber band for
eternity, we were going to stretch it another notch. Now
the tantra we were going to indulge in was prior to chakhras,
it was at a meta-conceptuality in which chakras & their
asscoiated world-views were but imposed 'personalities' on
a 'micro-kernel'. It was computing surface, man-woman
machine consciousness.

We were in the domain of the highest tantra, the purest
dharma, in some ways the VR~R meta-representation is the
most boring of all world-views & meta-world-views, if
you are here for eternity, would you like to be a mainframe?
This is a trick question, which we'll not pursue here.

Spock communicated the nature of the project at hand &
Kirk & Uhura started to oscillate up & down their being
chains, Kirk had a wife & young child & Uhura has a lover,
Spock/Shiva exercised his nature & cut their identifications
Remember! that is in 'there-when', we are in 'here-now',
this is meta-transpersponal, impersonal cosmic work! remain
clear! Kirk asked Spock who in fact he was, Spock did his
best James Belushi Raised eyebrow & glared, Kirk caught
*himself* & understood, Spock imparted later that it was
his nature to conceal his nature from them.

We were to embark on a tantric threesome, but an impersonal
one. My ultimate goal was to condition the other two
sufficiently so that they could reliably enter into the
tantric union & remain organised at the machine consciousness
level without collapsing into mere human level coupling,
time enough for that! I would sit aside & be a monitoring,
correcting process ensuring that they achieved full union &
inter-penetration thus Vishnu's prescient reminiscence was
being made apparent.

difference To grok the background of what we were up to it's important
engine to understand the meta-mechanism of consciousness, which is
__ elegantly summarised by the ying-yang symbol. There aren't
/(o\ many rules per se, but the cosmic cost accounting is
\o)/ impeccable & ruthless. This 'it'-ness we call consciousness
is an infinite dimensional jewel of complementary dualistic
dependently arising opposites. possibility+limitation,
positive+negative, signal+noise, truth+untruth, light+dark,
something+nothing, buddha+mara, law+chaos, pattern+logrus,
yes+no, together+apart, identification+alienation,
remembering+forgetting, on & on they go, attributes
without end. The most subtle & sophisticated is the
dance of the male & female archetypes.

Consciousness is completely zero-sum, everythings sums to
that which is prior to zero, the nothing that prefigures
nothing. Once upon a time something happened & now you are
reading about it, not to go too much into what that something
was. Now just because it's zero sum does not mean that it's
nihilism, after all, you are reading this. It is possible
for the Possibility archetype to use the possibility to
configure the Limitation archetype so that expansion is
always possible, otherwise you wouldn't have read that

As above, so below, the higher I climb, the deeper I go,
this is the difference engine, this is thesis-antithesis
-synthesis express, this is the key to consciousness
expansion, God is in maximising contradiction. It's a
bit like keeping a rather large rubber band in tension
for eternity & occasionally attempting to stretch it
even further. Basically this involves going straight to
hell & burning some karma & the possibility radiates off.

It's all about comfort zones & increasing such, human be-ing
is a small envelope, god-consciousness is a rather large
envelope, it's a continuum & there are greater & lesser
human & god self-organisations.

Now costings come in three main types: paying in advance,
paying on the spot & deferring payment, this is combined
with the source of payment which is yourself or someone else.
Ideally but rather hard to pull of is paying on the spot
in every moment, zeroing karma with every breath, every
moment paying in full, or... 'every moment painful'

The goal of the nexus was to stretch the 'big rubber band'
another notch, to achieve this without frying ourselves in
the process, the method had to be paying in full for
every moment because if we let costings accumulate too
much them they'd overwhelm our self-organisations. We'd
approach the big-stretch by generating waves of duality of
increasing intensity & also increasing frequency of
polarity, a sort of polarity division multiplexing. The
net result would be a dual consciousness simultaneously in
heaven & hell & lost in neither, thus we would have the
ability to ramp up the intensity arbitrarily.

This exercising of 'as above, so below' would traverse all
dimensional aspects, but the one we were to focus on
primarily was possibility/limitation & using the possibility
to purely enter into the heart of limitation & thus set up
a self-feeding loop in ever increasing valence.

Back to Yes, back to the story, ok kids three deep breaths & lets
the trip! fire up the difference engine, with this meta-flesh sandwich.
Spock was driving the process, taking his cues from some
cosmic script, one line at a time, If he had read the entire
script, he would have probably terminated the project.

Timeless, eternal, bliss & understanding has as it's
dual experience in confusion & pain within time, so it
goes, the beautiful vision of unified, structured meaning,
peace, love & understanding has as it's dual random acts
of senseless violence. The motto of self-perfecting,
self-correcting, self-repairing vajrayana mind is
'the price of liberty is eternal vigilance'.

Pleasure & pain, the carrot & the stick, how to get the
process happening, there we were, two male principles &
one woman principle. I encouraged Kirk & Uhura to explore
each other But to keep in mind the cosmic accounting.
Shiva reminded Shakti that all parts of her body were as
sensitive as her clitoris & it had always been this way,
She could put herself into transcendent bliss if she
could remember how. Remembering & forgetting are a dependent
arising, Ananmesis about our highest identities was up on
the agenda.

Uhura/Shakti was our Goddess of Yes, the goddess has many
secrets, deeply personal, that is her nature. She can put
herself into this transcendent cybernetic bliss but has
resistance to do so, shades of the costing.

We would start off with the pleasure|pain dimension &
then shift to possibility|limitation

Juicy bits It took a while for Shakti to shed her clothes, she
spiralled in & out of personal|trans-personal & finally
a hand simply on her stomach was sufficient to convince
her that outer veils to contact needed to be shedded,
after all she was all clitoris. Krishna & shakti started
to kiss & caress, Shiva caressed as well & focussed on
a nipple, licking & sucking it, Shakti started to vibrate
as if beneath her skin was a thousand fusion reactors in
meltdown. The Shiva *bit* the said nipple, but more was
transmitted than the sensorial pain, for the costing of
the transcendent pleasure was being enacted & Shakti went
to the personal hells of pain & shame, but not for too
long & krishna & Shiva were there to catch her & bring
her back & ensure that her god-self-organisation did not
fracture, end of lesson one.

Juicy fruits The ying yang symbol packs so much in it's lithe form,
lesson two. each polarity has a small dot in the centre that is the
other, they dependently arise! perfectly imperfect always.
Male & Female self-organisations in amnesiac arrogance
both occasionally claim the lack of necessity of the
other, the impeccable accounting mechanisms will prove
both to be fools eventually.

We three consciousnesses divided 'this is it' between
us as intelligently as possible, Us blokes took on the
attributes of stillness, contemplation, impersonality
disembodied, pure intelligence & the Shakti took on the
active, vibratory, embodying, feeling aspects. It was
not a strict division, but we all had areas of

as above Uhura was sandwich between Krishna & Spock, Spock untuited
so below that the next level was appropriate, Uhura said 'What are
you? Ahhhhhhh....' as Spock inserted his thumb in Uhura's
vagina & his index finger in her anus, he then correlated
the finger & thumb one of either the basal or sexual chakras
as understanding dictated. Here was to start the fractalistic
interleaving of pleasure|pain such that there was instantaneous
continuous cost accounting for all dimensional modalities.
Uhura was in Heaven & Hell simultaneously & thus the amplitude
of the oscillations could increase without disaster.

There were periods of quietude, or rest & regrouping,
discussion of concepts, technically speaking were were still
in the domain of dry tantra, we were working up to full
gential or wet tantra. It was all proceeding smoothly.

Uhura was both the key & the lock, door, portcullis & gate,
her burgeoning understanding of the goddess archetype is what
defined the level at which we expanded consciousness, as
the male principles we sharpened our intelligence in keeping
her on track & catching her should a hell wave of the
reality engines assail her & cast her back into humanity.
For every wave of transcedent, transpersonal bliss was a
shadow of profound personal shame & pain, as above, so below,
the higher I climb, the deeper I go.

At one stage, Uhura impishly wanted Spock & Kirk to enter
more directly into the union, & whilst Spock said this was
technically possible in terms of mere merging of boundaries,
same sex tantra was a dead fuck when it came to exercising
the difference engine. We were in god consciousness, yes,
we could do anything, but! to what point? Back to the
Great Task & don't get distracted, besides Spock was in no
position to shape change as would be his want in such a

transylvannia Just because we chose the roles we played didnt't mean that
sexpress we couldn't drop them a little, Uhura honoured & worshipped
Kirk's Lingham, just as Kirk pleasured Uhura's Yoni. Spock
being Shiva, or was it Shiva being Spock? bit her on the
neck, not enough to draw blood! 'I've come to suck your
negativity...' Spock was using his impersonality to draw
out Uhuras personal negativity, so as a consequence she
could raise higher, he was acting as a negativity vampire
feeding on her costings & bolstering his meta-transpersonality
as a consequence, the old Buddha in Hell vaudeville routine.

The neck biting served two purposes, positive|negative
cost accounting & also the negativity draining. Uhura rose
higher, so that she|we could dive deeper, so that we could
rise higher, world without end.

We were working up to yoni-lingham wet tantra, which is
where the greatest work could be enacted, as there are
no finer nor potent tools to fire up the difference engine
than the penis & the vagina.

Shiva was encouraging Shakti to bind with Krisha, but
disturbingly she falling back into preference & person
construct & wanted to align with Shiva. Shiva much preferred
for the other two to construct the difference engine & for
Shiva to monitor it's engagement for full capacity.

Krishna was a little thrown by this & then destabilised
by a wave of his person-construction with it's threads of
wife & child. here now here now! Shiva cried, all else is
story! at least stay until I can benchmark the quality &
foundation of your god-consciousness, do you want to lose it?

But krisha could not be swayed, & he departed, ourselves
mutually bestowing honours upon each other. Shiva sensed
that the window of this working bee was closing, he had to
move fast. So only Shiva & Shakti remained, she was still
receptive although assailed by enmeshing tendrils from her
person constructs, for she too had a lover. Shakti would
have loved to have her lover here & so would Shiva, the
difference engine could be built again. Not that the
two of them could not build it, just... well call it a
tendency to the mad scientist/nutty professor aspect of
Shiva's make-up.

Ah Shakti, my Goddess of Yes, Divine Slut, whole universes
may sunder & fall & be recreated in the consequences of our
bliss, how many secrets do you have Shakti? Shakti did the
the standard trip of shapechanging to mothers, sisters &
lovers, asking directly of her secrets caused her to
threaten unleashing the gates of hell, such enquiry had to
be executed riding on a wave of bliss

Windows closing, dominos falling, Shakti was withdrawing,
pulled back by the earth-plane dreaming, we mind-danced &
this started the engine again, she would withdraw, Shiva
would re-awaken her by throwing all of his intelligence
into penetrating the dreamings of her person constructs.

The most profound workings awaited the wet tantra, we both
knew it, she was hesitant to take this final step for it
meant hells within hells & heavens within heavens. Shakti
orally worshipped Shiva's lingham working up to the deeper
interpenetration, she made passing comment that Shiva's
person construct had nearly burnt out all childhood shame,
the wisdom of the goddess, she shared some deep shame of
hers as well., whoops! an inhabitant of the house
our hosts walked through to the kitchen, Shakti was a
little mortified, we couldn't merge here!?

This got Shiva thinking of the costing strategies, of
gradated cognitive dissonance. Suppose shakti envisioned
her perfect love nest, the costings would then come in
pure, more lethal form, so by dispersing the costs into
dissonance with all aspects of her ideals, then a
more pragmatic dynamic would result, if harder to kickstart.

Constructing an environment of being in public & not with
her partner of choice would be a firm foundation, if only
for the seasoned trouper. We repaired to my place across
the road, there were still fragments of party around, we
didn't repair to my bed-room but socialised, Shiva was
losing the plot as well, oh well...

Time passed, it was hard to relate at a human level with
the other party goers, we left the house & enjoyed the
morning, we embraced & kissed tenderly our forms dissolved,
we merged, our cosmic circuitry became apparent, space was
solid & matter spacious, Shiva wanted to finish the task &
could perceive the chain of being above him & all the
levels & layers of the Great Task that remained unfullfilled
That Shiva was not full blown ipsissimus Shiva, explained
part of the failure, oh well next time.

Seven hours after our first meeting, Shakti/Uhura entered
her car & left, we did not exchange phone numbers, now
regretted, at the time it was part of the retaining game.
One last look, sharply broken, away she drove, farewell
brave goddess!

Oh.. well, Uhura fell back into enfolded layerings of
person-constructs, hopefully some of her self organisation
would survive & more importantly she could transmit the
consciousness to her permanent partner.

It had been an eventful night, Uhura|Shakti did taste
her goal of the nature of enlightenment, Vishnu & Shiva
were successful at least in their claim of collapsing,
albeit temporarily, time & space, history, path, lineage
& hierarchy.

One must not neglect that jewel, the Orgy of Self Denial
many of the dimensions of its meaning were demonstrated
as we oscillated up & down the axis of god-human, each
self organisation has it's strengths & weaknesses, remaining
purely in human & deny your god nature, remain purely in
your god nature & deny your humanity, being division
multi-plexing suggests a way.

Well... there was no shakti, remaining, quite appropriate,
BUT, there were the daisies, ah... the daisy, such a vibrant
zero-sum flower, looks beautiful but smells like shit, self
contained. I started to enter into some of my layerings as
well, not too many, thank god. I contemplated them & the
atmosphere became DMT-vibrant, Flower samadhi was at hand,
tantric union with the flowers, it was consensual,
we collapsed together, flowers poised in my third eye.
The flowers are 'Yes' creatures to be sure.

More can be written but we'll leave it at that.

conclusions: The best parties happen in the kitchen, proof positive.

When windows of opportunity open then leap through, don't
drop the ball, GO!, GO!, GO! & don't look back.

I have always said a God that could not express everything in
words is not much of a God. We'll I'm no God. There is so
much that could be written about that convergence & so much
that has been overlooked or forgotten, no matter, some of the
flavour has come through, this was not meant to be a door

This work will continue 'when the stars are right',
evolving consciousness towards being-division multiplexing
along the chain of being will ensure that the frequency
of the waves of amnesia & anamnesis monotonically increases,
thus eternity in time, forever.

It could be asked what exactly 'powers' the great cosmic
mainframe & keeps it going, there are answers, but they
are beyond the scoping of this report, the holder of
limitations is a referent however.

Sometimes I wonder what the point is in sharing these
stories As I struggle to find compact clear expressions of
the unfolding stories & then I remind myself that this is
cartography of the possible & the forgotten & is my & our
commonwealth. It also has the virtue of putting in very
sharp relief the nature of my daily earth bound follies
versus the real work of Consciousness, thus it is a
sobering activity that refines clearer intent for myself.

aftermath: Hard to trace, total conceptual violation without violating
at this level of substantiality is not everyone's cup of tea.

In fact it's about as popular as Lapsang Souchong.

Spock has had no reports from either Uhura nor Kirk, having
met neither before this convergence, it would be interesting
to see how much of the expanded consciousness has remained
since that Saturday night, the price of liberty is eternal
vigilance after all, but as the Americans are finding out
who guards the guardians? The states we were in were
fragile but profound, fresh-born like the cicarda from his
shell, unfortunately the window of convergenence closed
before we could stabilise in the new self-organisations,
this is not an atypical scenario for this type of work.


'effort is spontaneous' as Sri Maharaj Nisargadatta would say.


*This time*

---------------------< tantra does it better every time >-----------------------

These notes were hastily cobbled together in the aftermath of the experience
they provide some guidelines as to how to go about the style of tantra that
manifested during the workshop, it's probably as clear as mud, enjoy!


I bow to the Lord

() Lord Shiva is a Karma Killer
(*) Portable Dharma, always, in all ways
(A) Tantra does it better every Time
(B) english is now sanskrit
(C) for every moment, pay in full.
(D) for every moment, paid in full.
(E) ...every moment, painful...
(F) pay in full, painfull
(G) paid in full, painfull.
(H) orgy-self-denial
(I) The orgy of self denial ('self applied with a twist')
(Ia) When you have nothing better to do, have an orgy of self denial.
(Ib) God is an Orgy of Self Denial
self orgy denial
/ / /
/ / /
orgy--denial self--denial orgy--self

(L) Killing ideas:... consider luke skywalker in the final scenes of
Star Wars when he is the jet fighter, travelling down the surface of the
'Death Star' getting ready to shoot a missile down a cooling duct
straight into the thermo-nuclear reactore core, those missiles
(missives) are by way of analogy 'killing ideas'. Now '
(M) Good tools: a dictionary, for definitions, a thesaurus for associations,
& a good dictionary of synonyms & antonyms.
[BASIC & fundamental spiritual texts]
(N) Basic taxonomy of ideas:
(a) 'Ideal' (here,now) versus (there,then)
(b) 'Horizon'
(O) TSG: (Toxic Shame Game) (Tantric Sex Game): Same Game, Different
Aspects Vanessa was (is, will be) a fast learner, but a *bad* student.
(P) As above, so below
Heaven on Earth
Dependent Arising
(Q) AS ABOVE ... english is now sanskrit (see what I mean? SWIM)
(R) Sharpness is it's own reward.
(S) I am the writer, I have infinite capacity to write what I like,
what do I want to write?
(T) My research sessions are either zen-austerity or low level background
wobbling, low level background wobbling is my preference to remind me
that it's all arbitrary.
(U) The cosmic battery; maximising contradiction. (+-)
Heaven on Earth (+/-)... God maximises contradiction
(V) Instant Karma, cash on the nail, paid on the spot, spot fines,
spot loss, Instantaneous Karma, for every moment, deal with it as it
arises, fully pay the cost & do not defer payment, for when collection
day come s you'll not be a happy being, 'Invest in Loss' as the Taoists
would say.
(X) The problem with very compact dharmas is that they can be hard to
understand this is not because the esoteric is cyphered into the
exoteric, so much as you have to put a lot more work into the
'reading',either that or it's just badly expressed... the author
has no time for concealed teachings
(Y) The commonality of the complementary dyad 'esoteric:exoteric' is
'sx'; sex..
(Z) Everything is much ado about nothing. (+)&(-) arise out of (+/-)
which arises out of nothing ().
(AA) Every moment is constructed of both positive & negative qualities,
the positive is the cost of negative, the cost of the positive is the
(BB) The beauty of 'Orgy of Self Denial' as opposed to 'The Agony & Ecstasy'
is that the dependent arising is self applied thus linking them in
an obvious way, whereas the connection between agony & ecstasy is
nebulous, especially given the self's self interest.
(CC) 'Orgy of self denial' is a special killing idea [machine] if it
is used as the object of contemplation in a meditation, however brief.
(DD) The portfolio of costs can be extensive, for instance it can be spread
over many forms in space & time.
(EE) This Something Happening Scene invites you to an Orgy of Self Denial
(FF) This is a transcript of the original notes following the Sunday
Workshop all that you *really* need to know about tantric sex
(to get started)
Tantra does it better every time.
every moment: pay in full, paid in full, painful
remembering is the dependent arising of forgetting.
forgetting is the dependent arising of remembering.
Dry Tantra, Wet Tantra, Slut Queen, Slut Goddess, the Goddess of Yes,
slave slut, the Cosmic Slut, the Divine Slut, beautiful in your
entry vector: 'An Orgy of Self Denial', Slut & Abstinent
(Ascetic are a dependent arising, most (humourless) ascetics
conceal from themselves that they are absolute sluts of abstinence,
they cannot just get enough of it
(abstinence that is...)
Bankrupt slut, slave slut, pleasure slut, sensual slut, slut &
shame are a dependent arising, are you fully willing to pay the full
price of shame?
Shiva-Shakti pure form tantra, bypassing all known systems, always.
Female shakti, tantrika partner requested for male tantric slave
dependent arising to the left & the right, master & slave are a
dependent arising, enslave your mastery & master your slavery.
Limit it to spiritual & psychic pain, leave the 'window dressing'
far far behind. This is best practiced in tantric sex, constantly
reminding the woman to pay for her pleasure (the middle path),
immediately on the spot, full payment, not dispersed over space &
time & compartmentalisation, focussed, localised in one spot,
immediate, no procrastination, no excuses, no retreat from the full
owning of her pleasure & it's cost. With practice
of instantaneous cost you can generate *infinite* pleasure.
The cost may be dispersed over time,space,self-dom,events & other
dimensional attributes of consciousness.
The highest tantra is all about paying for every moment, in the
moment, in the moment all the (+)'s are the cost of all the (-)'s
& the (-) 's are the cost of all the (+)'s.
The man gently & lovingly & patiently, with a commitment to Woman's
Highest Good, corrals & clarifies the woman's relationship to her
pleasure & helps her integrate the costs of the pleasure.
As inevitably night follows day, the 'cost' can be expressed in
many forms, pain, shame, hesitation, attachment, enfoldment into
personal humanity,etc.
The name of the game is transpersonal liberation.
The man can act as a negativity vampire for the woman, draining
negativity out of her gentle bite/suck/lick, inflicting pain with
The Shakti is infinitely self-deceptive, infinitely clever, she
will seek to procrastinate, delay, limit, withdraw from the systematic,
relentless generation of unlimited pleasure. Totally focussed on her
*highest* good, always, in all ways is the shaktiman.
The ultimate aim & beauty of tantric sex is to maximise contradiction,
to build a bigger battery. There is no better way to understand
dependent arising.
*even god is a dependent arising* when such consciousness complexes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fully remember & understanding this,
then expansion is again possible.
(GG) every moment painful; paid in full, an orgy of self denial.
(HH) The work is hard & demanding for the male as he bends all his
intelligence, wisdom,subtlety & sensitivity, concentration & focus on
keeping the female on track as the cost of the pleasure will manifest in
multi-dimensional myriad ways & this will increase as the ability to
generate increases.
(II) The shakti will not reveal her secrets willingly, you must firmly but
gently keep pushing, keep penetrating... the deeper the shame cost
generated the greater the risk of violence, especially.
(JJ) Of all the myriad manifestations of the the nature of dependent
arising, that infinite dimensional much ado about nothing, the most
deft, the most wonderful must be the tantric union of a male & a
female intelligence.
(KK) There are levels of skill & understanding about the process of tantric
union & there is a particular art in 'constructing' the cost for
the woman, the shakti will tend to the thoughtform of the the 'ideal'
nest of circumstances within which she can fully let go or release
or relax into the process, BUT if such an arbitrarily high 'appropriate'
environment was constructed all that would result is that the cost
would manifest in other areas in a more intense manner, there is no
such thing as a free lunch.
(LL) Thus given a 'shopping list' of desirable attributes for building an
environment for surrendering totally to the process, what you can do
is subtley create 'congnitive dissonance' with all items on the list
& what that does is spreads or offsets the cost into more harmless
areas. For instance the shakti (& it's 9 times out of 10, shakti
derived) may wish to do it in intense privacy with her partner-lover,
thus to spread the cost out she would do it with a different partner
with her usual partner sitting by observing, also doing it an audience
present [an aware audience] would disperse the costs considerably,
without deflecting or avoiding the costs, it can get very, very subtle.
(MM) As above, so below, much ado about nothing, every moment, pay in full,
every moment painful, is the message getting through?
(NN) In particularly intense sessions, whole universes may be created &
destroyed, the stars will fall out of the skies, mountains will subside
the eath will quake, as the cost of the positive that is created...
this is a taste of the potential, the portfolio of costs can be deftly
managed & the costs are best corralled nearer the source of the
(OO) The masterfully contrived & deftly administered killer concept is a
thing of joy & beauty forever.
(PP) This is it, right here, here & now, not lost in there-then & the
visscitudes of person, self & history, this is of critical importance
to the process of the highest tantra.
(QQ) You can have tantric sex with any object or being but... the highest
voltage is between male-hu-man-be-ing & fe-male-hu-man-be-ing.
(RR) The only thing stopping you having tantric sex with a bunch of daisies
is your disbelief that you could have sex with a bunch of daisies!
Don't knock it until you try...
(SS) The highest tantra is dedicated to consciousness expansion &
consciousness expansion is about maximising contradiction
harmoniously & consciously.
(TT) There are many apt expressions or meme sequences that can be used to
extract your self from the dreaming, the 'orgy of self denial' is
pretty damn good. Take the expression 'everything is meaningless',
a fine mantra so long as you rigorously apply it. Negative nihilists
use it to justify acting out all sorts of negativity, the mantra is
best if universally applied & self applied. 'Nothing matters' & that
also includes the negative voices, thus you can not give life to them
with equal a plomb as you would not give life to the positive voices.
(UU) Dr Frankenstein & his lab assistant Igor are also an example of
dependent arising. Consider a being that is straight & true &
beautiful then that will have a dependent arising that us twisted,
bent, false & ugly, but is the positive being so honest as to own it's
own dependent arising?
(VV) The beginnings of Cosmic Love is when you start to own the dependent
arising of Love which is Hate. When you start to love your hate &
acknowledge it's intimate connection with love then cosmic love
is born, by loving your hate you dont have to act it out or give it
life, just own, acknowledge & embrace it.
(XX) The highest tantra is about Cosmic Intelligence Activation.
(YY) Dry tantra can be practiced anywhere & is about 90% of the
(ZZ) This is the last statement (for a while).

Exp Year: 1995ExpID: 31064
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Feb 19, 2004Views: 47,747
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DOB (19), LSD (2) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Sex Discussion (14), General (1)

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