Citation: Numbgirl. "Still Trying to Wake Up: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy), Alcohol & Amyl Nitrite (exp31158)". Erowid.org. Mar 17, 2004. erowid.org/exp/31158
At the age of 22 I had been only mildly involved in recreational drugs, using cannabis at University only rarely. Newly single I was much more interested in going out and getting competely inebriated in cheap student bars. Booze and boys were my biggest vices and life in general was sweet.
I invited various friends and some of my siblings to accompany me to a local comedy venue on New Years Eve 04. The night progressed and it was with anticipation that I acquired a pill from one of my house guests with the intention of taking it after the stage show had finished and a livelier and more user friendly environment found. As a novice user the only preparations that I had made for the experience was an empty stomach and two bottles of cheap house wine. However the night proved to be a good one and carried me through until new year's day where one of my friends and I decided to move proceedings on to the local pub for opening time where we downed a few vodkas to take the edge off the looming black cloud that was slowly starting to apppear above our weary heads.
The next day I returned to work feeling slightly worse for wear but functional nonetheless. I returned home ready for nothing but slumber. A phonecall from an ex boyfriend promising drinks and a night out soon put an end to that notion. We did the usual crawl of the local bars and then a group of us headed over to a small dingy venue intending to funk it up with a bit of soul and motown. There I took two tablets and did some poppers. I felt more alive that night than I have ever felt. I remember thinking that I was the most sensuous and wonderful person in the whole world and everyone else around me was looking and sounding fairly amazing too.
We returned to the flat where my ex boyfriend was staying after stopping en route to pick up some alcohol. We put on some tunes, had some drinks and I took another pill. The rest of the night and following morning was just a hazy blur of mindless nonsensical chatter. I remember waking at 11pm after being asleep for a few hours and deciding that it was a good idea to get home.
I slept that night, waking often due to involuntary twitching from my aching limbs. At 9am the next morning I rose to find myself water. Upon one mouthful of it I must have retched up what must have only been alcohol and most of my stomach lining.
The next day I was due back at work. I had that looming sense of dread that had been apparent a few days earlier. However I had a surprising amount of energy even if I felt a little spacey and not quite myself. I attended work again the next day. Everything was fine until late in the afternoon. I suddenly felt the most searing pain across my brain. I felt physically sick and thought that I was going to pass out. I screamed to a colleague to call me an ambulance.I really thought I was having some sort of stroke and was dying. After a few minutes the pain subsided and I was left feeling nauseous and dizzy. I went home after deciding against going to the hospital.
The days which followed this are a blur. I remember flashes of light across my eyes, even when they were closed and the feeling that everything around me was spinning. I felt completely depersonalised as if watching myself from afar. After ten days of this I decided to visit my doctor as I was worried that I had done lasting damage to myself.
I have since had to move out of the flat which I share with my friends and return home to live with my parents as I cannot live independently. I cry constantly. I feel that some part of me died that night. It has left me and will never return. Exactly seven weeks on from the night it happened I write this. These feelings of unreality have not gone away. I have gone from being someone who was the life and soul of the party to a shell of a human being. I had never had any problems with depression or any psychiatric disturbances before I took ecstasy. I can't believe this is me. I now face the prospect of being on medication for the rest of my life, that's if antidepressants work for me at all because at the moment there seems to be little reprieve from the horror that I'm going through. All that I wish to say is be sensible with your dosage and don't mix with alcohol or any other substances. Millions of people take ecstasy with little or few adverse effects. The horror stories about lasting psychological problems from just one night are also few and far between.
Taking ecstasy is a gamble that will pay off for most recreational users who will have the night of their lives. However I am proof that heavy use on only one single occasion can trigger something deep and sinister in a formerly happy and balanced individual. I fear that one night of hedonism has cost me a lifetime of happiness. I only hope that others do not pay the same hefty price.
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