DOSE:

120 ml

oral

Ayahuasca

(tea)

BODY WEIGHT:

140 lb

Session 3

The final rape, the eternally raped, the black snake of self destruction which is a virus that can destroy us all or can transform into the seeds of our salvation, skydancer, dreamweaver, giving up everything for love

Dosage: 120ml.
Physical Effects: Extreme lethargy, unable to move off the mattress for most of the trip, diarrhea, some nausea on the ride up but no actual vomiting.

Intention: Please free me from my pain. Please show me how to be strong enough to carry the constant pain of human existence. Please show me how to be strong enough to live, to be the fountain I want to be to my tribe, to the human race.

I had a lot of trouble getting the Ayahuasca down this time. When I went up and asked for 120 ml, L (one of the facilitators) shook his head and said, in his lovely spanish accent, 'you are all masochists.' When the session guide refers to your dosage as masochistic.....

The Ayahuasca hit really fast this time. It clobbered me in about 20, maybe 30 minutes. Shimmering, iridescent visuals. Apparently I was very vocal as I came up. I remember crying, I was told afterwards that I was also laughing hysterically, and making sounds of childlike joy and what sounded like moans of pleasure. I have no recollection of any of this. The following exchange apparently occurred, although I do not recall it:

L: 'Are you OK?'
Me: 'Hi!'
L: 'You are OK?'
Me: 'Oh, yes!'

It's interesting to hear this, since a lot of where I went initially was very painful. The Ayahuasca seized on something in my guts and with a physical rumbling in my bowels, I looked deep within and discovered the final rape I had forgotten. My friend, Storm, on a night I spent at his apartment. He was supportive when I was broken hearted over my first boyfriend dumping me. He used to call me his 'Mush-Mush' for what a sentimental, loving, emotional creature I was. And that night, while I was asleep, he raped me. He did admit it the next day.

I was filled with self loathing, with anger and pain. I began to claw at my genitals at this point, wanting to remove them from my body, wanting the stain to be gone, wanting to remove my clitoris with my fingernails. I realized this was a Bad Plan(tm) before I did irreparable harm to myself, thankfully, and was only a bit sore the next day, not actually mutilated. At this point, the rumbling of diarrhea was pretty awful. I thought I had shit myself and was helpless to actually move and clean up. It turned out later it was only gas, thankfully. At this point, I was absolutely disgusted by my body, by my humanity, I despised every fibre of humanity, of the poison that could make someone pose as my friend and then rape me. To my further horror, I saw clearly into his mind and realized that he loved me, that in his mind he truly was my friend and just could not control his sexual desire for me, and somehow that made it worse, sickened me further, to realize that he do that to someone he genuinely loved.

At this point I was very aware of D, somehow. We were entwined, our souls wrapped around each other, and I saw backwards in time, glimpses of other lives, the strong sense that we had known each other before. I was the woman who she sent the Empath dragon to, and I felt my sanity shatter at the sendings of the dragon.

I saw my Mother's face, filled with sorrow, saw her facing everything she did to me when I was a child and how desperately sad about it she is now. I saw the twisting black serpent in my second chakra, in my guts, in my groin, I saw that the pain in my lower right abdomen is purely psychological, it is the black snake of my own potential for self destruction.

I now see that the next part is a metaphor, at the time it felt like Truth, but I now realize it to be a metaphor. I felt the back of my skull, my neck and found a lump that I realized is an alien implant. I realized that I have been programmed by the aliens with both the salvation of the human race and its destruction, that I am a ticking time bomb, that I carry in me a meme, a virus that can spread to anyone I touch, anyone who's life intersects with mine.

The darkness began to overtake me at this point. I chose Love. I began to sing 'Come What May' as I died. It was a gentle, slow death compared to the others but I felt it as a true death, once again, I thought that I was truly dying and would live no more. I gave up everything for love, I chose love, love for C, B, I, for the entire human race. I murmured, 'I will twine roses into your hair as you kill me.' RWP was there, somehow, I was passing through him, crying as our hands were unable to quite touch.

Lots of Christ imagery here, which is kind of embarrassing, but hey, there it is. I was not dying for humanity's sins, but I was dying for humanity's pain, and I was choosing love over everything else in my life, even the specific individual humans that I love. There was nothing left of me but love, no thoughts, just an endless ocean of love.

And as I passed through death and into Everything, I began to cry in pure joy. I was singing out loud and whatever it was, it was beautiful. I was beautiful. I knew myself for an eternal, radiant soul, a lightweaver, a skydancer, a radiant bird of light and fire, a sweet, gentle catling, the eternal child. I opened my eyes to a bright light and realized that the moon, the crescent moon was crowning me.

I saw myself through the eyes of my tribe, through Johnny's eyes, through the eyes of random people who see the mythical being in my eyes. I saw how gently many treat me, how much I am loved. I realized that my death would echo across a lot of lives. I saw that even many who are exasperated by me still love and respect me, that they shake their heads over my exploits but are still amazed by my adventures, by who and what I am.

Having given up everything for love, love filled me. I saw my heart as a star, as a chalice, a fountain that receives love straight from the heart of the Universe, that is powered by the All, by Everything.

I came back. Time sequences for how the trip intersected with the physical world are absolutely impossible to nail down. I know that at some point L walked by and said 'I hate to interrupt anyone, but I want to encourage you all to go outside at some point, it's really beautiful tonight.' I remember opening my eyes and seeing how glorious the stars were. I went to the bathroom and yet another hilarious bathroom sequence occurred. Jonathan was locked in the bathroom furthest to the right. I could hear him through the door, calling out to me, 'Catling, please help me. I'm trapped. Please get me out.' I somehow thought it was B. L did, too, and said 'You don't want to go in there.'

I replied, 'I'm trying to save him, trying to get him out. Can't we get him out?' I kept trying the doorknob but it would not open. I actually began clawing at the wood of the door, somehow thinking I could tear through and free him that way, but L and AD stopped me before I hurt myself. After I was convinced to leave him, he was rescued from himself: in his altered state he had accidentally locked the door and couldn't somehow realize that fact and get out.

I did go outside. Some song about the wolf woman's journey was playing and I lay on the ground, entranced by the night sky. It was an absolutely magical night. Utterly beautiful. I fell in love with everyone and everything. The stars felt so close, I felt like I could touch them, pluck them from the sky and wear them as a necklace. I fell into the sky for a long time.

I went and stuck my Valentine's Day card under B's door, realizing that it was now Valentine's Day. I encountered him right after this and we sat together, talking a bit of what we had seen. There was a new quiet, tenderness between us that was completely non-sexual. I realized that I would have to continue to give him space and somehow, this was no longer a source of pain for me.

He wandered off to bed and I wandered off to find Vesper and Jonathan and proceeded to inform them that I had fallen in love with them. It all seemed to be mutual. Jonathan was being very catlike, Vesper and I agreed that we both thought of him as a leo at times. He was very cuddly, he came and lay with me, putting his head on me. It felt like we kissed several times although we didn't, physically. I was very aware of his, Jeremy and Vesper's souls, all very beautiful, deep, strong. There was such love between all of us, the Ayahuasca had woven us into a family.

We talked about all having children together, raising them as a tribe, not even keeping track of who's genetic material is in which child. We all liked the idea of being able to live together with all the barriers melted, being able to live with such love and trust.

Vesper, Jonathan and I wandered down to have soup. I was only able to manage a little bit. We decided to make Valentines for everyone, but then they were too tired. I made one for A, and one for someone else, and somewhere when I was touching up A's, I passed out in my watercolors. I don't think I was asleep for long, but I did wake up with paint smeared on my face.

I headed back up to the Ayahuasca temple to retrieve my blanket and stopped on the way, seeing squirrel monkeys, tons of them, dancing in the trees, chittering to each other and leaping from branch to branch as the sun rose behind them, painting the sky with rose and flame. I laughed in delight and then went up the temple. I ended up lying down on the mattress and sleeping there, with the glorious sunrise before me. L and AD were there, sleeping.

When we all woke up a few hours later L put on the song that we have all come to love so much, Beth Nielsen. I lay on the mattress and cried in joy, cried for everything I've given up and everything I have gained from the sacrifices.

'Only the ones who believe ever see
What they dream
ever dream what comes true.'
-Beth Nielsen

Another song quote that seemed to fit the experience is:

'The greatest tragedy is love lost.
But the greatest virtue belongs to those who will give everything to love again
It is a test.
...
There is always love
And the strongest and the bravest will always keep it close to them
For if you surrender hope, then love was right to leave you.'
-Cruxshadows

Exp Year: 2004	ExpID: 32015
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Mar 29, 2004	Views: 10,515
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Ayahuasca (8), Banisteriopsis caapi (169), Psychotria viridis (170) : Group Ceremony (21), General (1)