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The Harsh Healer
MDMA
by Jamshyd
Citation:   Jamshyd. "The Harsh Healer: An Experience with MDMA (exp32855)". Erowid.org. Apr 22, 2004. erowid.org/exp/32855

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DOSE:
0.5 tablets rectal MDMA (pill / tablet)

BODY WEIGHT: 120 lb


My relationship with Ecstasy is one of the true love-hate types. In retrospect, however, I would say it was a beneficial lesson. I have 2 experiences, one taking place at the end of August, and the other taking place in the middle of September (2003).

The experiences were derived from a single pill split in half. It was given to me by a friend of a friend (literally) from his personal stash. He says he knew where exactly the pill was synthesized, but that was probably b/s. I just found it amusing. It did look peculiar though: Highlighter neon-pink, not too large but rather fat, very solid, polished, domed, and better pressed than many pharmaceutical pills out there. It had a heart-and-arrow logo printed on it unlike any heart-and-arrow logo I have seen on pill reports.

Interestingly, he also told me that it does contain Caffeine and Ephedrine, however it also contained a high dose of MDMA, “the equivalent of two pills” – but I took that with a grain of salt too. I have no way of knowing the exact dosage, however I suspect it is likely at least 150mg – I wouldn’t be surprised if 75mg did what they did since I am VERY sensitive to ALL the Phenethylamines I tried (even Methylphenidate). [Erowid Note: Methylphenidate is not a phenethylamine]

A final note: At that time I was suffering from a Social Anxiety Disorder that had crippled me for the past few years.

The first time I decided to take the half-pill rectally. The come-up period was really strange. It was very difficult to tell when exactly I left baseline. It happened somewhere within half an hour, and developed until it became fully noticeable at around T+1:00. I was alone at home and listening to music. I didn’t notice that music changed much, but it did seem a bit more ‘intense.’ I threw that away as placebo. At this point, I decided I will take a quick bus ride downtown, and I did. As soon as I was on the bus, I knew I was on a totally different level of consciousness.

Everything looked “friendly.” Everyone on the bus looked beautiful. It was unbelievable… hey all just radiated with subtle beauty. I also became aware of my body feeling extremely comfortable, in spite the alertness and stimulation I was experiencing. As soon as the bus started to move, I was overwhelmed by something that I had not experienced before. I called this ‘The Clockwork effect.’ I later discovered that DiPT and 2C-E can produce that, too – but none as strong as MDMA (to me, this effect is the primary effect of MDMA as a psychedelic). Basically, the movement of the bus was completely synchronous with the movement of the cars outside, which was totally synchronous with my breathing, which was totally synchronous with the movement of the trees outside, which was totally synchronous to the music I was listening to…etc. You get the point.

As I experienced this, my body became even more comfortable, the people became more beautiful, and for the first time ever – I was without social anxiety! When I reached downtown I walked between the crowds of people (who all moved in perfect harmony with everything else and with my own movement). I noticed many small details in the city that I have missed before: A grotesque (but beautiful) iron sculpture, a marriage proposal graffiti, a memorial plaque on an Art-Deco building…all just beautiful. Walking felt like floating, and running felt like flying. I can definitely see how this is so popular with dancing. I walked and walked, and ran when I had to cross the street. I then walked into a park and sat on a bench. That was at about T+2:30. My tape player got screwed up (the tape got caught in) and I simply could not work with it because I was too high. This was annoying since I felt very sober and yet performing moderately complex tasks was almost impossible. But it didn’t matter, I was having a blast! Too bad there was not much introspection.

There was no sensory effects at all. Sure, things were interpreted as being more beautiful, but when compared to other psychedelics this one was totally devoid of visuals during the plateau (there were some tracers during the comedown, though). There was nothing behind closed eyes. I then went back home and arrived at around T+3:00, where I felt like I was about to start coming down. By T+4:00, I was approaching baseline. I was, however, still very euphoric. I also had a lot of stimulation. However, sleep was possible at about T+7:00. The next day I felt a bit emotionally fragile, and yet surprisingly still euphoric. What totally amazed me was the fact that I was relieved from my social anxiety for about 5 days after dosing. Unfortunately, when this started fading away, the anxiety returned and it was WORSE than it was before. However, a week after that, it seemed that the anxiety receded back to “normal” – and yet I seem to be functioning a bit better socially than before I dosed. However, this severe fluctuation made me not too excited about trying MDMA again.

As for the second time, about half a month later, I was in a negative state of mind, and I was going to meet a dear friend that I had not met for a long time. I did not want to ruin his day’s visit with my negativity so I decided to take the remaining half of my Ecstasy pill, this time orally. I enjoyed exploring the rancid taste by chewing it a couple of times: it seemed to remind me of root beer, and yet it was also sour and extremely bitter all at the same time. I found that the come-up this time was more noticeable than the last time, to my surprise. There was some facial flushing and stomach knots that I did not notice the last time. All the nice effects of last time were there – until I arrived at my destination, about T+1:15. That is when the trip took an entirely new direction. I found myself suddenly extremely anxious with my friend (he was against drugs, and did not know that I was on Ecstasy). As confirmed later, he also never knew that I was high (my pupils don’t change with most drugs).

I realized I was pointing out every negative thing I can point out: The bus system the bus tires, the way the trees were planted, the box-shaped courthouse…etc. I also seemed enthusiastic about sharing my negative ideas (which defeated the whole idea behind taking the MDMA in the first place), I was extremely negative yet euphoric at the same time. I noticed myself twitching and shivering every now and then. As we walked around time (and I made his day worse), I began coming down. The weather got cold and I was considerably shivering – from the cold, the excessive stimulation, and what seemed to be a toxic reaction. As we sat in the park and talked (about T+5:00), I was now going BELOW baseline. My thoughts were rushing with feelings of guilt and negative self regard. I truly believed I had disgusted him and that I was going to lose someone that is so important in my life. I hated myself. I felt horrific. As time went on, this increased! It was in every way psychedelic and yet completely negative. It was almost traumatic. That night I sat in my bed, hoping to sleep, but not being able to do so due to excessive stimulation and the rushing thoughts of sadness, self-hatred, insecurity…and suicide.

I somehow eventually managed to sleep, and when I woke up I was not any better. All those horrific feelings lasted the entire day. I was so lucky I had some Opium at hand which I took rectally. It was the only way I could stop myself from committing suicide. By the end of the day I was much less depressive, and no longer suicidal. However I had severe social anxiety for the next week.

Interestingly enough, as a few weeks passed since that incident, my social anxiety RAPIDLY went away. Needless to say, I never took Ecstasy after that. Now, 6 months after that, I have virtually none of the anxiety that I had. I will not, however, jump to conclude that it was due to MDMA. There are two other factors that might have played a role: I spent the month of October on Buspar, but it apparently did absolutely nothing. I felt the same at the end of the month as I was at the beginning. It might have helped in some subtle way though. The other factor is the fact that the aforementioned friend and I grew much closer since then, and that was what I needed, since I had no real friends prior to this, and that probably contributed to my social dysfunction. I would say my improvement was due to all three factors, MDMA was a powerful experience, and it undeniably contributed to my recovery one way or another.

Exp Year: 2003ExpID: 32855
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Apr 22, 2004Views: 15,303
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MDMA (3) : First Times (2), Alone (16)

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