DOSE:	60 mg	oral	Amphetamines	(daily)
	25 mg	oral	Ephedrine	(daily)
	200 mg	oral	Ephedrine	(daily)

BODY WEIGHT:

245 lb

Adderall is my love and my betrayal. A few years ago, a friend offered me on of her Adderall pills, she was taking them for ADD. It was AMAZING! I have suffered from depression my whole life, and anti-depressants did little to help me. Adderall, however, took all my bad feelings away. I felt like everything was 'right with the world'. I was confident, talkative and I actually felt good about myself for the first time in my entire life. I got everything done that I needed to do, and as a mom of 3 and full time college student, I have a LOT to do! What’s more, I wasn't crabby or tired. I was compassionate and helpful and utterly ecstatic. I've never done ecstasy, but everyone tells me it makes you feel so loving to others, this is how Adderall makes me feel.

I went to my doctor and told him I thought I had ADD. I listed all the symptoms one is 'supposed' to have when suffering from this disorder, and feigned despair. I told him I 'didn't know what I could do' about this problem. He said 'Well, there are medications you can try, there's Ritalin, there's Adderall...'. I pretended not to be so delighted when I said nonchalantly 'Well, my friend takes Adderall for ADD, and I know she's had some success with it'. I also pretended to be very concerned about the effects of the medication and whether or not it was 'safe'. The doctor reassured me that yes, it is a combination of amphetamines, but still, it is safe when taken for ADD, which I'd convinced him I had. I walked out with my Rx for Adderall XR, 30 mg a day, and my life spun out of control.

At first, it was amazing. No depression, no anger, no bad feelings at all. I felt I'd found the wonder drug. 8-12 hours of walking on air. Everyone was so happy that my depression had finally 'lifted'. They didn't know that my 'new life' was contained entirely in a little orange pill. Very quickly, the effects got shorter and shorter. 6 hours, then 4, then 2. Now I take my pill every morning and feel pretty good for maybe 30-45 minutes. I also take handfuls of diet pills, mini thins and caffeine pills, just to stay awake and stop myself from committing suicide.

Usually, when my Adderall high wears off, I feel worse than ever before, knowing that I have to wait for the next morning to feel good again. Some days I end up taking another Adderall in the afternoon as it has long ceased to interfere with my sleep, but then I come up short at the end of the month. Since it's a very controlled substance, I cannot get my scripts written to me or filled before 30 days have passed since the last one.

Every day when my high wears off, I crash hard. I feel terribly depressed, hopeless, full of despair and very angry, annoyed, even hateful towards others and myself. Sometimes when I take mini thins or diet pills or caffeine pills to try to keep the high going. I get almost psychotic. I feel paranoid, jittery, uncomfortable in my skin, itchy, delusional, and my body feels like it is burning. I feel like all my nerves are exposed and being pinched by hot vice grips. Psychiatrists warn that excessive long term use of amphetamines can induce a state that is medically indistinguishable from schizophrenia--and I know they're right. I'm mean to people. I feel more tired than ever--more tired than even before I started on these pills. I'm drained, like a zombie, sitting there, stoned and unable to move.

Some days I can get through the day without my Adderall, usually when I've run out of my allotted 30 pills. Those days I have to take the other pills every hour or so. I get the manic/psychotic episode, but without the pills I cannot even get out of bed. I've tried to quit altogether. Those days I have been unable to move, I sit there frozen, staring and not seeing anything. I cannot drive without uppers because I have no reaction time and I cannot see clearly or focus on anything. Everything is in a haze. I feel so hopeless, sad, slow. I feel like I'm dead without my pills. I don't know if I will ever be able to quit, because with all the responsibilities in my life, I don't have the means to go into rehab or spend a few weeks in bed, catching up on all the sleep I've lost in these few years. I don't have much hope left.

Think before you go down this road.

Exp Year: 2004	ExpID: 33133
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jun 21, 2007	Views: 19,409
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Amphetamines (6) : Depression (15), Hangover / Days After (46), Post Trip Problems (8), Addiction & Habituation (10), Not Applicable (38)