Citation: little irish girl. "Sinking Emptiness: An Experience with Cocaine (exp34199)". Erowid.org. Mar 25, 2021. erowid.org/exp/34199
Starting around the age of 9 or 10, I can remember snooping through my sisters room, and stealing anything that looked like something she wasn't supposed to have, then finding out how to use it. I wasn't addicted, and I didnt know entirely that the mushrooms in our basement weren't normal mushrooms, and I didnt know thats the cigarettes daddy smoked weren't the same as the ones my sister and her friends smoked. Eventually my sister caught me and she smoked with me and explained to me the 'bad' drugs. No problem, I spend the next year just drinking and smoking weed.
I met my boyfriend, who had been heavily addicted for a while now. It was no secret that he did it, but it wasn't until we began doing it together that I really understood the severity of his habit. I was already bulimic, so I only weighed around 115 when I started (I'm roughly 5 foot). I grew increasingly skinny, to the point of 95 lbs at one point. We began by snorting a gram or so together when we saw each other, and it grew to saving little bits to smoke. I'd hit him, and push him away from me if we were waiting for coke, because I'd be shaking so bad, and I didnt want HIM. I wanted blow, and thats it.
I've come to the conclusion that you can't serve two masters. One Valentines Day, like two druggies in love, we bought 4.5 grams. The ectasy I felt when our dealer said he was on our way, I literally jumped in his arms. We stayed up all that night doing the fattest lines and smoking the biggest pasties. He took me outside and asked me to marry him. I honestly thought that cocaine had given me the most precious gift of my life. And it had, because I dont think he wouldve said that if he werent so happy. So high.
He broke up with me within the next week, and my habit increased severely. I was pimping myself out for coke, and was raped in the process. I've never felt so empty in my life. I didnt want to die and I didn't want to live anymore. I went as far as to see a counselor but all she could tell me is what I already knew--at least part of the problem was the coke. The sinking emptiness and feeling of worthlessness between sleeping with guys for money and dealing to these little girls in high school; these girl's lives I used to live. The overwhelming need to get off overcomes the feelings of guilt, the self loathing I have for manipulating someone's life, to take someones money so they can follow me down this path of literal hell.
Every good high I've had on cocaine, everything I have gained on cocaine- it's all been taken away. I recieve good things, but theyre always followed by worse consequences. And there's no way out. The manipulative nature I've grown so accustomed to has helped me gain everything and lose it all at the same time. Is it worth it, even now after all the crap thats gone on? Not really, but I dont know anything else anymore. Because waking up in the cold, naked and horribly 'hung over' and realizing what I'm going to do that same night for more, mentally it kills me. And I cant fix it easily. Not nearly so easily as it was to accept that rolled up bill and take my first line.
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