Citation: Indigo. "Dillusions: An Experience with Amphetamines - Dexamphetamine Sulphate (exp34239)". Erowid.org. Jul 8, 2004. erowid.org/exp/34239
Until now, I thought I was the only one on Earth mad enough to be addicted to something as horrible as Dexamphetamine. It is not ‘fun’ being on them, so why are so many of us torturing ourselves?
At age 13, I was diagnosed with ADHD – The inattentive type. I was easily distracted and very tuned out in class, until the day I was given a little white pill called Dexamphetamine Sulphate. I would take them before having to do something I didn’t want to do. The motivation and false enthusiasm was fantastic.
Stuffed if I can remember exactly when this bottle of sunshine turned into my worst nightmare, but I know it didn’t take long at all. I increased my dose from 6 tablets (5mg) a day to 15, which, somehow became around 30 a day by the age of 19. I remember taking them at midnight, staying up and doing meaningless crap, then going to work the next day with the mother of all anxiety, feeling mentally like sponge and literally unable to hold a conversation without falling to pieces. It was embarrassing. When I ran out, the anxiety went away and I was fine again, however I could not motivate myself… I was so used to having something to do that for me… The drug provided a false sense of enthusiasm, and I found without them, I could not be bothered doing a damn thing… I would just put it off until I could pick up the next bottle. During that time off them, I would binge on food and stack on the weight… This was an ongoing cycle, and I stuffed my metabolism completely. I hated the drug, but somehow still craved them, and looked forward to taking them.
Over the last year, I have cut down, but I still get anxiety and my weight fluctuates from size 10 to 14 on a weekly basis. When I’m off them, I am actually quite happy (once initial withdrawal is over), but I lack motivation towards everything, and find myself eating to get through the day… Before I know it, my pants are tight and I feel like crap, so I call my doctor and spin some story to get the next lot released early.
Last week however, I spoke up about my hell for the first time & told a friend. I’ve always felt quite ashamed about the whole thing, and found it incredibly difficult to tell her, but as a result I’ve ended up feeling incredibly relieved and more determined to ‘find myself’ again. I have an appointment to see a doctor next week and I plan on ‘dobbing myself in’ to the doctor who currently prescribes them.
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