Citation: Special Sam. "Good and Bad: An Experience with Ecstasy (exp3583)". Erowid.org. Nov 2, 2000. erowid.org/exp/3583
||(pill / tablet)
i swallowed one pill of XTC, one half hour before planned departure of friend's house. I made a phone call, and found my cousin who had agreed on accompanying me had felt sick. I persisted on going anyway, alone. and I arrived there 8:30.
A tall man named adam, who i instantly liked very much opened the door for me, and greeted me. i asked if he'd excuse my clumsiness, 'i'm a little on something tonight'. he laughed and pointed me to the entrance of the 'maze'.
the effect had just begun to increase, but i was completely aware of what was going on. at the exit of the maze i was greeted by a woman who gave me a beer bottle cap. i took it and put it into my pocket. the woman was perhaps fifty or sixty years old and dressed in a genie costume. I believe she called herself 'Madame' something. and i thought her to be somewhat 'weird'.
the thought never occurred to me that i might perhaps have been considered weird.
i climbed downstairs to get some water, and when i came back up i met a few other people who i considered to be very beautiful looking. i knew that this was the effects of the drug.
they met me with caution, and i wondered why. and soon i realized that under this drug, my appearance was almost frightening! i must have scared them with my exaggerated grin, and slow movements!
soon i realized that i had been talking too much, and entered back into the main room to receive my fortune read by the 'Madame'. she had given me a rock to hold in my hands and said that it was 'as old as the earth'. i sat as she stood behind me, and assumed she was waving her arms over my head. not knowing whether it was the drug, or her spells, i felt the ball wobblying in weight from light to heavy. soon after much concentration and breathing, i felt ONE with the ball, and almost as if i had put alittle soul inside of it.
i rested for awhile in a chair where i performed several experiments i always check on when experiencing a new drug. first was raising my legs as far as i could. i could raise it say two feet off the ground before it'd begin to shake. i put it down.
i remember humming songs to myself, more evidence of mental illness. but i remembered my grandfather, who i had long forgotten years ago, and how he's sing songs about the beauty surrounding him. i missed him deeply.
i've never acted this way. in fact i've always been very self- conscious of my behavior. it almost had seemed that everything that once 'editted' my life, was now gone. temporarily destroyed. all fear, or embarassment had now vanished, and i felt UNLOCKED. i felt FREE for the first time.
i didn't feel like Sam, i WAS my subsconscious, i WAS the 'unnamed spirit'. i was a seperate being from the cowardly 'Sam' who became the product of a conditioned society and had locked me up inside his brain.
the first thing i needed to do, i knew, was to dance. before you know it i was rolling on the ground dancing, then clawing at the rug in the room. soon i began BEATING the floor. (I'm assuming THIS is when onlookers began to feel worried about me)
The reason for such animal behavior, was that I, infact, FELT like an animal that had been taught by society to act 'human'. I felt like an ape in 'civilized' clothing. I began feeling my ANIMAL INSTINCTS, and the one thing that came to mind was, like a dog, digging a hole.
this all seemed very logical at the time. i assure you. under 'normal' law, this is CRAZY! but at the time i had felt 'normal' to be my enemy, 'normal' to be the product of years of fear, guilt and embarassment. i felt 'normal' to be disgusting lies. and even now, after returning to 'normal', i speak under embassassment and guilt for what i have done. in a way, i've come back to my senses. but in another way, i've built back up that wall, that 'disgusting barrier'.
when i felt fatigued, i finished digging lay on my back in relief. 'that felt good.' i told myself.
i looked up to see two figures. one man smirking an evil expression. i thought to ask if he was dressed as Satan or not for Halloween, but i withheld knowing that I might upset him. I felt guilt, and I didn't want to. It was unpleasant.
i heard the others say that 'when it gets this far, he shouldn't be here' as the man pulled me out. i agreed with them. i should have been in a safe environment, i shouldn't have been there.
but nevertheless i was disappointed when i was met with unfriendliness. the man was very harsh and very uncompassionate. i was experiencing a high high spiritual enlightenment, and this guy was being very very mean to me. i felt confused.
the man with the face of satan said, 'go' very simply. he walked down the street and i rested on the side of the building for awhile. he comes back and says, 'i told you to go. i left for awhile, and you're still here. what don't you understand? GO!'
i had thought to myself, 'THIS is your Temporary Autonomous Zone?!?! THIS is your place where one can escape the 'real world'? Where one man fufill his desires? Bey would be disappointed.' it was 10:20, and my spiritual exploration had been ruined.
i walked across the street and into a Thai resturaunt where the Thai people found me to be a homeless person and fed me free rice. i laughed. nothing of the sort had ever happened to me. At the table I reflected on my night.
this was one hilarious experience I never wanted to have again. i knew my moments in the secret theater to be very true, but understood how it might have scared the people who observed. I made a promise that I'd go home and do my homework, and that I'd never be a homeless druggy. I had decided on living an appearingly 'normal' life. like the RENDAN that Hakim Bey had wrote about. i wanted to be who i was, but i did not want to alarm the others. so i would follow their rules, while the entire time undermining them.
from the restaurant I made a phonecall to my Father who drove me home. by this time I was still feeling some secondary effects such as dizziness and serenity. but generally I could understand the situation, and easily respond to it. i had told my Father that I didn't really enjoy the show at the Theater, and had decided I'd had enough and wanted to go home. He believed me.
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