Citation: essence. "Fleeting Moments of Joy and Fear: An Experience with MDMA (exp36249)". Erowid.org. Aug 26, 2004. erowid.org/exp/36249
||(pill / tablet)
I am new to the rave scene, I find it intriguing. I am also new to trying substances other than weed, and so I have begun to experiment with ecstasy, and although my experiences have not been as positive as many reports I have heard, it has been an interesting sensation I wish to further experiment with.
My very first experience with ecstasy, and indeed, my first outdoor rave, was with only half a pill, and I only felt mild symptoms; a mild sensation of walking through marshmallow, the intense and insatiable thirst, and slight nausea. I was mesmerized by lasers and strobes and the music was enveloping, but I could see that my co-ravers who had consumed a whole pill each were, true to its name, ecstatic. My friend, C, who had taken the other half of my pill was experiencing nothing except nausea, and did not really enjoy the experience at all. However, after about three hours after ingestion I did embark on a taste and texture sensation with a banana. Exquisite!
My more recent, and more notable experience with ecstasy was at an indoor rave. The previously mentioned friend, C, who consumed half a pill, had furthered his experiences with the drug, and had consumed whole pills on various other occasions, well, he was there and he was the one who had obtained our 'party prescription' for the evening. My partner, S, was there, this would be his first experience with the drug and I was feeling jittery. I am prone to feeling small waves of nervous nausea at the thought of taking something that I know little of how my body, as an individual, will really react to (despite my extensive reading prior to doing these things) and I know that this is part of why I don't get the same level of positive response from substances, this feeling was also intensified because I worried about how S would react to it.
We took our pills on the dance floor, which was, needless to say, somthing that I was less than comfortable about and would not recommend, discretion is potentially safer. Half an hour after ingestion, I was feeling very little other than intensified jitteriness. S was on top of the world, he danced with such energy and kept kissing me with pure joy. I began to feel nauseous and asked S to escort me to the ladies. I refilled my water bottle and looked at my eyes. At almost an hour after ingestion my pupils were not at all dilated and I was feeling none of the positive symptoms that S and C were experiencing. I began to feel somewhat disheartened, but decided that my role for the evening would be to keep S and C plied with sufficient amounts of water.
I tried to make myself dance and smile, and after about fifteen minutes of forcing myself to get into the swing of it I needed to make a trip to the bathroom to refill my water bottle. As I turned I faced C who was dancing behind me, and I felt a slight wave of nausea hit me, and then another wave of what can only be described as marshmallow replaced the nausea and an uncontrolled smile formed on my face. I looked up at C and could see how happy (and sweaty!) he was. I reached up to touch his face, 'I'm finally there!' I cried to him. He hugged me. S was intensely focussed on the lasers and strobes and seemed entirely hypnotised by the music. I reached for him and we kissed for a while, it felt more pure than anything I've ever felt before.
When I returned from the bathroom after refilling my water bottle I still felt as though I was walking through marshmallow, but I couldn't find the energy to dance. I still felt contentedness and pleasure at being at the rave, but I stood in the middle of the dance floor unmoving. C later informed me that he was worried for me because I looked unhappy as I stood amidst all these happy dancing ravers with my arms crossed over my chest, he told me I didn't look like I was having a good time at all. I know that internally I was wishing that the night would never end, but at the same time I wanted to find the ability to dance. I couldn't make myself let go and get taken away by the drug, which I found frustrating.
Later in the evening, some four or so hours after ingestion I had moments of utter fear. They were fleeting, but when the smoke machines were letting out smoke I found myself totatlly blinded by white which was truly terrifying until the smoke dissipated. I also had one very fleeting hallucination (which I believe to be as a result of strobe lights and a girl walking past me) of a woman hanging herself on a porch, vivid enough to take my breath away and for me to find myself a moment later clutching my shirt and shaking a little. These moments of terrror only lasted less than a second and I was not overwhelmed by them for the rest of the evening, but I have the mild suspicion that my overall frame of mind for the evening did not start at the right level of positivity for me to properly experience the full potential of ecstasy.
My next experience I intend to plan a little better. I will have the day off of work before hand so that I won't feel too fatigued (and work usually makes me grumpy too), and I want to try taking a little 5 HTP for the week prior, to hopefully give me a little bit of a serotonin boost. I fully intend to keep an open mind. :)
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