Citation: KellyC. "In the Front of My Mind and the Back: An Experience with Cocaine & Alcohol (exp36754)". Erowid.org. Jul 28, 2007. erowid.org/exp/36754
||(powder / crystals)
I am 21. I have been clean and sober of of my love affair, cocaine, for about 3 and a half months or so. I started using when I was towards the end of being 19. It started out as an occasionally thing, like most of my drug interactions had been previously. I had tried a lot of things but never did 'one' thing habitually. When I would go out on the weekends, chances were I would do some. I really liked it because it worked so well with my personality.
I love to talk and I love quick witty energetic people. And in the beginning that is what I found. I had great times. Coke enabled me to excellerate my mind, have the energy to stay up all night and to drink a lot of drinks and not feel too drunk, because I really hated that feeling. I think that was the main reason I liked cocaine so much, becasue I really couldn't stand drinking and getting that gross, mellow drunk feeling that one gets. Coke enabled me to enjoy having cocktails. So from the occasional usage on the weekends to, my coke usage statred to evolve and I started using a few times a week.
I really enjoyed going to a friends house, getting high and spending hours talking. I didn't feel sexual on it EVER. In fact, just the opposite, I didn't want to be touched at all, it made me feel uncomfortable. When I read about coke usage and they say that coke makes you sexual, I cringe at the thought of it, but that's just me. After a year and a 1/2 of this occasionall recreational usage, things tok a turn for the worst. I moved up to Los Angeles and boy did I really put myself in one of the worst places I could be with a hobby like mine! I found myself getting bags for personal usage wherever I went, to the clubs, to concerts, to private parties, anywhere.
I wouldn't go out if I didn't have it, and in the rare cases that I did go out without it, it in fact came with me, either in my mind where it drove me nuts to sit there and pretend to have a good time without it, or I would find it wherever I was at. That's another thing about my experience with this drug, for 2 years straight this drug bacame more and more readily availabke. Everywhere I went it was there, every person I met, be it at a grocery store or a bar from two different counties did it! It was like something out of the Twilight Zone! And the more scary part was towards the end of my cocaine usage, the drug would come to me. I would be at home watching tv or realxing and a call would come from a person I knew to come out and do some.
I swear I didn't care what time of the night it was or what my responsibilites were the next day, I would drag myself out of the house, heart beating slightly faster, hands clammy and dressed to kill, ready for the night on the town. I never used while I was alone, and I could turn it down a lot of the time, but I couldn't go out and truely have a good time without it. I know it turned into a social addiction, like smoking while you drink and I think that is one of the hardest things to kick.
I also had a job and a boyfriend and my love for this drug came first and everything else second. I remember parting for 2 even three days straight, just doing line after line and bag after bag. And the crazy part was that I was 20 at the time, 100 pounds and so much more unexperienced with this drug then the people I was doing it with for the most part, and I would outlast them all. Last person standing. It started to get really scary at that point. I would find myself going with strange guys at all hour of the night to there place or wherever and getting high and fending their advances off for hours after hours, then end of the night or nights would come and if these strangers didn't get to hook up with me, which they never ever did, then they would kick me out of their house or leave me in the morning looking like shi** and drugged out on the street somewhere to get a taxi. It was awful.
I know that I lost my boyfriend because of my erratic actions and drug usage and he was my soul mate, the man I have loved with every inch of my heart and sole, the one. I also lost my job.
So I moved into a room for rent, started doing bull shi* little jobs and modeling to support myself. The money was good though and that enabled me to be the perfect partner for my drug: no boyfriend, no family (we weren't speaking at he time) only friends that accepted my new found permanent partner (coke) all the time in the world to come out an play and all the time in the world to lay around and recooperate and the means to do it. Wow, I didn't even plan to write that last part, it just came out and that is a really poetic disturbing analagy!
So 3 and a half months later, I have reastablished connection with family and lost friends. I moved out of California and am living with my mom and step dad attending college doing 16 units (credits) at the moment and only going out on occasion with good sober friends, with the exception of alcohol, but I am even limiting that becasue sometimes it is hard to drink and not think about my old 'friend'.
I feel really strong and have even thought about attending some meetings. I have kept in contact with my love and he is sooooo proud of me and can't wait for the new transformed good hearted girl he knew I always was to emerge after college and be with him. He is a truely wonderful man I love him so much it is gut wrenching to think about how this disgusting drug casued so much heart ache and loss and led to our demise. Things will only get better from here and I am so happy that I was saved, and that the person who saved me was ME.
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