The Day I Died. Or So I Thought.
Citation: Unknown. "The Day I Died. Or So I Thought.: An Experience with LSD, Cannabis & Alcohol (exp37641)". Erowid.org. Feb 9, 2007. erowid.org/exp/37641
I had done speed and smoked a lot of weed before trying LSD; in fact I'd always been scared to try LSD although I didn't understand anything about it. All the stories I had heard where about great experiences. Unfortunately for me, my first and only trip turned out to be the worst experience of my life.
It all started at my friends house, there was about 4 or 5 of us and I thought we was originally going to smoke some weed and just have a few beers but some guy my friend knew from the army pulled out some LSD. I can't remember what they where other than he said they where purple homs - double dipped, whatever that meant. I guess they dip the tab wait for it to dry then its dipped again.
I didn't want to take it, but I thought I'd look like a whimp if I didn't, I guess today I'd rather of dealt with being called a whimp than have to deal with what I went through.
I dropped it; about 30 minutes later I felt the initial sensation that I was reserved inside myself. I guess you could call it a feeling of defensiveness. My sensory perception was the first to go, along with feelings of paranoia. I was sitting in a chair facing all my other friends and I remember thinking the music was too loud, so I got up to turn the music down. My friends where looking at me a little weird. After I sat back down, I remember thinking, the music is too quiet, so I got back up and turned the music back up. Then again I thought now its too loud and got back up and turned it back down. This went on for quite a while, then I realized, oh no, is this was the trip has done to me?
I was kind of stuck in a loop repeating my actions of getting up and down. Something was in my mind telling me stuff, I thought I have to ignore whatever my mind is telling me to beat this thing, whatever it was. I thought to myself, this trip is going to be some kind of test and I have to beat it.
Of course after realizing that this was not going to be fun, I started to panic. But inwardly I thought, oh well I better try and handle it. I remember the feelings of paranoia, I could hear every little sensational noise, I noticed my friend had a copy of murder casebook on the floor, and I started to think about maybe they where after me or where conspiring against me. I could hear the neighbors kids screaming which all added to the paranoia of seeing a book on serial killers on my friends floor.
I thought I have to get this out my system so I went to the bathroom and put my fingers down my throat all to none affect. I remember my friend coming up to me and asking me if the trip had kicked in yet and I said, “yes”. I didn’t really care at the time only that I had made a big mistake and there was nothing I could do about it. The sensations started to come and go about once every 10 minutes, I knew when it was going to happen and I tried to fight it. But eventually I couldn’t control it.
I thought my only chance is to go to sleep and sleep it off, I walked down my friends hallway into the bedroom at the end and I climbed into bed. I remember lying down and thinking I have to fall asleep. Of course I couldn’t. So I got back up and started to walk back down the hallway towards the living room. When I got closer to the hallway, I kind of blinked and I ended up back outside the bedroom door. I thought what the heck, I just walked down there and how did I end up back here. I walked down the hallway again and I got to the living room and same thing, I blinked my eyes and I was back outside the bedroom door. I tried it again and again, and same thing every time I got closer to the living room I would blink and be back by the bedroom door.
I remember a very distinct thought saying to me, “This is hell, your are stuck in this hallway now for eternity”. The thought was the devil, I said to myself. I got very scared within myself. After a while this wore off, I got into the living room. I think I tried to tell my friend what just happened but they where all busy boasting about their little trips and their last thing that just happened to them. I sat down in the living room in the same chair and my friend said he was going out to take the dog for a walk. 2 other of my friends said they was going to go with him. So I said to them, “Oh I’ll go with you guys”. They responded very abruptly, “No you won’t you have to stay here”. I guess I must have been tripping more than them and they knew it. Of course within my own little trip world I started to get paranoid, why didn’t they want me to go, they are conspiring to do something, maybe even kill me. So I thought to myself I have to get out of here quick and get home.
Of course this was going to be a difficult task as I lived about 6 miles from my home. I ran down the hallway into my friend’s bedroom and ran to the window. I opened the window as wide as it would go and jumped out the window. Luckily for me my friend lived on the ground floor of a bungalow style house. I remember just thinking to myself I have to get the heck out of here. I ran across this wooded area up towards a bridge where the main bus route went down. I climbed up the small embankment to the side of the bridge and onto the main road. I started to run up the road wanting to get home to my family and away from these people.
I could feel my heart starting to beat faster and faster (I assume because I was running so fast). I started to hear voices telling me I was going to die and that this was my end. I started to hear an ambulance siren coming towards me. I remember stopping running and thinking, “Oh know I’m going to have a heart attack and die”. I remember the fear very distinctly and the fear of death and not wanting to die like this. But then the ambulance went past where I was, it was a mere coincidence that at the time I was tripping and was running that an ambulance happened to race by, or was it even there at all I wondered. I realized it was a part of the trip after all. I continued to run up the road, I must have run a good mile to the next crossroads. For some reason I stopped heading for the direction of home and I crossed the street and stood behind this barred fence with railings. As I was standing there, I remember this semi-truck coming towards me, I thought oh God he’s coming right for me, so I ran the opposite direction.
I reached a work development where there were a lot of factories and I turned down into their development, I remember walking and seeing soccer ground with floodlights on the ground, so I climbed over the fence onto the grounds. I remember walking across the field looking up into the lights, thinking it was some spectacular mystery. I put my hands in my pocket and pulled out my money and threw it all in the air, then I took my watch of and threw it also, then my house keys. I then took my sweatshirt off and threw it in the air. I was now walking round with no money, no keys to get in my house and no top on.
I remember falling into the grass. The grass was about 6 feet tall and that I was getting smaller and smaller. I could hear a stream of water starting to run around me and I then appeared to be in the water looking from a different perspective. I remember distinct thoughts saying to me that I was a molecule or some kind of cellular structure just floating around in a stream; I was some kind of stream creature.
I don’t remember much after this other than I must have blacked out. I came to about 3 to 4 hours later and thought where the heck am I. I started to have memories of seeing some old man with white hair at this mansion and I was talking to him. I wasn’t tripping no more but I was having these memories of what had happened, I thought I was either dreaming or was having flashbacks. I remember a voice telling me I was the luckiest, greediest man in the world, I have no idea who was telling me this and why. I thought to myself at first that I must of died and that maybe this man had sent me back to earth because my time was not yet, and that this memory was from the place I had just came back from. My head was so messed up, I couldn’t think right.
I started to think how the heck am I going to get back to my friends house. I started to walk back out of the development and I saw 2 security guards driving past. They drove up to me; of course I was walking with no shirt on so they knew something was wrong. Right away they asked me if I was ok and had I been taking drugs. I told them I was ok and I knew where I was. They told me that they had seen me wondering around the development a few hours ago.
They drove me to their security hut and called the police. I remember hearing the police on the speakerphone. The security guy told the police that I had been taking drugs and was wondering around the development. The police asked the security guy if I was ok now and did I know where was, I told them yes, as I didn’t want the police to come out, because if they took me home my mom would know I had taken drugs. So I told them, yes I knew where I was. The police said they wouldn’t bother coming out then. After that I told the security guy that I lost my shirt and keys etc.
I told him I threw it on the field, he just looked at me like I was crazy. I guess I was. Anyway he went and found my sweatshirt but couldn’t find my money or keys. They let me go then. So I walked up the road thinking where the heck am I. I saw a taxi cab and flagged him down. I asked him did he know the name of my friend’s road and he said yes, it was about a mile away. So I got in and he took me to my friends. By this time it was 6am in the morning. I had taken the LSD around 12 midnight. I think I actually blacked out for at least 4 hours. My friends afterwards told me they had been searching for me for about 4 hours around the streets.
I tried to tell them what had happened but I couldn’t remember much. My friend gave me a change of clothes and I went home like nothing had happened. To this day my family doesn’t know what I did that night. I never took LSD ever again in fact any other drug or weed again.
I few weeks later, I went to the same friends house and he was smoking weed, I went in and sat down. My friend asked me if I wanted a cup of tea. So I said yes. I started drinking the tea and all of a sudden I looked at the tea and a voice said to me, they have dropped LSD in your tea. I started to freak out and cuss at my friend saying, “You have spiked my tea, what the heck”. He just looked at me like I was crazy. I said to my other friend, “Lets get out of here”, and I left. I never went back to his house again after that. This was my first inclination that I had some permanent damage due to the LSD a few weeks before.
This whole account of what happened that night could not compare to what really happened. The fear, the paranoia and the schizophrenic thoughts constantly bombarding my mind with harassment and propaganda. I would tell anyone even thinking of taking LSD to reconsider. I never thought this would affect me the way it has. I was no different to my friends in personality, but why it affected me different I don’t know. My friends never did explain to me after what they experienced even to this day. All of us kind of drifted apart over the years.
This was not the end by no means. About 7 years ago, this was years after I had given up drinking and smoking weed etc. I was working out regular and was running a few times a week. I was running my daily routine of about a mile and a half of a fast run and I got to the end of my run and was approaching a hill, I remember feeling my heart beat real fast. All of a sudden, bam, I was having flashbacks of the time I was running in my trip and heard the ambulance. I was getting thoughts of I was going to die and have a heart attack.
I stopped running and walked home the rest of the way. I went home and went upstairs and cried bitterly. I thought to myself this stuff has destroyed my mind. I started to panic and started to have a bad panic attack. I could hear thoughts of what I thought was the devil telling me I was going die and that he was going to get me and that I was going to hell. I was crying and didn’t know what to do. I could feel this heaviness on my back like something was on me, a force, a bad spirit whatever you want to call it. After this I kneeled down by my bed and prayed to God to take it away.
Eventually after that experience I became a Christian and gave my life to God. I have suffered panic attacks since but on a milder scale also the thoughts constantly bombarding me sometimes don’t stop, my mind is constantly racing around, I’m constantly thinking non stop about everything. I question everything and find it hard to trust people. I still get fear and dread sometimes out of nowhere. Also not long after this I was at college and went through a bad panic attack while walking through the college hallway. I started to think I was in some kind of hell corridor and that I was trapped in this corridor amongst all this evil. I walked out really quick. Also another time when I got on a bus I was walking down the bus to go sit on the back seat and all the faces on the bus where looking at me, I started going real paranoid and started to have flash backs. I thought the bus was in hell and all the people where demons and they where at any second going to jump up and grab me like a crazy zombie movie. I freaked out and got off the bus. I walked 2 ½ miles to my friends because I couldn’t get back on the bus.
I have learnt to live with it over the years but in effect it died down a lot, I try and keep myself stress free as to not bring on any kind of flash back. LSD has affected me on a permanent level. I hope this convinces at least one person to not take LSD.
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