Looking Back Now
MDMA (Ecstasy)
Citation:   Belgianboy. "Looking Back Now: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp39816)". Erowid.org. Mar 28, 2007. erowid.org/exp/39816

  repeated oral MDMA (pill / tablet)
I am a 26 year old Belgian guy, and I have stopped taking drugs for almost 5 years. I would like to tell you about the positive and negative sides of my experience with E and speed.

When I was on my 3rd year at uni, I went to the UK as an Erasmus student and it was the first time that I was able to be totally free to do whatever I wanted to do with no parents or close friends around. I have always been quite a rebel, but that doesn't mean that I am dressing like a punk or whatever. I was what you would call a preppy boy, but inside me, I was a rebel.

As soon as I arrived in the UK (in september 1998), I made friends with the local guys and some of them became close friends. Soon, I started going out to the local pubs and nighclubs. At that time, the rave scene was very popular among students, and I am wondering if it still is. I soon realised that almost everyone in the rave scene took drugs when going out, and that everyone was smiling at me, hugging me and asking me 'how many did you take?'. At first I was put off by them, because I was not pro-drugs at all. I had hardly smoked a joint when I was younger and I did not have such a good experience with it.

However, some events made me want to try E. A friend of mine who had also never taken anything in her life asked a mate to sell her a pill and she asked me to stay close to her in case anything would happen. Soon, she felt all lovey, hugging me, kissing me and telling the whole world how she felt. That was during a rave party and she really had the best night of her life. In the meanwhile, I was amused by seeing her having so much fun, and it made me wonder, how would I feel if I also took one pill?

Two weeks later, a student at uni told me he was going to that rave in town and asked me if I wanted to join him. I will never forget that night. It was Halloween night, 31 October 1998. I asked him if he could find some MDMA for me. At first I was all excited, wanting the party to start as soon as possible. I even asked him to give me the pill before even entering the nightclub. He told me to calm down and promised me he would give me a quarter of a pill (because, according to him, the pill was pure MDMA and as a first-time user, if I took a full pill, it would knock me out). So, I agreed to take a quarter of a pill, knowing that later, I would have another quarter, and so on.

Before coming in the local pub where all my mates were gathering before going out or going to bed, my friend gave me my first dose. It took quite a while for me to feel the effects, so after 45 minutes, as I wasn't feeling anything, I asked him to give me another quarter of a pill, which he reluctantly did, cos he was frightened anything would happen to me. But I reassured him, telling him not to worry about me and to enjoy himself.

Before the rush, my stomach started tickling and I was also breathing deeper. I got back among my mates and boy! The pill started kicking hard! The rush was so powerful and so fast that everyone around me noticed that I was on a high!!! I also started to feel the warmest, deepest love for everyone around me, feeling empathy as well. I also became very talkative, talking about various things which seemed very profound to me, but it was total rubbish for others who weren't high. My mate, noticing that I was about to make a fool of myself in front of everyone, took me out and we went together to the night venue. I couldn't help myself but hug and kiss him the whole way to the venue and telling him how great I was feeling. I was still very aware of everything around me, seeing normally, and thinking rationally except for the fact that everything and everyone around me was beautiful and nice!!!

When we arrived at the night venue, I started dancing and I danced non-stop for 8 hours. My friend made sure that I was drinking plenty of water and he was regularly telling me to go and fill up my bottle. I also had that stomach pain but it was nothing compared to that feeling of love and empathy. My brain was also tickling and it felt like it was swelling, but the feeling was awesome; I only had that feeling in the brain the first time; the next times, it just wasn't there and I missed it. I was high for about 18 hours!!!! Unable to sleep, I went to visit a friend the next afternoon. He noticed I was still high and fucked up but later we both laughed at it.

Also, one strange thing about me that I have never been able to find in any testimonial, is that I was unable to smoke while I was on a high with E. At that time, I was quite a heavy smoker, smoking almost 1 pack every day. But when I was high, I couldn't bear the taste of the cigarette and it deterred me from smoking in the night venues. Once I was back to normal, I could light up a cigarette. I don't smoke now.

So I started becoming a recreative user, waiting for the next weekend to go out again and have that pill which made me feel so good. I think that between November 1998 and January 1999, I took at least one pill per week, sometimes mixing it with acid/base (common names of speed there) which was readily available in the rave scene at that time. My last pills were in March 1999, then in March 2000.

However, I was NEVER able to experience again the feelings I had the very first time with E. The feelings were still very strong, but not as strong as the first time and I somewhat missed it. I also needed greater dosages. In January 1999, I was taking about 1 to 2 pills per night out. I do not have an addictive personality, so I never felt I HAD to take a pill. One weekend, I went out without taking any pill or speed, because I felt my body and brain needed a break.

However, the downfall was on Tuesdays. After the third week, I started feeling the downsides of ecstasy. Depression on Tuesdays, angriness, irritability (always on Tuesdays; I never knew why I was feeling ok on Mondays), so I skipped classes on Tuesdays and stayed at home because any contact with anyone would make me very irritable. Teachers started noticing my absences on Tuesdays and gave me a warning which didn't put me off at all. On Wednesday morning, I was back to my normal self and I was again the lovely guy everyone liked.

I never had any bad feelings with E itself during my nights out. However, I need to tell you about a VERY bad experience while being high. In January 1999, 3 days before I flew back home, there were two raves in town, and my friends had told me to meet in one of them. They had forgotten to tell me which venue it was in, so I drove around town with a taxi for about 1.5 hours before finding the right place. I had already taken a pill and I was starting to feel the effects when I found the place. I paid the cab driver and came into the nightclub. I immediately found my friends and went for a pee, then I had a friendly talk with a guy in the toilet before going back to my friends.

When I told my friends it was my shout, I noticed that my wallet had gone. It obviously had been stolen in the nightclub itself since I had to pay for the entrance. So, I almost had a wave of a panick attack, but my friends reasoned me and told me to go to the nearby police station, which was actually next to the nighclub. I was still VERY high (the pill was especially powerful that night and I suspect it was also mixed with speed because the empathy feelings were not as strong as usual) when I went to the police station. I couldn't stop dancing even though there was no music at the station.

The police officers surely noticed that I was fucked up but obviously they had better things to do than arrest a nice guy who couldn't help but dance in front of them! I think that being Belgian played in my advantage because they took great care of me and tried to calm me down. I was extremely nervous but still being very nice, trying not to swear or anything. They took notice of my statement and they let me leave.

I went back to the nightclub and worried about my ID and bank cards, I told my friends I needed to contact my embassy in London. So, they gave me about 1 gramme of speed to keep me awake and to avoid panick attacks (so they said). They told me to take about 1 rail every now and then. However, soon, the panick attack kicked in and I had no other alternative than to take the speed they had given me. I could not bear being alone, so I asked them to stay close to me until I had called everyone in Belgium; my bank, my parents, my embassy in London, my travelsagent, etc. to let them know about my stolen wallet.

Well, 1 gramme of speed made me high for about 2 days. I was still high when I saw my parents again and in the plane I was feeling very stressed because you feel much higher when being at a high altitude (or was it just the pressurisation? I don't know). Fortunately, the flight was quite short, about 1.5 hours, so I was relieved when I was able to go out of the plane.

Well, that was almost my last experience with E and speed...

HOWEVER... 2 months later....

In March 1999, I took a pill again at a venue in the UK (I was back only for a big party organised by the uni), I almost regretted taking it. It didn't make me feel warm, lovey anymore, but very tired, almost sad. I think it wasn't MDMA but something else. I promised myself that I would never take a pill again.

1 week later, at a house party in Belgium, I started feeling depressed and I told my friends I was heading home. In my car, a few kilometres down the road, I had a sudden panick attack, with that horrible feeling of near-death. I had to stop my car for half an hour, to recover.

That was not the last panick attack.

In May 1999; during my exams, I had another panick attack while studying. My mother had to drive me to the psychiatric urgencies because I was feeling SOOO bad. I was prescribed anti-depressors and anxiolytics. I had to take these pills for 1.5 years to control my panick attacks.

I suspect these panick attacks were due to the downside effects of speed or E. I will never know for sure, but in March 2000, I tried another E pill again in Amsterdam, and it made me feel sick and depressed, so I told myself it was the VERY LAST one.

So, now, I can tell you, I haven't taken anything for almost 5 years. I am scared to have panick attacks again, because these are the worst thing you can feel!!! Even the thought of smoking a joint scares me. I also totally avoid nightclubs; I haven't been out to a place that might remind me of a rave venue since 2001. Last time I was in such a place, I went out straight away because I was feeling scared shitless.

I am now leading a brillant career in the academic field and I do not regret having experimented E and speed, even though that experiment has deterred me from going out to dark places, I cannot stand anyplace that might remind me of my panick attacks.

I just thought that my testimonial would be useful for some of you. E can be very powerful and it can bring some great feelings in you but it has also its downsides. So think carefully about it before taking it for the first time. I try to give my thoughts and feelings to the youngsters who are willing to try it. I am not ashamed about my previous drug-use and everyone around me knows about it.

Take care buds!!! And better be safe than sorry!

Exp Year: 1998ExpID: 39816
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Mar 28, 2007Views: 9,987
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MDMA (3) : Rave / Dance Event (18), Loss of Magic (34), Hangover / Days After (46), Depression (15), Health Problems (27), Retrospective / Summary (11)

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