DOSE:

repeated

Methamphetamine

BODY WEIGHT:

130 lb

Due to my outlook on drugs, I always try to believe that I am not addicted to drugs, and that they are my prerogative instead of a routine. But lately a certain drug a lot of people know and use has made me wonder if I am addicted, or if I still have time to go back if I want. Back to the days of feeling happy or slightly bothered by the fact that I am not intoxicated by a substance. Where it was ok to tell myself it didn't really matter because it didn't. Now I am not too sure.

This drug is overwhelming in all aspects. The high, the social aspects, physical aftermath on my body, Mind and emotional rollercoaster rides- wins, losses, lies, truth? Real, Fake? Well this is a very real probability of all the ideals and delusions the abusers of this drug fake out of their conscience and out of the truth. Lies to myself become apparent to others before myself, people know what's wrong with me more than me- and it's my body. That is where I lose, and wins become distant.

The experiences felt were once so simple, now it's not just an experience, it's my life. It consumes me eventually or from the start? I feel like I am not myself w/o it, so it's ok to indulge. The lies I tell to myself are worse than any lie spoken from another- be it my closest being or worst enemy. None of them are what I and every part of my brain want most. So the things that I think still matter... don't. But admitting to that would present a problem: that I have one. I define addiction as- having a reason true to myself why I shouldn't do something, but I ignore it because it is now less important than what I can plainly see is the source of it's own problematic equation, if I could choose to do so. Why not? What is it that holds me on the shore when my anchor is bound around my feet...and have I already been swept in the current?

My life scans through my mind everyday- but it is the illusion that it's okay with the key element to hold it all in place that keeps me grounded in that surreal imagery of my life. Remembering why I got along before becomes impossible to do- why would I want it to make sense? Maybe I think even if it comes to that I'll be able to get back on track- but when does it come, where does it go, when will I know there are two tracks- one has derailed by then and the other is in need of extensive repair. I am suddenly ground to a halt. Leaving the Conductor to steer for the right direction- but only when the damages are totaled and the repairs are final. This SPEEDing Locomotive is always at the same pace, it gets to the point before I do- it beats me there everyt ime. Going uphill the train slows down- and the conductor holds the pace- up or down. Going downhill the pace quickens and I don't have to do any work. Staying level keeps me chugging along with an equal partnership between the fuel and the control.

What most don't realize is that all these positions can't be distributed equally- they are controlled by one thing altogether- my life (decisions, rationalization, self-worth, being true to myself, moderation, truthfulness foremost tomyself, responsibility and a growing love and respect for myself and others. Also- there's the latter- throwing decisions that should be self- made into the grips of an object too powerful to be left to its own devices. Keeping my objects in check and separate from my points of view and overall opinion of things such as life, relationships, family, and career. As well as hopes, dreams, aspirations and goals. Judging from the control of the latter and the comfort not made, when it is just given it is taken advantage of.

I have crossed the line and my chin hit the bar. The line that separated an upward climb versus a downward spiral has been breached... and I am being pulled further and further downhill. The driving force is not my life any more- it's the relentless cycle of defeat I chose when I lost control of my life and put it into the hands of narcotics- namely the main subject of my life- Meth.

Exp Year: 2004	ExpID: 40778
Gender: Not Specified
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jun 26, 2007	Views: 1,282
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Methamphetamine (37) : Addiction & Habituation (10), Unknown Context (20)