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Losing My Mind
by anticodrone
Citation:   anticodrone. "Losing My Mind: An Experience with 5-MeO-DMT (exp42627)". Erowid.org. May 16, 2005. erowid.org/exp/42627

10 mg smoked 5-MeO-DMT (powder / crystals)


This review is not intended to thwart people from the use of 5-meo-dmt. Do not look at it to show yourself how bad it can be, for it can also be quite good. This is for people's curiosity of the other side, it is for the sake of my own emotional release, and it is for the sake of others whom can relate a similar experience and perhaps find comfort in the review.

Allow me to begin by saying that I have on one previous occasion used 5-meo-dmt. To summarize - the experience was quite overwhelming, anxiety free, extreme sensory enhancement (not confined to one sense... More of a general illumination of consiousness), brief and mild paranoia that my spotter and supplier (also my brother) was in some way taking advantage of me by provoking the use of the drug, minor close-eyed visuals, and an exited release and mental grasp of previous emotional issues as the theme of my comedown.

About 7 months later I embarked on my second experience. I set up the night with a friend of my other brother's whom I'd known since I was young, and gotten to know through occasional mutual meetings over the past couple of years. He seemed safe, well educated and experienced as far as psychoactives go, and a good choice of people to do it with. Though he had researched it, he had not yet used 5-meo. We spent a couple of hours gabbing untill it became late and we began weighing out the 5-meo from a batch he had gotten awhile ago that was supposed to be somewhat potent. His scale was sensitive to a minor amount of 2 mgs, and kept screwing up and reading things wierd. After much toying, he eventual had created a 16 mg dose which we would split in half and use seperately. When split I noticed the dose seemed to be larger than I remembered my first one had been, but decided I probably just had a vague memory. I decided to go first sense I had done it before, so we loaded up the bulb and I sat down on a nice fluffy pillow-couch-chair. He held up the flame and I inhaled smoke that seemed to immediately constrict my lungs more than I had remembered, and I inhaled for a period of time that felt much longer than I had remembered.

Immediately my lungs were constricted to a point where I couldn't breathe well, and it felt as if my eyes were open extra wide before I laid back in the chair (as I was doing this my partner said 'more?', as he later explained I seemed fully resposive at the time.) The immediate onset of the drug and disconnection from consciousness provided the same release of anxiety I had remembered from before, but a stronger intensity. What happened in the next few seconds I do not know, but as the night settled I remembered a scattered sequence of my experience. The first thing I felt was my soul and my consciousness being torn from my body, during which I must have rolled off the chair or over in the chair. I remember feeling as though my state of being and connection to reality was being jarred from me, being sucked out of me and I had given up my life was being turned into some strange submissive mush, and was in a rollercoaster-like transitioning period into an entirely different, and horrible dimension. The intro to the song on the computer began - '31 one seconds and counting...' I remember briefly thinking of a mention online saying people have experienced psychological problems over the next few weeks after using (actual) dmt, and I thought of how I had destroyed my mind and I thought of the connections I was forming at my new workplace and how that was all fucked.

My friend said later that it was about thirty seconds into the trip that I muttered 'it feels like its been a year'. Which it had. After the spiritual destruction and transition, I came down to the next level. Reality turned over and over me to where I couldnt handle it. I felt like an animal tightly gripping its claws into the edge of the earth as an earthquake tears everything to oblivion. I remember sitting up on the floor and seeing my hands, and my later explanation of this visual was: 'like reality was a painting behind my hands that was shattering'. I became aware of the extremeness of my visuals 'this is what they were talking about!' (I have tripped acid and mushrooms but never had more that slight visuals) as I crawled on the floor my hands had become veiny and the blue was largely emphasized and I could see the carpet and my hands fluctuating in and out quite visibly. During these wanderings I managed to mention a few things to my partner, such as 'I cant handle this', and looked at him on the couch toying with something. He seemed apathetic. 'It feels like its been 2 hours'. The song after the one that had been playing when I started was halfway through. 'Am I ever going to come out of this?' I didnt think I would. 'Yes,' he said. My focus shifted from the unwanted extremeness of the visuals to my tripping partner.

I had become aware that during my experience, my perception of him had shifted from a safe, calm, drug-educated mutual friend to someone I hardly knew, who had seen the other side 400 times and had some intimidating comfort in watching me writhe in fear on the ground that said 'welcome to the other side' either in love, or in lust. I now blew full force into an undermined trust trip that's common for me on pot or on psychedelics (see the 1st experience at the top). I felt as though I was now at the whim of this person, who was enjoyingly taking me in circles. 'Can you help me out of this?' 'hmmmm, let me think what I have...' (no, not more drugs!) 'I'm... I feel.. I'm lost' I dropped out of my mouth in broken sentences. Have you ever seen bangbus? If not, this man basically undermines womens egos, causing them to be more and more submissive, while he begins commanding them to do his sex bidding. I clawed the wood floor and felt without question that I was being controlled like one of these women, just without the sex and it wasn't neccessarily based on undermining the ego, rather confusion and guided manipulation. 'What's the mental experience like? How are the visuals? Anything auditory?'

I tried to explain how my consciousness as a whole was distorted, which also caused my senses to be distorted, but I think I was largely unsuccsessful. I said something about my fear. 'That's why I don't trip to much, I get caught on the same trip.' he said. 'Right now my fear is.. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. I might be a postman, but -' 'w..w-wait' I said. That's definately something I didn't want to hear about, considering it's something I'm facing as well (though I'm much younger.) However, it piqued my paranoia that he was fucking with me. 'Why would you start telling someone that's having a bad trip your fears about life?' I thought. 'Um.. Could I... Ask you.. To ... Don't talk about fear right now..' 'oh.' he said. 'Try and listen to the lyrics' he said. I tried to focus on them but I couldn't. The chorus came on and I could slightly make out the words 'out of control:'and 'losing my mind.' 'look at the tv.' he said. It had the windows media player visual full-screened on it. I couldn't draw any comfort from it. 'It's too pretentious' I said. 'I'm completely disconnected from that right now.' the channel then changed and 'that 70's show' was on. 'What is he doing!?' I thought.

Turned out I had sat on the remote. He quickly grabbed it and turned off the tv. Pheww. That was a bit relaxing. It had now been approximately 7 minutes. I slowly began to regain control. My trust, as well, began to reinstill. After a couple more minutes, I managed to begin talking about my experience. As my trust came back I felt more comfortable mentioning how disconnected and unsafe I had felt. I was beginning to have positive thoughts, but they didn't stay gelled and were hard to express. I was kind of in and out of it. As I came more and more out the interaction balance leveled and it again seemed clear that he had no harmful intentions, I then begin processing my latest emotional issues and went off on one of those tangets where you feel like a brilliant poet or a philosopher talking, and wish you had recorded what you said. It was very clearing and good feeling. It was surprising after that intense hell how quickly I shifted to a positive, productive state, and wound up energized and happy the rest of the night. The more settled part of the comedown was definately nice.

So basically what I learned from this experience was less is more with 5-meo-dmt. Do it in moderation. Its good that I had previously had a good experience, because I trust the drug can be good. I do plan to go back after some time for clearing, and use a more modest amount. Just make sure that when inexperienced, you start small and dont jump the gun. Take larger amounts only when you know what you are doing and you are confident.

Exp Year: 2005ExpID: 42627
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: May 16, 2005Views: 26,541
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5-MeO-DMT (58) : Bad Trips (6), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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