Citation: Ashiro. "Attempted Suicide: An Experience with Risperidone & Alcohol (exp42901)". Erowid.org. Sep 28, 2006. erowid.org/exp/42901
The Risperidone wasn't taken as an attempt to get high or trip. It was primarily taken as a suicide attempt and the medication was part of my prescription for suspected bi-polar disorder and paranoia. Fortunately/unfortunately it failed and the experience was horrific.
After the vodka had been drunk over about 2hrs previously and sat outside under a tree I decided to swallow all of the pills I'd brought with me [20~30g]. At that time - although having drunk - I had a reasonable level of coordination and my memory of up to that point is fine.
T:00:25 Wednesday (Approx) [Beginning]
Things begin to go wrong. At first I'd decided to lie down and let the drugs take hold with the firm idea that I'd simply slip out of conciousness and die. However, my heart began beating so hard and palapatating it actually knocked some sense into me. My head was pounding and the feeling!! The feeling is difficult to describe. It was like depression but different in some way. It wasn't a sadness but a complete removal of thought and emotion. Like the soul had been torn out. I began losing conscious control - and for some reason had got up and was walking towards home...
[Memory goes blank for the entire journey home which is about 1-2miles on foot]
T:01:30 Wednesday (Guess) [Felt like Death]
My whole body is struggling to stay conscious. I keep falling over and collapsing at the knees. It feels like I'm literally fighting an anasthetic or sedative not an antipsychotic - if seen from the outside I probably would have looked like I was drunk but in pain and 'compressed' from the outside. It felt as if my body was being crushed and weighed down. Again there's the dark soul-less feeling all over. My body ached and I went to the toilet as if I wanted to vomit but didnt. It was almost like an instinctive reaction to feel better in some way and maybe vomiting was the way. When I went back to my room I passed out and collapsed to the floor banging my head badly on the drawers next to my bed. There was a bad cut and blood but I was later to find no fracture. I crawl onto my bed and pass out.
T:08:30 Wednesday (Approx) [Hell]
I wake feeling more horrendous than I have ever felt in all my life. I can't put do justice to how bad it felt. What was an empty feeling before now became an intense and very real depression, dark, evil compressed. The room seemed bright yet dark, my body ached. There was a lot of confusion. Voices phased in and out as I heard my house mate in the next room packing to go home. I was trying to get up to go for help but couldn't move. My heart rate and blood pressure were so high it seemed to paralyse me. The hammering in my throat, lungs heart and head was unbearable. My throat was so dry it felt as if I was going to suffocate but I couldn't move to get the water from my side.
[A further 16 hours of this experience with little change in the symptoms - wishing to pass out but unable due to the intensity of the 'feelings']
T:00:00 Thursday [Paramedic called]
I was finally able to get out of bed but movement was immensely difficult, however the mind had returned to a state of deadness. I went to the toilet and finally decided to call my mum and tell her what happened. She called the emergency services. I didn't want the remaining housemates to know I'd attempted this so I crawled downstairs and lay outside on the front path. I was taken to the hospital immediately because my heart rate and BP were dangerously high.
T:00:45 Thursday [Hospital]
In the hospital a strange symptom began to occur - especially considering this was 24hrs after the dose. An all over body spasm that completely locked me up into a horribly contorted shape on the hospital trolley. The doctor seemed to take an age before treating it as I was obviously in intense pain and was crying heavily - without tears as I was still dry. My back feels as if its about to snap and my arms are screwed up and I was completely unable to move. I probably looked like someone with a serious brain disorder. Eventually I am administered a sedative which doesn't work. They then give me another 2 shots and after about 10 mins I begin to relax.
It put me through hell and back. I would never EVER wish this even on my worst enemy. The experience has left a significant emotional scar and also a physical shock feeling in the nerves through my back and shoulders. The soul-less, dark feeling was horrendous. It was the closest thing to REAL death I have ever experienced - a lack of life.
I feel bad just typing this.
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