Citation: Kitty. "Double Life: An Experience with Cocaine (exp43405)". Erowid.org. Apr 11, 2021. erowid.org/exp/43405
I just want to say that I wish I never tried the drug. I am so addicted and I ant do anything about it. I guess I am a great actress because I can hide it from everyone. I do it in front of my husband. In front of my sisters and brothers, and at work. I hate the feeling of it now. I get paranoid BIG TIME- the only thing that helps by 'tweekness' is by drinking a mickey of Vodka. So not only am I cocaine addict I am an alcoholic. I live a lie.
I have been addicted to cocaine since I was 24, I am now 28. I was caught once because i opened my big mouth to someone about my coke use- I went to therapy, but he said that I was so far gone that I need in house treatment. The thing is my husband does not even know. I tell him I have really bad allergies, and avoid him when I am high. I used to like it, now I am chasing the dragon. I look out my windows. I think cops are after me, I hear footsteps and think that my drug dealer is going to come over and rat me out. Trust me I want help, but if my husband knew how far gone I was he would divorce me. I convince myself that I will give it up 3 months before I decide to get pregnant. I figure that once I am I will not do it, I know I wouldn't- I am not that fuckin dumb.
My nose is crusty all the time, I hate cocaine. I used to think that I could do it myself, I can't. I wish I had the nerve to tell my husband, but I dont. Sometimes I will spend up to 6 hours looking out the window thinking that people are after me. I cant believe I pay for paranoia, deviated septum, lies. I deny how bad it is. I try to do flight into health, thinking the more I eat healthy and the more I excersize I won't want to do it, but I end up just working out, and craving it afterwards. I am a mess. I am coming down right now, after driving around for 4 hours looking my rearview thinking that cops are after me. How fucked up is that. I know that this does not fow well, but I am not able to talk to anyone. That's it for now. I am scaring myself.
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