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Story of a Woman Caught In the Cycle
Citation:   Caught. "Story of a Woman Caught In the Cycle: An Experience with Methamphetamine (exp4438)". Erowid.org. Dec 18, 2001. erowid.org/exp/4438

I've been fighting stopping this for the last three months. I'm a 21 year old female. For me, the hardest time is after I come down. This is a story of my general experiences. I hope it will deter those of you considering it for the first time.

First is the anticipation, of either buying or trying to manufacture meth. I tend to get very restless and edgy, snapping at everyone and somewhat paranoid. Then once I have actually gotten it I, either smoke through a pipe, on tinfoil or snort up my nose. Depending on the quality, one line and some smoking for lesser grades, to one quick smoke for the good stuff.

Now I wait about 5 minutes to an hour. My first impulse is always to go to the bathroom. Seems to immediately empty my bowels and bladder. Once I'm done with almost explosive BMs (about 10-20 mins in bathroom) I am quite thirsty and starting to feel a mind numbing buzz and a desire to do something. I start talking non-stop about all sorts of things and feel like some sort of door to all the information everyone else has overlooked has been blown open in my brain and I have to share with everyone. I can help anyone with anything at this point, whether they want to listen or not.

I am a cigarette smoker, and have noticed that I suck them down one after another, just so I'm not grinding my jaw and so I have something to do. I think it depends on how the drug was made, but the following activities always follow for me.

1. List making: I love details and seem to be able to focus on such small things and keep going for a long time. I just keep recording and writing everything, whether on my computer or on paper.

2. Cleaning: I usually avoid this activity but when I have the energy, such as after a blast, I will go for hours. I scrub floors, vacuum, do laundry, dust, and organize all my nicknacks. I often will focus on just one little part and the rest of the house is still messy after I have spent 3 hours on just the stove or kitchen counters.

3. Sex: There isn't too much to say about this, except my sexual desire is greatly enhanced, as well as sensitivity. I will do many things and try and talk about things I wouldn't normally do. I reach incredible orgasms after an hour or so, and can orally please my fiance for long amounts of time. I've noticed the effect on him is: he has a hard time getting hard, but once there, well we've gone for 10 hours once. It is hard for him to ejaculate, though.

After the main buzz starts and I begin one of the above three activities, if it was really good, I begin to sweat (a lot!!). I've noticed when I don't expend much energy I don't get a mind blowing buzz going, but the effect seems to last longer. When I do get into a physical activity I will super extend myself and then come down several hours faster than I usually do.

For me it's normal to be up for around 10 hours or more. Of course the last 3 hours of this is generally not so great. I begin to have cold feet, extreme thirst, shakiness and beginning paranoia. I believe due to my weight I come down faster than my fiance who also does this with me. My jaw begins hurting from all the clenching, my muscles begin to ache from exertions and my eyes feel dry and hurt from staring bug-eyed at things. I generally get very emotional and usually depressed around this time. I cry, sometimes feel suicidal and have a very bad habit of picking at myself.

I will swear, although it's not been documented, that the impurities that are in the meth begin coming out of porous regions of my skin. My eyelids have little hard crusty things that come out of my tear ducts and cling to my eyelashes. My eyelashes seem to fall out, though I'm not sure if it's natural or from me picking at them. My forehead, cheeks, nose, below the earlobes and any open cuts I have seem to spew out the same kind of chunky whitish-tan lumps that my eyes do. I've noticed, if given time, they fall out on their own and soaking in water helps, but by this time I'm really paranoid and obsessive. I tend to pick at my face until I have pimple sized scars and at my fingernails and tips of fingers where I have sometimes sworn there are lines of glass in my skin. I have cut my fingernails way behind the quick and turned tiny scars into large bleeding wounds.

Another bad after effect is the heart palpations, sweating, hot/cold flashes and extreme depression and paranoia. I don't want to go outside or talk to anyone on the phone, and become sure that the police or my neighbors know what I've been doing and I'm going to be in big trouble.
After around 10 hours and it's worn off, if I don't have anymore, then I want to sleep. I can lay in bed, but not sleep. Sort-of end up in a trance like state, where my mind is closed, sometimes weird dreams I'm not really aware of, but I don't actually fall asleep. I like to take benadryl or motrin migraine medicine at this point to fall asleep. Once I finally do sleep it's in periods of 1-3 hours then up feeling crappy again.

I generally try to eat something at this point, which either runs straight through me to the bathroom or I end up constipated. Either way, I generally have indigestion and am belching, what smells like meth scented air. Still picking at myself and attempting to sleep I end up spending about 12-24 hours in this state. Everything hurts and my eyes are bleeding from all the picking and little stony things coming out. All I want is to sleep and feel good again. I tell myself that I never want to touch the stuff again and that this isn't worth it.

Now mixed in with the barely sleeping and feeling crappy is the apathy. Nothing sounds interesting. It isn't worth it to move, sleep, eat or anything. I'm convinced I've wrecked my life and that I'll never feel better, but really can't make myself to move to do much of anything. Now is when I have a hard time turning down, getting some more. Even though I hate it, I want to feel better.

When I ride the whole thing out, it has taken 1 week to 2 months to get back to feeling like my normal self. The weird dream and night sweats are generally my indication that I'm finally getting better. Overall, I say if you have never done it, don't. If you do it already, may whatever power you believe in help you.

Exp Year: 2000ExpID: 4438
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Dec 18, 2001Views: 40,971
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Methamphetamine (37) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Addiction & Habituation (10), Various (28)

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