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Happy Apathy
Methadone
by Seymour
Citation:   Seymour. "Happy Apathy: An Experience with Methadone (exp44545)". Erowid.org. Oct 17, 2007. erowid.org/exp/44545

 
DOSE:
  repeated oral Methadone

BODY WEIGHT: 160 lb


This is meant as a documentation of how my life was directly affected by methadone/methadose. I am still not sure whether or not my decisions were the right ones but I do know that my life has been changed for the better due to the effects of methadone and due to how it changed my perception of my surroundings even when I am not under the influence of it. I don't really care if people know who I am but I will be protecting the privacy of my friends by referring to them using a letter of the alphabet.

Welcome to Happy Apathy,

My name is Jonathan Seymour and I am currently 20 years of age. Before 2004 my friends and I would occasionally come across a 10mg pill of methadone that we would save for the weekend to use along with marijuana due to the marijuana increasing the effects of methadone. As time passed it faded from our grasp and we continued to use marijuana as we had been doing for years.

.The Start.
Early on in 2004 a man came into our lives whom I will refer to as [N]. [N] was prescribed 40mg methadose wafers due to an accident he suffered and would sell them to us for $25-$35. Now that I was able to obtain as much methadone as my wallet would allow I made sure that I never ran out. The following paragraph will contain events that happened to me during a three month period where I would do 10-30mg a day; I only missed about seven days total throughout the three month period.

.Three Months of a Newfound Lifestyle.
To begin with I used methadone to have fun, but I soon discovered that I could keep myself happy by staying under its control. I should state here that during these three months I was taking 20mg of Prozac daily to combat major depression. It also helped out with an ex-girlfriend I will call [A]. She was the greatest girlfriend I have ever had. Whenever we would talk or I would see her it would depress me since I realized we would never be together again so I would eat a methadone. A lot of methadone entered my body due to this certain young blossom. I also learned that I no longer required friends when I was using methadone. Methadone was also the sole contributor to my discontinued use of marijuana.

For the most part I would normally injest 10-20mg in the morning and if I worked that day I would work then come home and play video games. If I didn't work or if I worked in the morning I would go to the mall and walk around and talk to people due to methadone making me very talkative and social. I would either stay there for hours on end or go drive around and find other places to walk around and enjoy including the college I previously attended. Even though I dropped out I still had (and still have) a parking decal and school ID. It was a fun three months until the last month.

A friend of mine, [J], and I would hang out with this girl named [K]. I was always on methadone and [J] sometimes was but [K] was drug and alcohol free. It had come to my attention that [K] liked me and although she was hot and fun to hang out with she wasn't my type. One night I was with [K] and we were at her friend's house with four other girls and one other guy. This particular evening I was on 20mg. We all started watching a the movie 'Friday' and [K] and I were laying side-by-side and she put her arm across my chest so I figured I would give us a shot. For the next month we went out and I continued to do my daily methadone. Whenever I would feel as though going out with her was a bad idea the methadone would kick in and those thoughts would fade.

Then it finally happened. My methadose connection was severed and withdrawl kicked in. I realized my fascination with her was solely a methadone infatuation because I could no longer stand her company or anything she did so I dumped her. To this day she doesn't know that the only reason I fell for her was due to methadone, and if I can help it she will never find out. The next week I had extreme cravings for methadone, profuse sweating, hot and cold flashes, difficulty sleeping, suicidal thoughts, and a very volatile temper. It finally ended and life returned to normal. I had acquired new social skills from what I learned on methadone where I had originally been so anti-social and scared I would never speak to anyone or respond to anyone.

Here is a list of problems these three months caused:
1) I lost a good friend, [K] (I don't mind this one too much though)
2) I gave people the wrong impression of who I was
3) My wallet suffered greatly
4) Withdrawing, which was aweful
5) This is the only reason I care about and the only reason I regret ever touching methadone, I have no doubt that I ruined any chance of ever reuniting with my ex-girlfriend, [A]

.Strange Transition.
Until about a month ago I would obtain methadone occasionally but never did it more than about 5-10 times a month. I started smoking marijuana again during this phase since I wasn't intoxicated as much anymore. There was really only one problem I caused during this particular methadone phase, and here it is.

One would think that I would have learned from [K] that falling for a girl while under the influence of methadone is a bad idea, and will only lead to problems. Well, I didn't learn, and this situation turned out far worse. One night when I was on 10mg [J] and I were at Starbucks Coffee with about five other people when I met [A]'s best friend [W], there with some nerdy looking kid. Turns out it was a blind date that she didn't want a part of anymore so [J], [W], and myself retired to my house to watch 'Interview with a Vampire'. Before I continue allow me to explain my feelings toward [W]. When [A] and I were dating [W] was a cool friend. When [A] and I broke up I started seeing [W] in places when I would go out. Each time I would see her we would talk and I started slowly developing feelings for her but I knew it would never work because I would loathe it if [A] ever dated my best friend so I wasn't going to do that to [A].

Now, back to the [W] situation. After the movie ending I walked her out to her car at about 4am and stopped her short to tell her something. I hugged her then held her sides and told her that I had had a crush on her since [A] dumped me. Which wasn't entirely true since I had been developing these feelings over a long period of time. After telling her this she said merely, 'Awwww...'. I then kissed her forehead and put my forehead to hers and heard her smile. I then went for the kiss and we made-out for a while then we said our goodbyes and she left. Two nights later we hung out and we had a mutual agreement to not see each other for a few reasons that I won't go into. [A] eventually found out not too long after this and, needless to say, was severely angered and probably deeply hurt. To make a long story short [W] lied to her about it and I told the truth so now a beautiful friendship was ruined thanks to me. [A] still claims it wasn't my fault but I never could read [A] and I still can't so I don't know really what she thinks. All I know is that it IS my fault and to this day I regret that night and all the problems it spawned. It hurts to think about what I have done.

.The New Days of 'Done.
For the last month I have been doing my daily dose of methadone but have taken my mistakes into account and have continued to lead a normal life free of ignorant mistakes and elementary decisions. I also stopped doing methadone for four days after three weeks of 20mg daily doses and had no withdrawel symptoms, so I continue to use it. I was told that since I had already went through withdrawl once that chances are I'm able to prevent it from happening again.

I've also changed myself a lot. When I'm not at work I'm hanging out with my best friend [N] and the hordes of new friends I have made. I've never had such a wonderful life as I do now. Methadone or not the friends I have made and the people I spend my time with now are priceless. My time is no longer a worthless commodity but a treasured expansion of myself. I wouldn't trade it for the world. Considering how wonderful things have become methadone only adds to the fun, but doesn't change a thing.

The only thing I would like to include in my life to make it complete for the time being is something I can never again have but I'm trying to fill the void, which I would never have thought to be as difficult as it is. I also didn't know what I had until it was gone. This is also the only way I would quit doing methadone because it would be the only way I would feel the same satisfaction.

.The End.

Exp Year: 2004ExpID: 44545
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Oct 17, 2007Views: 26,056
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Methadone (166) : Depression (15), Hangover / Days After (46), Relationships (44), Retrospective / Summary (11), Not Applicable (38)

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